I hate myself. I love myself. Either way, I’m self-obsessed. A strange kind of narcissism. I find myself unable to simply be around others. I cannot help observing myself in their responses, and am appalled by what I see. How pathetic and worthless must I seem, for them to slight me in such a way?
The truth is that there is rarely any judgement involved. I am simply another background character in their play, as they are in mine – a dark blur moving briefly through their awareness. I know this – rationally I know this. Yet I can’t switch it off – this hyper-awareness of how I am being perceived. It’s instinctive at this point – always on the lookout for some sign of danger – some indication that a weakness has been displayed which I must find a way to hide. I am terrified of other people, and what clues I might give to them about what lies beneath.
1 comment
I have the exact same thoughts around people. Especially people I don’t know well but see often, like colleagues or classmates.
I cringe whenever I think back at an interaction I’ve had. These days I just avoid most people, at work going into a corner where I can work peacefully. There are just too many doubts inside my head when I’m physically around people.
I wrote a friend a while back and they never replied, and that made me physically sick. I don’t blame them, I hate that I wrote them. I hate that I’m a person who writes others and puts that burden on others and then feel bad when they don’t reply. I had that I’m clingy and cringeworthy. It’s a non-ending cycle. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.