Hi, my name is Jamie and I am plagued with suicidal ideation. My first hit was when one of my parents died when I was 6. I was molested as a child before I was 8 which caused me to wet the bed during my entire childhood and even early adulthood.
When I was 14, the dark cloud had progressed due to physical and emotional abuse from my one remaining parent. I almost called Child Protective Services but something told me they do not have kid’s best interest at heart. It was a serious threat, so my parent called a relative to talk to me and it helped me to not murder myself.
I had developed addictions to cannabis and alcohol in order to cope with the horrifying feelings I did not know how to handle. They had provided a temporary relief for years, numbing the pain did not address the root cause. I am now 40 and finally joined Alcoholics Anonymous and Marijuana Anonymous. I am grateful to be alive although I still battle with bad thoughts. It is good to be on the path to recovery and have a wide network of supportive fellowships to rely on.
Thank you for reading my life story.
2 comments
On my first day at school I was bullied, hit, and threatened. I learned that going to school was about getting hit. One day my Dad drove me to school and I would not get out of the truck. Before this, I was burned really bad from a hot iron. My middle finger was burned to the bone. They wrapped me up and tied my arm up. I fell and hit the left side of my head and was knocked out cold. My mom thought I was dead. I was a volunteer firefighter and worked for a private ambulance company and responded to thousands of calls. At 19 the small town I grew up in had the highest fire death rate in the state of Ca. 7 babies and 3 adults. As you can imagine the things I have seen were horrific.
I look back at my life and wish I had done this or that and not being bullied. This is what getting older means for trauma victims. All of the work I have done I became disabled due to medical fraud. I have fought suicide many times and it was difficult to overcome it. It was a clarity of thought and no pain for a few moments. These thoughts gave me peace of mind. For the last 30 years, I have been researching ways to prevent these thoughts from happing. Prevent means before it happens. I have not found anyone that could teach ways of preventing trauma from happing. It’s all about the money and for me it is criminal. Our Constitution gave everyone rights to freedom. Freedom means free from doom and is a guarantee to all human beings.
Steve
Wow, you’re such a warrior! Thanks for sharing your story of hope with us. Please have a wonderful day.