The only circumstance where I can imagine actually ending my life is if I was afraid of something more than I was afraid of death. If I had a serious illness and was afraid of the pain, then maybe. Otherwise, I’m stuck here. I’m not physically impulsive, and I’m averse to injury, so I’m not going to do anything like that. I’m not strong willed and I don’t have a clear idea of things in life I won’t accept. I’ve already failed at everything in life, yet I’m still here. There’s no low to which I’ll think ‘this is too much.’ I’m already at the bottom. I’m far past the point where most people would think ‘I’d kill myself if that was me.’ That is me, and I’m still here.
So I’m stuck here. Or rather, I’ve trapped myself here. My will to survive at any cost traps me. But I don’t want it. I don’t want to try anymore. I don’t want to have to sit in this mess I’ve made, and scrabble around, trying to look for a way out. I’m so tired of being me, having this shit in my head. I want to be someone else. Someone functional.
Instinct drives me to survive, and find some way to reproduce. Rationality tells me it’s pointless and immoral. Emotionally I want to give up.
5 comments
Do you consider death as something freeing? Or something disturbing that should be avoided? Do you consider life as something freeing? Or something disturbing that should be avoided?
Death would hopefully bring an end to suffering, but it also feels terrifying and I have a deep aversion to it. Life is…painful. It promises a lot when you’re young, and I have so many meaningful memories of that time. But then I failed to fulfil whatever potential I had, and now it’s too late. And it hurts. It feels like a prison. I’m left watching all those who made better choices live real lives, and I’m just waiting for it to end. I’m also far more sensitive to the disturbing aspects of life than is healthy. So I do tend to avoid things most consider essential to life.
Hi Husk, Yea I feel like that a lot myself, matter of fact believe it or not a lot of people do A LOT! It’s not easy, I find people that keep themselves busy have less time to think how screwed up things are including myself. Remember a lot of people have problems they just hide them well. nobody is perfect and always want what they don’t have. Human nature. Hang in there and do your best to do what you can do to please yourself. That’s what I try to do to make life a little more better.
Keeping busy is good advice. It’s just hard to maintain the will sometimes, if you know it’s just a distraction. I’ll plan things to do, but 5 minutes in the overwhelming futility of it all hits and I just want to curl up in a ball.
Yup I know that too! Depends on how far your down or depressed it can be really hard to get going and keep going, I found that in-between the suffering as making progress on what ever I’m up to starts to add up and I see I’m on my way, I always keep my eye on the prize that helps.
It’s like you built a house then it burnt down, OMG! This sucks! But you will feel better after it’s done. Then you can move on to the next project it gets easier because you know you can do it.