This whole forum thing is really new to me and I’m pretty scared of it all. I’m worried that I’m bothering everyone or doing something wrong by doing this, and while I may not feel really bad right now, I know that I will again at some point and that I really need the help. I’m a 16 year old therian and reluctant trans fem who is in a really bad place with their self esteem. I can’t stand being trans in the least and I just want to be cis… It makes things so much harder. I always hate how my body is wrong and I always focus on the things that need to be done to “fix” my body. I constantly belittle myself about my appearance and voice, even though I know it’s fine. The real reason is the above desire to be cis above most anything else and feeling irreparably below everyone else because of it. I feel so constantly worthless and useless.
I don’t have depression or anxiety, I’m neurotypical, but I was abused while young and it’s caused me to be guarded and closed off about everything as well as seeded the terrible self esteem I have now. Recently what’s really been pushing all this terrible festering of feelings inside to a breaking point is my getting a car and starting to drive. I should have my license by now, but I got rejected by the DMV for the discrepancy in names; forms from the driving school had my normal name on them and legal ones had the dead one. I worked so hard and fought my abusive and alt right father to change my name legally to fix this problem (and myself), and yet I got rejected again just last week… This time because of the Social Security card.
Now, I’ve hopefully tied up all loose ends with an appointment tomorrow, but I really started to hate myself more and more because of these things that keep setting me back for so long and hurting me that I should never have to deal with… and that’s setting aside the already existing issues with my terrible and self-isolated social life where I shut everyone out because I’m afraid they don’t like me and secretly just hate me and my therianthropy that I’m considerably more okay with, but makes some things really hard, like the fact that I always hide it.
My social life is a mess, except for my loving girlfriend who is practically the only thing keeping me going now. I never do anything, only waste the precious time I have doing nothing and wishing I was more productive. I have no worth for myself and I only like to make others happy and feel better to try and lift myself a little, give me a reason to live. I push everyone in real life away from me and isolate myself, feeling alone and far off from the world with many fears and self hates kept down inside.
Everyone around me expects so much from me and I feel horrible and beat myself up when I can’t provide or aren’t good enough. I’m never good enough because I really feel that I am nothing, and just a pathetic and useless person for others to use to be happy and feel good; a disposable confidant who gets thrown out when no one needs her anymore.
This is all just an oversimplification of everything going on with me with much more under the surface and really only focusing on the recent event to really put me into the contemplating place. I’m glad I finally have reached out about this and am having a small moment of hope to do so before I get to the real breaking point, and I would really appreciate any help or support from all this desolation and self hate…
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“I really started to hate myself more and more because of these things that keep setting me back for so long and hurting me that I should never have to deal with.”
Even before I got to that line, I was thinking it about your story. It sounds like life has thrown a ton of unnecessary tortures at you, and even though you are finding your way around them, they leave their psychological mark. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with all of this and you’re only 16. Life (meaning human society) really sucks. I had to look up the word therian but it makes total sense to me. Who would want to identify as a proud member of the human species when all the human species has done is cause misery and hardship.
I don’t have any advice (not that you were asking or need it) because I’m struggling with a lot of the same problems. But I just wanted to say I hope you’ve found a safe place here and can let your feelings out and start to heal yourself.
Thank you, and I’m really trying but nothing seems to work. I try and try, I stay optimistic and bouncy on the surface, but when I retreat back to myself everything real comes out. I’m hoping the one day I can push past this and be happy, but sometimes I have really hard nights and bad days where all I want is death…
Yeah, I’m pretty young and Idk if it’s my vulpine side or the forced growing up from everything in my life compacted into such a small timespan, but for the most part I’m still pretty childish and stupid and when talking to others most seem to pick out this flaw and belittle me for it…
Being therian can be… hard. It depends on how much dysphoria or impulses you feel at any given time but it can make living in society be one of the hardest things in a day
By the way you write, it sounds like you’re advanced beyond your physical years. And to me that means someone who was robbed of their childhood. So it makes sense that you would have a “childish and stupid” side which I don’t think is a flaw at all. I think it’s a strength that you are still connected to innocence, and I hope you can hold on to it despite life’s beatings.
It sounds like your lifeline is your gf, and maybe she can help indulge your childish silly side. I had that once and we formed a sort of insular bubble around ourselves which was what got me through society’s BS. Maybe that’s the solution for all of us, as artificial as it sounds, we need to carve out our own safe spaces however small they may be. As a teenager you might not have that luxury since you’re forced to interact. But I would say if you can just survive the next few years in 1 piece then (I hate this saying but…) things WILL get better.
Of course they get worse again once you hit your 30s but we won’t talk about that 😉 A little suicidal humour there.
Yeah… I know I just have to hold out for a little while longer then I can do lots more stuff and work on things. My gf is my lifeline and the only person I can really be myself and let my guard down with and when I get to it’s amazing, but everywhere else I close myself up and hide from everyone and everything.. My next landmark is getting out of this house and making that little safe space for myself where I’m away from all the hurtful things around me but getting there is pretty tough…
What I get out of reading your post is 1)You seem rather bright, and 2) your sense of identity has gone haywire.
This could be happening so that you can finally come to see what an illusory thing this notion of identity we cling to actually is.
Wait what? I’m kind of confused… What’s wrong with my sense of identity? For the most part, I feel like it’s solid, but I hate that one aspect about me because I just wish I didn’t have to deal with what I have to. And that whole last part confuses me too, sorry… I’m not very smart
hey
still clinging to a little bit of hope? : )