This whole forum thing is really new to me and I’m pretty scared of it all. I’m worried that I’m bothering everyone or doing something wrong by doing this, and while I may not feel really bad right now, I know that I will again at some point and that I really need the help. I’m a 16 year old therian and reluctant trans fem who is in a really bad place with their self esteem. I can’t stand being trans in the least and I just want to be cis… It makes things so much harder. I always hate how my body is wrong and I always focus on the things that need to be done to “fix” my body. I constantly belittle myself about my appearance and voice, even though I know it’s fine. The real reason is the above desire to be cis above most anything else and feeling irreparably below everyone else because of it. I feel so constantly worthless and useless.
I don’t have depression or anxiety, I’m neurotypical, but I was abused while young and it’s caused me to be guarded and closed off about everything as well as seeded the terrible self esteem I have now. Recently what’s really been pushing all this terrible festering of feelings inside to a breaking point is my getting a car and starting to drive. I should have my license by now, but I got rejected by the DMV for the discrepancy in names; forms from the driving school had my normal name on them and legal ones had the dead one. I worked so hard and fought my abusive and alt right father to change my name legally to fix this problem (and myself), and yet I got rejected again just last week… This time because of the Social Security card.
Now, I’ve hopefully tied up all loose ends with an appointment tomorrow, but I really started to hate myself more and more because of these things that keep setting me back for so long and hurting me that I should never have to deal with… and that’s setting aside the already existing issues with my terrible and self-isolated social life where I shut everyone out because I’m afraid they don’t like me and secretly just hate me and my therianthropy that I’m considerably more okay with, but makes some things really hard, like the fact that I always hide it.
My social life is a mess, except for my loving girlfriend who is practically the only thing keeping me going now. I never do anything, only waste the precious time I have doing nothing and wishing I was more productive. I have no worth for myself and I only like to make others happy and feel better to try and lift myself a little, give me a reason to live. I push everyone in real life away from me and isolate myself, feeling alone and far off from the world with many fears and self hates kept down inside.
Everyone around me expects so much from me and I feel horrible and beat myself up when I can’t provide or aren’t good enough. I’m never good enough because I really feel that I am nothing, and just a pathetic and useless person for others to use to be happy and feel good; a disposable confidant who gets thrown out when no one needs her anymore.
This is all just an oversimplification of everything going on with me with much more under the surface and really only focusing on the recent event to really put me into the contemplating place. I’m glad I finally have reached out about this and am having a small moment of hope to do so before I get to the real breaking point, and I would really appreciate any help or support from all this desolation and self hate…