When I’m gone

You know, I was a lot like your son in terms of living arrangements and blaming, but with me, it was my mom, not my dad, and he abandoned me before I was even born and never offered support, as well. I wouldn’t say I was a complete ingrate, but up until the day my mother passed away due to complications of renal failure, I don’t think I ever fully appreciated all the sacrifices she made and all the love and care she offered me. Instead, I spent much of that time wishing I’d never been born, thinking that if only I didn’t exist, my mom might have had a shot at a normal life, with a man who loved her as much as she did him, and a child or children they both conceived and raised together, you know, the way it’s SUPPOSED to be. I only just (I’m 50 now) got a handle on what being grateful truly means, and I’ve had some pretty awful tests of that gratitude since its discovery. Before that, I was slowly slipping down into existential depression from the moment my mother passed away until just over a year ago, and I was just generally depressed years prior to that, as we were stuck living together, both of us staring at our own versions of dead end lives, neither of us able to do a single thing to help each other because there was too much resentment over what we were both doing to each other, both consciously and unconsciously. I often wonder why she never kicked me out. I even told her that she ought to, that she deserved to be happy, even if it meant shutting me out of her life. Part of me wanted her to do that, because then I’d be at a crossroads, and I’d have to decide whether to let life steamroll me, or if I’d value myself enough to get the help I needed and rejoin the world in some way. In the end, that is exactly what happened, and I decided my life was worth living, but only if I could do so honestly and stop punishing myself so severely for my faults, instead owning and correcting them as best I could.

I don’t know if any of this will help you, because based on my experiences, there wasn’t anything I could have done differently. It wasn’t as though I’d given up, just that nothing I’d attempted panned out. I’m not a very motivated person when it comes to material trappings, so it’s difficult for me to set career goals, since any job will do as long as I can live comfortably and feel like my work is valuable and valued. One thing I will say, however, is that addicts are not people you can help, they are only people you can enable. I don’t have an addictive personality, thankfully, but I did use marijuana as a crutch when I was having a hard time finding a job or any form of happiness, and because it ended up pushing everyone away, it made it far more difficult finding a new job than it needed to be. I’m sure I’d have given up entirely had I not made the wise and financially necessary decision to quit. I sincerely hope that you’re able to get through to your son, but ultimately you need to see him for who and what he is, and if there is a decent part of him, find a way to communicate with it and make it clear that you’ve reached your limit and things WILL change, one way or another. He’s 39. You did your job. It’s time for you to find some peace and relaxation (and maybe even some appreciation!) in your golden years.