Nothing Left

I’ve lost everything, or at least it feels like it. I’ve spent the last year in a relationship in which neither of us knew how to love one another. Consequently, I spent a lot of it being screamed at. I’ve just recently ended it and despite this being for the greater good I now feel truly alone, more so then I ever have before. All my friends either have moved on or have bigger aspects of their lives to tend to. Even if they didn’t, I feel so weak and sick whenever I even give a hint of an honest detail of how I feel that I doubt I’ll ever let them truly help. I have no relationship with my family and I don’t intend to change this, no matter how much I yearn for it I don’t think I can bring myself to forgive them for their past actions.. I have so many awful thoughts I’ve never had before. All these insecurities about myself and irrational beliefs that all my friends secretly despise me.  I feel ashamed to admit that I’ve begun struggling with newly acquired anxiety. I’ll randomly have elevated heart rates and attacks; fortunately I manage to adjust their occurrences to when I’m alone since I feel so embarrassed about it. I don’t understand myself anymore and at this point I’m too numb to cry. I’m in a losing battle with my own head constantly. My future looks bleak, another year spent completing a degree so intense I’ll struggle to keep sanity through it. Completed in an unfamiliar town that I’ve struggled to grow accustomed to. None of my old hobbies interest me anymore. I’ve tried returning to old videogames, sports and hobbies and yet they all feel so empty. I constantly yearn for the past, barely even a year ago I’d never felt better. It all felt so fulfilling and meaningful back then, nothing forced. It’s as if life just made sense. Even when I felt awful, I still had so much in my life to keep me alive, so many distractions from this life’s bleak underbelly. I’m at my lowest point, I self harm more regularly then I ever have before. I’m running out of reasons to live, pretty soon the only barrier to the emptiness of non-existence will be my fear that as barren as my life is, it’s still somewhat preferable to what awaits after-death. Despite it’s constant, recurring arrival in my thoughts, I’ll never bring myself to suicide. Instead, I’m scared I’m heading to a lifeless limbo where I simply live for the sake of living.