25 years. At this point, I don’t have the energy to even write. I’m not allowed to think. I’m not allowed to sleep. I’m a mindless drone that spends every cursed second of his life working like a slave for the benefit of those I hate. I’ve held on this long, because I held out hope that one day, things would change. One day, maybe I would be free. One day, maybe life would be fair to me, and give me a chance for a change. I’ve been chained to these hateful people since the day I was born, and I thought maybe one day I would get a chance to start my own story.
But I realize, after 25 years of struggle, that day will never come. There’s only one way to walk away from it all, and that’s a bullet through my brain. I’m making plans to do it, though as usual there are a million hurdles to jump over due to where I live and the laws here.
I really do give up, I really, really do. Every single hope has crumbled to nothingness. Every lukewarm feeling that gave me some semblance of warmth is cold emptiness now. I hold a sort of mild, hollow hatred for all living things, and I long for the stillness of death every day. Even my fears have all faded into a calm, unmoving dread, a peaceful terror.
I am already dead. Just a walking corpse. At this point there is no life left in me. When I finally die, it’ll just be my body and brain. The rest of it is already gone.
2 comments
Sending you great compassion and praying that your soul will find a lighter path.
There is always a light at then end of a dark tunnel. Keep moving forward, this too shall pass.
I’m assuming you’re living with family or people that are making your life a living hell. I don’t mean to sound flippant or to trivialize your situation, but why not just get a job that is a living wage so you can escape that trap you’re in?
Granted I live in an expensive city so it’s nearly impossible to get by on one income-but you can also choose to live in a different city where cost of living is cheaper.
Hell there are jobs offered in many countries you can move to and I know plenty of people who worked in places like China and Saudi Arabia for example because they earned a very high income.
So unless you are disabled or unable to work, that is the best way to change your life. F those b@stards and do everything you can to get out of there.