I met my abuser in the summer of 2019 (just before my sophomore year). He was attractive, charismatic, and played his way into my heart singing love songs on the guitar. The first month was perfect; cute coffee dates and late-night bonfires with our closest friends. That all ended very quickly. To put it simply..he was a depressed, bipolar, unpredictable 17-year-old with serious anger issues. He was violent, manipulative, and flat-out scary. At the time, I had never been in a serious relationship, and ignored just about every red flag in the book. The first time I tried to break up with him he held his dad’s gun to his head. It was only in March of 2020 when I was finally able to end things, and I think I have the pandemic to thank for that. He taunted me all summer, sending me texts about how much he hated me and photos of his SH. He’d send me videos of him driving recklessly when he didn’t even have his license yet, and threaten to stop eating or kill himself. It was a rough summer, but I gained the courage to cut all ties with him and block him on just about everything.
The year that followed, I struggled with severe depression and anxiety that blossomed from my PTSD from the traumatic relationship. I had my first panic attack that September, and they became very frequent through the winter into the spring (2021). Because my depression and anxiety went untreated for so long, when I finally got help it was too late. I started seeing my therapist in March, and shortly after was diagnosed with GAD (generally anxiety disorder) and depression. I was prescribed Prozac. I became extremely suicidal, my therapist and I weren’t seeing eye-to-eye, and I gave up on the idea of getting help. On Easter, I had a failed suicide attempt.
This lead to my first hospitalization. I was in an in-patient behavioral health unit for about 7 days. I’ll admit, this helped my parents understand what was going on with me because they heard it from medical and psychological experts. I switched medications to Lexapro and Trazodone. When I was released, I was sent to an out-patient behavioral health unit for 4 weeks. And from the rest of April/May through early July I was doing really well, at least I thought I was. Early July I started to develop terrible side affects from my medications, my doctors think I may have developed serotonin-syndrome. I began hearing voices, one so negative that it drove me to self-harm again and almost lead me to attempt suicide. This lead to my second hospitalization. The second one was shorter than the first, but much worse. It made me feel like all the hard work I had done was for nothing. It’s like the reset button was hit, only I was hearing voices. They switched my medications, again, but while I was there they seemed very interested in my trauma story because PTSD can cause you to hallucinate- so I opened up to them about my abuser. Then they filed a police report on him, which caused me a lot of anxiety but looking back on it I’m happy they helped me do that.
Currently, it seems I have relapsed again. Since July I have been in this constant cycle of wanting to end my life and feeling somewhat better and having hope I’ll be fine, only to feel hopeless again. I am still constantly switching medications, one of the meds I just stopped taking was making me rapidly gain weight. I have body-image issues as it is…and that made everything worse. My mom just found out I’ve been binging and purging, and my psychiatrist made note that I’ve been losing a lot of weight. I’m so fucking tired of being STUCK in this loop of depression and anxiety and state of numbness. I’m exhausted, I want to rest. Suicide has never been so tempting.
4 comments
recovery takes time, sometimes relapse is part of that. Some drugs suck, or they suck now, and in a few years your metabolism will change to where they are halfway decent. In any case, drugs just buy you time to deal with stuff.
You’re still relatively young though (if I’m reading this right), the brain is incredible at bouncing back, especially before age 25. You’ve got a toxic ex, that isn’t your fault. You’ve entered recovery at the worst time for it in the last 30 years, again, not your fault.
I can’t help but ask; expect less of yourself. I wish someone had said it to me sooner. Some days I just get up in the morning and sit stock still for two-three hours. If I need it, I guess I’ll do it. I’d rather to that than deal with a panic attack, or ending up in a suicidal spiral.
You seem bright enough to understand that this fight for your life is temporary. It is a time to reassess, figure out who you want to be, who you need to be. You’ll never be motivated to be anyone else.
Wishing you well regardless of where you choose to go with it. Thank you for sharing your story.
i think i needed to hear this, thank you.
Well first, congrats for recognizing that he is a manipulative POS and for cutting all ties with him. That’s the first two best steps you’ve made. There are some people that are just bad for us.
yeah i definitely agree, thanks :,)