I don’t understand myself either

the thing is, i don’t understand myself either. i am also a stranger to my own emotions and my own thoughts, my memory doesn’t work anymore too. they ask me what i mean and why i am like this as if i do know, they get mad as if i like being unbearable. i don’t think i have truly talked to anyone is a long while now.. i’ve spoken but not actually talked. i’m always mad too.. and hopeless, and frankly i want to punch every person that tells me it’ll get better.. no it won’t, the problem isn’t that i’m just not trying hard enough, the problem lays in the structure of this stupid life. i’m not poor but i’m not rich either and thinking about working so damn hard just to get out of it, just to stand on my feet, makes me sick, and even if i did even if i could, i still think the world is too fucked, way beyond fucked, i come from a shit place, i cant fix it and i cant ever erase the guilt that haunts me, i can’t deny a part of me, i cant deny the injustice and the pain that comes with stepping on others and on my own roots.
i always thought i can fight hard enough to prove who i am,, but thats so lonely and did i ever really know who i am? i’m literally just a pinterest board what if everything i ever was is just what i Chose to be, not who i actually am, and i know no one chooses to be in pain or outcased but mentally ill people do.. what if im just trying to justify my lack and my shitty self in every way. i cant even unalive myself properly cuz im scared of the afterlife, because okey am i willing to risk whatever percentage chance it actually exists? am i willing to risk the eternal doom? i literally dont know anything and im not sure of anything and i don’t want to participate in this anymore ive been like this for literally years now but i can’t even Not Participate properly.
i have convinced myself well that i cant feel love and i can’t taste food and i think i really did.. i really cant feel human anymore. i cant look at myself and i cant love anyone and i dont know who i am and no one knows what i am so do i really exist? is being purposeless actually accounts as living? it’s like im already dead but i have to act like the living, a bad cosplay and a shitty feeling. i thought people liked what i had to say but actually i now think they just liked to have an exquisite little monkey that they can tell people around them they met this “weird” person, this person with “funny” thoughts who is down to chill. I know they don’t hate me i really know that i still am close to my 1st grade friend.. but i also know that im just a concept to them. i think my death would be a great story that they can add to their list of experiences and quirky fun activities.. “oh i was friends with someone that offed themselves” get some ohs and im so sorry are “you” okeys.
idk why im not off yet.. maybe i do care that my mom isn’t inconvenienced.. that my little brother won’t find my death quirky.. but i also do not act alive either to them so they only keep me around cuz they have to.. if i was a stranger i know for a fact my family would spit on me.. strange how people convince themselves with unreal things.. until they become real, love and feeling and thoughts are so fragile and so delusional..
anyways if you read this far thanks ig.. please don’t tell me to live i really don’t care and it’s not an offense really just i don’t think a comment on the internet will make me forget that this world is a piece of shit and that im just a clown. i really hope i die soon and if theres a salvation that i get to it in anything.. whether it is a heaven or an eternal void.