I’m a loser.
I can count all the true friends I have that care about me on one hand.
I’m fat. No matter what I do; exercise, walks, jumping on the trampoline, no eating after supper, drinking lots of water, I never seem to lose weight which makes my diabetes even worse and makes me even more depressed. I gained 3 fucking pounds in July.
I have asthma, I will always have asthma. It has gotten better over the years but some days I find myself out of breath walking up the stairs or down the stairs, and it sucks.
I haven’t worked a real job since 2015. I apply and apply an apply but with such a large gap, people don’t even want me in for an interview. I have a lot to offer, or at least I thought I did.
I’m a useless husband. I make the bed and do the laundry and other such assorted tasks but a lot of the time I can’t and don’t provide for my wife. This is the worse feeling I have that she knows she doesn’t need me and that she is better off with someone else that has a job, money, license, self esteem, self worth, etc.
I fail at everything I do. I have written three novels, something to pass the time or else I would just sit here all day, but none of them go anywhere. A few agents asked to see my novel and that was the last I ever heard from them. Some days I just wanna give up trying.
Some mornings I wake up to say goodbye to my wife and tell her to have a good day at work then cover myself up because I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t get up because I don’t see the point in it.
What’s the point of waking up sometimes? The point of life? I got nothing going for me.
I don’t know, maybe I’m depressed? I’m not going to see a doctor that’s a waste of money to go on meds, I just need things to change, but I don’t know if things ever will.
Some nights I go to sleep after saying my “I love you” routine that we always say to each other, and hope that I die in my sleep peacefully and that way nobody has to worry about me being a useless burden to them anymore.
Some never listen to me or at least say they do. When I wanna talk about something serious they always “Oh my god you are so dramatic” so I feel I need to type this letter so you can just laugh at it as always yet whenever you wanna be serious I always listen but meh.
I’m sorry diabetes killed our sex life.
Sorry.
1 comment
Live for your wife bro. You can hate yourself all you want for who you are right now but you have the choice to do something, anything about it. Even trying to do something can mean a lot to her and even yourself. And don’t just stay alive, LIVE.