No choices left

I’m a loser.

I can count all the true friends I have that care about me on one hand.

I’m fat. No matter what I do; exercise, walks, jumping on the trampoline, no eating after supper, drinking lots of water, I never seem to lose weight which makes my diabetes even worse and makes me even more depressed. I gained 3 fucking pounds in July.

I have asthma, I will always have asthma. It has gotten better over the years but some days I find myself out of breath walking up the stairs or down the stairs, and it sucks.

I haven’t worked a real job since 2015. I apply and apply an apply but with such a large gap, people don’t even want me in for an interview. I have a lot to offer, or at least I thought I did.

I’m a useless husband. I make the bed and do the laundry and other such assorted tasks but a lot of the time I can’t and don’t provide for my wife. This is the worse feeling I have that she knows she doesn’t need me and that she is better off with someone else that has a job, money, license, self esteem, self worth, etc.

I fail at everything I do. I have written three novels, something to pass the time or else I would just sit here all day, but none of them go anywhere. A few agents asked to see my novel and that was the last I ever heard from them. Some days I just wanna give up trying.

Some mornings I wake up to say goodbye to my wife and tell her to have a good day at work then cover myself up because I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t get up because I don’t see the point in it.

What’s the point of waking up sometimes? The point of life? I got nothing going for me.

I don’t know, maybe I’m depressed? I’m not going to see a doctor that’s a waste of money to go on meds, I just need things to change, but I don’t know if things ever will.

Some nights I go to sleep after saying my “I love you” routine that we always say to each other, and hope that I die in my sleep peacefully and that way nobody has to worry about me being a useless burden to them anymore.

Some never listen to me or at least say they do. When I wanna talk about something serious they always “Oh my god you are so dramatic” so I feel I need to type this letter so you can just laugh at it as always yet whenever you wanna be serious I always listen but meh.

I’m sorry diabetes killed our sex life.

Sorry.