Im 30, never known my father other than he abused my mom till the day she gave birth to me. I found out hes been in prison since he was 21. Hes 50-something or other…point being i thought i didnt care. How could i? Someone so cruel to physically hurt the mother of their child even after giving birth to said child-thats not man. So why should i care? Recently outta the blue my mom shows me a picture of him for the first time in all my life and now- i dont know how to feel. Its weird, a numb kinda feeling. Like im going on autopilot. Why is it bothering me so much, why did i trouble myself to research him and find out where hes imprisoned? Why do i feel the need to see him even though i know nothing good would come oit of it? I kinda know why deep down but also why? Its been the icing on the cake of the string of dread inducing thoughts of situations. And i just dont need that on top of worrying about being homeless..again. its just really weird. I just needed to spill this out into the void.
Thanks for your time
3 comments
i understand.
i didnt know who my dad was. when i was younger my grandfather would tell me he had something to tell me when i was older. when i was about 11 i asked my “parents” if i was adopted.
it turned out my dad wasnt my dad. so i found out what i could and he actually ended up messaging me just before my 18th bday. im 22 now and… we dont really talk anymore. things just emotionally dont seem to be there.
i also understand the imprisonment thing. my grandfather on my fake fathers side was in jail. what for isnt important but i might have been involved. i dont believe i was, but there is a blank spot so i dont know. i remember finding out that he was getting out…. considering the last time i saw him was when i was little and on halloween night at families house, i personally feel different then you, and im not to impressed by the situation.
people feel different things. and my advice is no matter what you feel, you feel that way for a reason. those feelings need to be cared about and heard just like you as a person. as much as it might hurt, try to not ignore them. and maybe talk to your mom about it if you can, support can be helpful at times.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Yeah I’m definitely trying not to run away from the feelings but sorta make some sense to em. I’ve spent a lot of my life suppressing feelings and that’s how I’ve had explosive episodes or even blackouts. So I definitely don’t need that again.
I do find it frustrating that it bothers me so much while I have other more important stress factors that need attention. Bad timing I try to remind myself still maddening though.
Coming here to vent just so I could get this truth off my chest was the only thing I could think of. My mom really hates talking bout my father and I’ve noticed she shuts down and starts trying to mentally run away from the subject. And most of my friends I could talk to about this have exited my life or won’t be able to relate since they’ve had both parents in the picture. I feel a little lost, not wanting to die per se or hurt myself. Just at a loss of what to do.
if you need someone to talk to, i dont mind listening