Am I finally reaching the end?

Less than a week ago I was released from a psychiatrist hospital. I cried and thought about dying as soon as I got home, regretting not having died already. Two weeks ago I messaged a crisis hotline and they told me to sleep it off. I woke up depressed and suicidal.

“It gets better”, they say. I wholeheartedly believed it from when I was 14 and now I’m 21, and sometimes I do have moments where I think it can, but I feel like I’m inching closer to death every day.

I’ve been crying almost day since the end of June. I went to a inpatient facility in august and they treated me like shit after misdiagnosing me then let me out 11 days into 30 day program.

I have one friend and I’m genuinely a burden to them. I have BPD and they’re my FP and they’ve been drifting away, and my one other friend blocked me after trying to break me away from my FP.

I feel like I can’t even function. I don’t know how to form connections with other people. I understand and recognize emotions and stuff but I feel like I’m a robot in some ways when I try to talk to people and that’s how it’s been my whole life.

I have my parents and brother but all I’ve ever done is cause them trouble and pain. I can’t even cry anymore right now. I don’t know what to think and I’m just empty. I don’t even want to go to thanksgiving dinner because my anxiety is causing nausea and my depression is also killing my appetite, and I’ll likely start crying. I just wish I’d stop waking up everyday.