As I am nearing the end,I’m finally in the mood to write my story,top to bottom,down.I’m sure it will be long,and i don’t really expect anyone to read it,but I’m grateful for the place to express every last feeling without being told “Stop talking like that,” or being ordered to take meds/go to therapy/etc.
I am in my early thirties,and would rather not see another birthday. My life is very empty,probably because of ways that I have screwed up,probably because I am just a bad person and I dont deserve any better.
 I started this life as an accident,an unwanted child.My mother actually sought to abort me,but my father stopped her,not out of any act of love or kindness,but didnt want to have the stigma. Or he wanted to opportunity to terrorize me throughout my life,of which he has done very well. On the surface,I had a decent childhood,but when you peel the layers back,I was always aware of what a burden I was,an embarrasment.I have been through some difficult times that no one is aware of,because I cant even really speak of them,and know that if I did,the people around me would accuse me of twisting things or exaggerating or making it up. Thats ok,Im not looking for healing-I have always just wanted to feel safe,and I never have. Reason #1 that I choose death.No one can hurt me there.
 I have never had many friends,and no boyfriends until I met my first one in college.I had a tumultuous relationship with him that had me dealing with multiple abortions(unlike my mother,I did not cower from that decision) a lifelong STD,and being cheated on. Not to mention the fact that as time went on,he rarely wanted to sleep with me,and criticized me for trying to get him to .
 He finally moved out of state one day after calling me at 11pm at night to tell me,acting like it was no big deal. we saw each other a few more times after he moved,but he never asked me to go with him,and a few months later,I moved too,to a different state,to start over. I thought I might have a chance-I was 24,and wanted to salvage something of my life. I spent the next several years getting a degree and not dating,figuring that my STD ruined me for anyone else. Besides,other men werent exactly pursuing me-its not like Im the type of girl that men are attracted to.
 Anyway,after I started my career(one I wasnt sure i wanted but it seemed better than doing nothing) I met my current boyfriend at work. we were friendly for awhile first,and he was the first guy I was attracted to since my ex. He hesitated getting involved with me at first,but we eventually did,and the first two years of our relationship was pretty good.He was ok with my STD,esp. in light of the fact that he didnt want to do anything before marriage,so it never factored in. i felt a little unattractive at first,since he didnt seem to want to sleep with me,but tried to take him at face value when he said it was religious beliefs. He treated me so well and told me he loved me-no one ever had before.
Two years into it,I turned 30-an event looming over me for a couple years prior. I became mildly depressed that I had reached that age without accompishing anything,didnt even have my bachelors,just an associates,and wasnt engaged/married,no children…my finances were still a wreck,I couldnt get credit for anything.At this time,i brought up the idea of getting engaged,and he hesitated.Long story short,there were several requirements/hoops he wanted me to jump through first,and i did so,for 6 mos.Then I gave him a deadline.He surprised me on a trip a week before the deadline,and I was sure he was going to propose. he didn’t,and when I challenged him on it,we fought,and he later claimed that he was looking for a ring one night but I bugged him so much on the phone that nigth that he decided not to.
Thats what sent my depression even deeper. I was terrified of losing him,and thats when I realized that my life was looking pretty awful. Everyone at work around me was getting engaged or married or pregnant,to add fuel to the fire. Suicide entered my mind,and i acquired a drug that I know would help me if the time came. A couple of months later,I ended up in the hospital,not for an attempt,but just b/c my depression was so severe I couldnt function. I had been seeing a therapist for years before,and was on meds at that time,but obviously it didnt do jack. Neither did the hospitalization,or the intensive support group that I was urged to attend afterwards.
Over the next several months,my BF and I saw two couples counselors,he moved out of state to relocate for his job(but unlike my ex,he did ask me to go). i ended up in the hospital a second time after he moved,when he called me up to tell me that i shouldnt move until we were engaged(of which he still hesitated,saying that I wasnt “stable” enough yet). he took it back later,butI had already had a breakdown at work,which didnt help matters. i was due to move to be with him as soon as I found a job,apt,etc,but it was taking longer than i had planned. In the meantime,a couple of months after my 2nd hospitalization(which REALLY did not help),I lost my job.
I eventually found another one two months after I lost my other job,and relocated,expecting that an engagement would now be imminent. But when he still hesitated,I became more and more despondent. About 6 months ago,he started withdrawing from spending time with me,we saw another couples counselor who gave up on us,and I overheard him trashing me on the phone to his best friend,for which he never apologized. I “broke up” with him over that,but only lasted a week,because being without him was too painful. But this summer was awful-he took 5 weeks off and didnt spend a single day with me. I “broke up” again,but again,couldnt handle it. In the meantime I tried seeing 3 other therapists here,but they didnt work out b/c he would contact them(as well as my estranged family memebrs) behind my back to tell them that I was crazy and suicidal and unbalanced.
Add to that,the initial job that i took when I moved here didnt work out,I quit before I was fired again,and have found another job that is more quiet.However,my boss,who started out being friendly,has stopped and now will say derogatory things about me and takes advantage of the time that I am there.
My BF wants me to try this other group therapy,but I am tired. he has threatened to leave me or “send me back” to my home state if i dont do it. My boss claims she supports me in going,but on the other hand complains that its going to mess up her schedule.
I have tried until im blue in the face to tell everyone what will make me happy. Instead,I get condescending lectures (from friends,family,BF and therapists) about how having children and being married isnt a piece of cake and that I need to be “healthy” first. Yet,I see far more people in worse situations that have done worse in their lives,and somehow they are good enough to be loved unconditionally and have a family. Obviously I am the lowest ranking of scum if I can’t have even that.
And before the religious chime in with their come to Jesus lectures,let me tell you,that one of the many hoops ive jumped through was going to church gain,and Ive prayed for years to God to be worthy enough to be married and have children. When he ignored that ,Ive prayed for mercy and that he would take me so i didnt have to suffer here anymore. That was ignored too. So I think that God and I have kind of gone our separate ways for now. If he exists or not,if he wants to punish me for ending things,thats his deal. I have tried.
When I was at home,I used television as my escape,and got lost in the fantasy worlds of characters onscreen. There was one series that I got into when I was 15-16,in which the lead couple had such a deep friendship and romance,that I always wanted that in real life. Now I know that it doesnt exist. I found it again on youtube/amazon,and Im allowing myself to get lost in it again,as though its giving me the courage to pass onto another plane,where pain doesnt exist in any form anymore.
This may sound crazy-Im not hearing voices or psychotic,I think its just my minds way of coping,of escaping the hell that my life has become. I have cut myself and beat myself for years to let some of the pain out,and its just not enough anymore.
So I have set a date,one that is meaningful only to me.No one would ever guess it.Ive threatened suicide numerous times to people,only to be told to “quit it” and that I would get myself committed. Ive done endless research and continue to do more,but I have a pretty good outline on my plan.I know enough about the method and the body to know that it will work the first time. Im not into gestures-I dont want attention,I want to be gone.
As I said a few days ago in a shorter post,I began to feel euphoric at the thought that i dont have to be here anymore.yes,I feel sad that i will never know unconditional love,will never be a mother,will never travel to a few places I have yet to get to-but in all reality,I dont want to spend the next 40,50 or more years watching my life unfold without it and seeing others in society be happy. I can’t stand to even walk outside,let alone go to a grocery store,and see happy people,couples,families.I wake up each morning,and its pain until I go to sleep at night. Im not hungry or thirsty anymore-its as though my body knows,and is shutting down for me.
My life hurts,and I just cant do it anymore.
To anyone still reading this,thank you,and please,to anyone who wants to post any “get help” comments,please dont. I’ve exhausted those possibilities. I’m done.
But if anyone feels like me,please post or PM me(can you do that on here?)
13 comments
Thank you for the sharing, even in the long form.
You have written in a clear easy to follow flow of what your issue’s are.
I relate to your life though mine has had some different issues, and some the same.
I also have an STD and the stigma thats attached to it. That feeling of being broken, tainted goods, unsellable. As mild as mine is, its still tough. Though has in no way contributed to my suicidal tendencies.
don’t give up yet.
your life feels empty and you blame yourself. so do something entirely selfish and feel better. drop the people who make you feel bad. who needs them… you don’t. they’re just wasting your time. think about it. or don’t, it’s your life.
if you’re really counting down to the end, do a bunch of funny, happy things you’ll enjoy before you kick it. what’s the point of waddling in pain every second if it’s all going to be over soon anyway? you might as well thoroughly enjoy yourself in the time you have left.
give yourself a month and just do things you like. don’t focus on the pain you’re going through. focus on the fact that it’ll be over in a month and you’ll think about it at the end of the month. forget everything and everyone else. maybe you’ll even feel better.
Your life has been rough. I have been married and for a bit enjoyed all that you were looking for. But it finally ended after 16 years of marriage but 20 total years of being together. I have nothing anymore and can’t imagine myself with anyone else. I feel your pain of trying but it just doesn’t work. I have talked to God too. Asked Him to help me, to show me the way, to give me a sign. I cried as I told Him that I’m broken so bad and need to be fixed. And 1 day later, I was back to thinking about how I’ll be committing suicide. I have never seen a therapist and I won’t. I read all these stories on here and see how it doesn’t actually work. I hope you can find a way to find peace before you end it. Life sucks. It truely does. I go back and forth on wanting to die. But my days of wanting this pain to go away way outweigh the days of wanting to live. Take a nice walk before you go…look straight ahead or up to the sky. It helps me release some of my hurt. I’m sorry you have to go through all of this.
You say that you have ‘threatened suicide’ to people you know. So maybe you’re not ready to die yet, maybe you are looking for help? May as well go to the group therapy until your date, you’ve got nothing to lose.
I have Herpes, and fortunately my spouse does too. I don’t know what your STD is, but we were able to have a cesarian. We have discussed adopting, too: there’s plenty of babies who need parents out there.
I’m not a big fan of religious nuts who throw Jesus in my face. I grew up in the South, and people sent preachers to my house when I told them I was an athiest. But I’ve been around too long and seen too much not to believe in God, and I think Jesus got it right. So, I read the Bible, and I have some cool friends I worship with, and I don’t hang out with the nuts (or, at least, I hang out with the nuts like me).
I’m not saying “get help” or adopt or become a Jesus freak. I’m just talking, because I’ve spent alot of time in dark places, and maybe my situations and feelings are different, but maybe a little similar, too.
I glad you’re not a suicide poser, and you intend to do it right. But I hope you survive. You sound like the kind of person I’d like.
By the way, on the TV thing: my vice is “Friends”. Stupid, I know. But I own all ten seasons and seriously, I’ve probably seen every episode 100 times. I used to watch about six episodes every night for years. God, how soothing.
I read to see if you are still employed. If you are, then someone must think you are certainly not the lowest ranking scum, you think you could be. If you what you do for your job is bearable, then that is a very good in that you can be self-reliant. There is alot of dignity to that.
Now, I do have proposal that could improve your life. It comes from my own experience of dealing with similar self-worth issues that you have faced. I have tried all the methods to deal with depression and low self-esteem for the last 35 years of my life. It wasn’t until about 4 years ago that I learned that only high physical exercion on a regular basis worked! You may say, “What??”. But, in my case I have to go to a gym (mine is Gold’s Gym) and workout with heavy weights. If I can go for about 2 hours per day for about 4-5 days a week, it ends my depression and in the meantime makes sleep better, feel better and look better. You might say, “No way!”, but if you have time, and I think you do, it can help you. I know you are a female, but weight lifting or high physical exercise done by yourself, with a trainer, or in groups. You may say, “I have tried this.” I did too, and stopped. But, I finally learned that lifting heavy weights helped m physiologically and aleviated a chronic depression that had me wanting to end my life relentlessly for all those years. I spoke to a renowned psychiatrists once online and he concurred with me that intense physical fitness can alleviate chronic, awful depression.
The reason I asked if you had a job, and one that you can bear, establishes that hopefully you have a regular schedule and you can make a schedule to go to gym before or after work. My gym membership with Gold’s is about $25/month with a two year contract. That is inexpensive. You would fine so many people in their for exactly the same things as you….ghastly awful depression….that they are staving off with physcial fitness. They are not in there to make theirself look beautiful…its about making them feel better.
Believe me, I have tried all other things and this works. And you will meet new people who will support you.
SORRY FOR A FEW TYPOS, I CLEANED THIS UP
I read to see if you are still employed. If you are, then someone must think you are certainly not the lowest ranking scum, you think you could be. If you what you do for your job is bearable, then that is a very good in that you can be self-reliant. There is alot of dignity to that.
Now, I do have proposal that could improve your life. It comes from my own experience of dealing with similar self-worth issues that you have faced. I have tried all the methods to deal with depression and low self-esteem for the last 35 years of my life. It wasn’t until about 4 years ago that I learned that only high physical exercion on a regular basis worked! You may say, “What??â€. But, in my case I have to go to a gym (mine is Gold’s Gym) and workout with heavy weights. If I can go for about 2 hours per day for about 4-5 days a week, it ends my depression and in the meantime makes me sleep better, feel better and look better. You might say, “No way!â€, but if you have time, and I think you do, it can help you. I know you are a female, but weight lifting or high physical exercise done by yourself, with a trainer, or in groups. You may say, “I have tried this.†I did too, and stopped. But, I finally learned that lifting heavy weights helped me physiologically and alleviated a chronic depression that had me wanting to end my life relentlessly for all those years. I spoke to a renowned psychiatrist once online and he concurred with me that intense physical fitness can stop chronic, awful depression.
The reason I asked if you had a job, and one that you can bear, establishes that hopefully you have a regular schedule and you can make a schedule to go to a gym before or after work. My gym membership with Gold’s is about $25/month with a two year contract. That is inexpensive. You would find so many people in there for exactly the same things as you….ghastly awful depression….that they are staving off with physcial fitness. I am accurate about that statement. They are not in there to make theirself look beautiful…its about making them feel better.
Believe me, I have tried all other things and this works. And you will meet new people who will support you.
Ive been reading these stories for hours and they just make me more depressed and then seeing yours makes me understand a little more things thanks
And, of course you would start out slowly…the important thing is to just go as much as you can and build from there. There are all ages and sorts of people. Try it for me, sunbird.
I actually do have herpes too…never talked to anyone else with it. I know it doesnt prevent you from having kids,but who would ever want to sleep with me and put themselves at risk for catching it? I havent been with anyone like that in 8 1/2 years….and even when I was with my ex he acted like it was horrible with me.
@one_day:yes,I probably did want help when I initally threatened,but now I no longer do. I have mentioned it and told people so that they will know for when it is over. I do plan to go to the group,only b/c it starts before my date,but I highly doubt it will change anything. It will just pass the time.
@caucajun,you are lucky that your issue hasnt affected you-mine has,obviously,but its only a piece of the puzzle.
@shithead,I would try the enjoyment thing-unfortunately there’s not much left for me to enjoy. I have no friends. I was initially planning to take a trip to Australia next spring,but now I just dont have the energy or stamina to make it. I can’t deal wit the everyday pain for a few days of maybe contentment. My little enjoyment comes from a little bit of TV,but its just enough to pass the time.
@taango,thanks for respecting the decision…sounds like we have some things in common.
@sunbird, my friend got herpes and he found there are some dating websites for people who have herpes specifically so you don’t have to deal with that awkwardness.
Can you please try something? When you go to your group therapy, if you go in with the attitude ‘I highly doubt it will change anything’, then you’re closing yourself off from what you can learn. Please go in with an open mind. It can’t help unless you are willing to take it seriously.
Dear sunbird, Dearest Angel,
A small consolation offering to you. You ARE of the Divine, as we all are. We are One.
All paths of the worldly experience are valuable, but not all are easy.
Our strengths are tested, sometimes with extreme cruelty and mostly with no clear design that we can understand.
On your path you have endured great pain. Others have similar paths. I have been where you are, wanting to end the unfairness, the emptiness and the pain.It tainted EVERYTHING in my life. In a dream I was told I was meant to walk that path, and because I did, any another was spared that particular experience, that particular pain. From that perspective, I found my self worth and forgave the ones I wanted to hate. I accept my experience. I have found peace.
Are you Dreaming when you sleep, Sunbird?