I’m going to kill myself soon.
though I say soon I do not have a certain date in mind.
I’ve been trying to connect with God but I’m not very loved by him.
I’ve been trying to distract myself but I’m not very motivated.
why do I have this heavy feeling in my chest, haven’t I had enough of life already? or is it human to fear death? if it is I don’t want to be human anymore.
I hate everything, though it’s not as bad as it used to be, I don’t want to live with my past chasing me constantly and bringing harm to my future.
I have no motivation or drive, what is wrong with me?
I feel like I’m not in my own body, who is this? why do they look like this? why are they like this? do they have no self-control?
I’m so disgusted by the way you act. it’s disgusting, I want it gone, I want to set it on fire, I want to watch it get shot multiple times, I want to see all of its body parts and organs fall out of place and fed back into its mouth.
why would I wish that upon myself that’s not normal?
then tell me what is normal? what is the norm?
I don’t know, but it’s anything but that.
dear self, I hate you, please die.
dear self, I don’t want you to suffer anymore, you don’t deserve to live like this, please die
those are my only choice.
4 comments
I think we all go through bouts of self-hatred. We’re human which means we’re flawed. We don’t know everything so sometimes we make dumb decisions. Some of those decisions can have negative consequence so we hate ourselves for it.
Take me for example, I’ve come close to living the life I always wanted. I knew about Bitcoin when they were worth pennies and I could’ve invested but foolishly didn’t. I would’ve been well off if I did.
I’ve met a number of girls who I’d consider 10’s but didn’t have the courage to ask them out though I felt we had a good connection. I ended up regretting my failures for the rest of my life. What’s worse is that I ended up dating or going after girls who I should’ve just avoided.
I’m just scratching the surface. At times I felt like you, that it’s just better if I had died instead. In a way it’s worse to know that I could’ve had an amazing life, if not for my cowardice and dumb choices.
I keep going on because I have hope that I can still turn things around and I’m giving myself ten more years and if I’m still not where I want to be then I will accept that this is my fate in life and it cannot be changed and then ‘check out.’
So you’re not alone-but the main thing is to channel that ‘self-hate energy’ into something productive and useful. And if you succeed you’ll thank yourself for your effort. If not at least you can say you tried.
but I do not have the motivation to do so.
I genuinely have no confidence or drive to do anything no matter how much I am aware of what the consequences will be.
my disgusting body won’t listen to me.
I can’t control the way I think or what I do, as stupid as it sounds, it’s also true.
MH, if you have a medical condition then it’s understandable.
If you are able-bodied, then it’s psychological and that can be a powerful drive also, but in most cases it can be overcome.
Controlling one’s thoughts takes self discipline. I’ve been able to sleep well most of the time but sometimes I think of past mistakes or when people have done me wrong and how I hate them for it-which has kept me awake and angry.
So I do things to ‘clear my head’ like watch movies and focus on other things, then I’m able to sleep properly again. Just using that as an example to show what can be done if you feel you’re limiting yourself. Certainly we don’t have total control over our thoughts and emotions but we need to be more proactive about it.
We all live and eventually die. I’d prefer to do that at a time of my own choosing. If my life becomes an intolerable hell-hole for any reason then I will find a way to end it and there are means that work well.
This ofc is everyone’s own personal decision. What I always advise to others is to keep yourself as healthy as you can mentally and physically regardless of what you decide to do.
Because if you end up incapacitated, people will extend your misery for years by hooking you up to machines or putting you in psych-wards and then you have lost control over the option to end your life at a time of your choosing.
Some lives are just not worth living. If one is homeless, facing terminal illness, or lost all their friends/family/spouse, their job, etc., then imo there is just no logical reason to keep living.
For those who are healthy and enjoy life but experienced a bad luck streak, then it might be worth struggling for a few more years because things can improve with hard work. For me I’m ok so that’s why I keep going on, for now.
I’ve seen a few pics of people who’ve ended their lives, it’s never pretty and it’s sad…at the same time I know whoever that person was, they were certainly glad that their misery/suffering finally came to an end. Thankfully we are finite beings.
I know it’ll be similar in my case the day I do the same…but ofc I’d do it only when I felt life was no longer worth living and I’m targeting age 60 or so. If I’m not living the life I want by then, then I’ll pull the plug since all I’d have to look forward to is senility, old age, health issues, slow deterioration, loneliness, etc.
Last point, the worst thing one could do is to persist in a state where they are suffering on a daily basis with no end in sight, that’s no life, that’s just self-torture. For me if I’m not moving forward, improving my life then it’s like watching a terrible movie or show, just end it/turn it off. Same goes for a bad existence.
It’s not in our human nature to take one’s life. We stop are selfs because, are survival instincts kick in. To me I truly believe it takes Pure Honor to pardon ones existence in a world of endless possibilities.