I sit here, most of the day, thinking, trying to raise the will power to do anything at all.
Some ideas of mine seem rather harmful, likely to bring me more pain in time. One of them is smoking cannabis, my dependence on it has expanded past where I am okay with. The big granddaddy of them all is alcohol. I used to be a casual rare user of it, but in these past few months, I’ve found comfort in it more than once. It killed my grandfather. It’s killed many more.
So I end up getting up ready to make a drink, and thinking to myself; “what if I become dependent, what if an external force comes to take the alcohol away?” and then I don’t drink, apart from of my own misery.
The only kind things in this world are poisons. Our choice is to die slow or die fast, and our culture tries to force us into the slow path.
The power company came through and killed three of my trees. I have a few dozen, but these were trees I had worked hard to get established, strategically placed to provide shade and a wind break in the summer. Outside, they mulch my hard work away… it really is all pointless.
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Ok. So, this post couldn’t have come at a more apropos time. Today, I finally gave in to the one thing I swore I’d never do. I drank to stop pain. It was stupid, really. I’m a light weight now, but used to really party hard with alcohol, and after a shot of vodka and a beer, I was dancing. I was literally dancing, I turned on some depressing as fuck music and danced around and thought, yeah, this is how to be happy again. My husband has it right. My dad had it right. My ex-best buddies had it right. One of them is dead now, lucky him.
It’s been two hours since my little attempt at happiness and I sit here now with a mild throbbing head and came here to see what’s up.
And holy fucking Jesus! I said almost the same exact thing, to myself, because there’s no one to talk to, that either I can die a quick death or a slow death. Dealers choice. A slow death only prolongs the misery.
Anyway, thank you for writing this. Your name is amazing. I’m a Viking soul, too.
That happens to me a lot. a lil stab at happiness and then i sit there with a mildly throbbing head wondering why nothing changed. The lesson I take from it is change comes primarily from within. Sure, happiness is a lot easier on the beach than in a parking lot, but there’s an effort that’s gotta come from within too. And making that effort did change things for me. Hopefully it will again.
Your phrase hit me so hard. We can either die slow or long. Im reminded of the phrase get busy living or get busy dying. But the problem is, i am never really living, just existing. I drink my problems away, and lately i have been cycling. See I like to drink out with others so I tend to embaress myself most of the time. I can’t drink alone or I might not make it through the night
tonight, lost the war, made an old fashioned, which for the uninitiated is a whiskey coke, I like mine with a bit of ameretto. I seem to be collecting stupid phrases about drinking. Back when I drank beer, I was fond of the old ad slogan for Colt 45; “works every time.” Ambigious, overpromising, brilliant, just why any of us drink.
Now as I sit here with my old fashioned, I am reminded of a joke from It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World. Alcoholic plane owner, goes up in the air with Mickey Rooney and Buddy Hackett. When they finally get in the air, the alcoholic insists on making them some old fashioneds. Buddy Hackett says; “What if something happens?”
To which the alcoholic says; “What could happen to an old fashioned?!”
I often misquote it as “What could go wrong with an old fashioned?” Much less, I assure you, than has already gone wrong. The world is a whirlpool of impending doom, why not ride the waves floating on the wreckage, toasting our impending doom? Isn’t that the decent and respectful thing to do?
God gave us alcohol because he knew he did a half assed job with creation, and he wanted us to end a day happy, every now and then anyway.
the trees. That hits home. There was a row of trees across the street, older than me, 60ft high. Last year in a wind storm one branch hit a power line and briefly smoldered before going out. Next day the power company hacked down the entire row of 12 trees. Hell with it all man. Everythings pointless disposable. I used to be against drugs and alcohol but now I say bottoms up. Anything to dull the pain, even if it makes it worse. Not like anything matters.
Alcohol took me down the depressive mode. I was dependent (I say this while having a few q malt beverages). I’ve found I don’t have an alcohol problem. I just have an addictive personality. I take a ton of rx’s and dabble in different chemical mood enhancers. I’m a big fan of the motto “modern chemistry makes life better”. You’ve got to find the chemicals available that you can control your mood as you wish. I was terribly depressed for 20 years then I decided to replace alcohol with other self- medicating techniques. I’m actually a happy addict. Though I’ve suffered many traumatic experiences in my life, resulting in PTSD, bipolar and psychosis, I’ve managed to reach the other side using the miracles of modern chemistry. It took decades of research and self experimentation, but in the end I replaced depression with an inner peace. Now mind you if I didn’t have access to my mind- numbing molecules I would go mad. I hope this finds you in a better mood than you have been experiencing. Regards.