Peaks & Valleys

I went to sleep somewhat calm about the situation and woke up anxious. It’s this constant back and forth of being calm and being anxious that’s starting to grind on me right now. I’m not sure if I’m grateful for those momentary moments of calm or resentful. Being anxious all the time would be awful, but having that calm ripped away from you to go back to the worry and fear feels also terrible. It’s like a man dying of thirst that is then periodically offered a tiny sip of water and no more. Was he better off continuing to suffer and then eventually die, or is it better to keep him going with brief moments of relief but still not enough to relieve the suffering completely? I don’t know. I just know that these next few months will be hell. And then the next two years of graduate school will be hell. And then having a career will be hell. I’m often told that things only get tougher as they go, so I fail to see why anything is really worth it.