misdiagnosis/it’s finally time

I haven’t been on this site for a while. It’s always been a lot people younger than me. I’m 46 and I’ve stuck it out even though I’ve had suicidal ideation since I was 16. I’m 46 now and I’m pretty confident this is my end.

I have been being treated for bipolar disorder on and off for a decade. None of the meds ever worked. At all. Now I know it’s because I have borderline personality disorder and not bipolar. It’s a little too late. I have already lost everything. I used to practice medicine. Btw, I grew up dirt poor and had horrible abusive parents–in case someone who reads this wants to dismiss me as ‘other’. I’m not sad that I stuck it out for 30 years. I feel like I can go in peace now. Because I really tried. My advice to anyone thinking of suicide is to be crazy and have adventures first. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. People don’t think about us as much as we imagine. That stuff’s not important. I’m thankful that I ran up credit cards traveling the world. I’m thankful that I was a slu+ after having my heart destroyed. Because I knew people and I loved people (even if they did not love me, or I lack the ability to believe they did) and I pushed myself. As hard and as far as I could. I’ve jumped out of an airplane and off the Stratosphere. I’ve driven cross country, camped during a meteor shower, fell in love with Japan. I’ve done so many things and I NEVER imagined I would live this long. Tomorrow I will be gone. But I send my love and hope to everyone on this site. I hope you all keep on for one more day. There is freedom in wanting to die. If today was your last day, what would you do? Do it. Do something beautiful and wild and free before you go. Do that again tomorrow and the next day. Until you reach the end.

xoxo

I don’t know you, but I swear I love you anyway