Why does everything have to hurt so much? Why can’t anything good be true? Why can’t love exist for people like me? Why are only the nightmares real? I saw a quote today: happiness is a private club that won’t let me enter. If there is a God then I pray for the courage to go through with the suicide plan I have arranged. Spare me the constant humiliation and at least let me die with an ounce of dignity left.
Hey guys, I haven’t been on in a long time but I found something I think anyone on here would like. I’m suicidal and promise I am not trying to talk anyone into or out of any decision. I found this great video online that made me feel so much better that I cried. It’s not pro or con. Some people might watch it and decide it makes them more comfortable with committing suicide and some people may find it changes their mind. It’s worth watching even if you just know someone suicidal or who has passed from suicide. I don’t know how to post a link so I will just tell you how to find it. Type afterlifeTV and suicide into either YouTube or google and watch. The guys name is Bob Olsen. Please watch the whole thing before passing judgement. Enjoy.
I have been giving things a lot of thought. I’m ready to go now. I have a good method in my hands. I’ve lived a pretty full life. I fought hard for many many years. When I was younger and suicidal I pushed myself. I thought if you are going to kill yourself anyway why not be reckless and have some adventures? I travelled around the world, jumped out of airplanes, took many lovers. I did my best to educate myself, on my own and alone. I did my best to live life to the fullest I could, alone. I took every risk and did my best to feel and taste everything life had to offer. I’m 40 now. Soon I’ll be 41. The one thing I could never accomplish, my own personal holy grail, was having any kind of family. Never had one, never will. I don’t want to get any older. All my favorite stories, books and films, all end with the same happily ever after. Marriage, children, family. Believe me I have tried for this but I have always failed. Now I’m old and due to bad circumstances,I am broke. I am still alone and I know I am too old to have the things I’ve truly longed for. So soon I will be checking out for good. My time is up. I was scared at first but I’m not anymore. I will leave this world the same way I jumped out of that airplane and the same way I quit all my psych meds against medical advice. I will leap and I won’t look back because I am the one who gets to decide and I am prepared to deal with whatever comes next. I just want to say to all the very young people on this site, don’t be so quick to give up. High school was the most painful years of my life because of my parents. Once I went to college things got a lot better. Once you turn 18, things are in your hands. If you are in your teens or 20’s please hang on a little longer. Live a little. Be reckless and crazy. Once you hit 18, there is no one to stop you. There is a lot to see in this world. Some of it is ghastly ugly and some of it is beautiful and will still break your heart. At least try a little. Much love and best to you all.
i haven’t been on this website for a long time. I used to spend hours a day here. Right now i really need to express myself and there’s no one I can tell. I know we can’t discuss methods but suffice it to say that I have two bottles of a perfect lethal drug in my possession after years of searching for a good method. All I have to do is drink them and within a half hour I will sleep and never wake up again. I have wanted this for so long and plan to do it this weekend but why am I suddenly afraid? I guess I’m scared of the unknown. Scared I will be born again in an even worse situation. What do you guys think happens once we die? I used to feel so sure that the afterlife would be better and I figured if I just slept for eternity that would be ok with me too. But now I feel like I have become such a horrible person, so disconnected from faith and God, what if something bad is waiting for me on the other side. Any thoughts?
I am a waste of life. I am oh so tired. I’ve been away for a while but now I’m back. This weekend my flame will finally burn out for good.
I’ve been away from sp bc I was staying with family to help my mom who was here (NY) from Florida. I got home yesterday and I haven’t moved from my couch since except for the bathroom. I haven’t showered, eaten, unpacked my bags or done anything. I’m starving but I don’t care. I don’t even have the will to get up and eat. I see no point to doing a damn thing. I wonder how long it would take for me to starve to death. Probably too long. I’m just lying here staring at the wall. I feel paralyzed by hopelessness. How does one snap out of such a state? Has any one ever felt this way? I wish I could get up and be normal.
When I got laid off in January I quit all my psych meds except for occasional Xanax for job interviews. I thought I was finally helping myself after years of being a zombie. I was proud of myself and thought the hardest part was over. Wrong. I saw my shrink yesterday and told her I still suffer from extreme nausea and only Xanax and getting drunk makes it go away. She pointed out that my hands were also shaking. She then pointed out the obvious that I have been in denial of. I’m an alcoholic and when my body isn’t drunk or medicated I now get physically ill. So today starts day one of my sobriety. Another uphill battle for me to fight just when I thought the worst fighting was over. I really don’t know how to face the empty void that is my life sober. My life is a wasteland and I have no reasons to live never mind struggle with this one. I wish to God I had a better method so I could escape. I’m scared, lonely, afraid, nauseous. Well I’ll stop rambling now. I had to type this twice because the first version got deleted and now I am tired. I hope everyone out there in SP land has a good day. I’m thankful that this sight exists so at least we have a place to express our fears.
So I was watching this show called “Long Island Medium”. It’s a reality show about a psychic medium who helps people talk to their deceased loved ones. I watch it because it reassures me that there is life after death. Tonight I found myself getting angry and resentful. All these people mourning their precious dead. “I was Daddy’s little girl” or “my mom was my best friend”. I felt like smashing the tv thinking “poor thing, your parents (or whoever) actually loved you.” I felt no compassion for these sobbing people at all. I used to be a compassionate person but I have officially become a cold hearted evil *****. I don’t know when I became this terrible person. Just one more reason I should die. I am ashamed of the person I have become.
It’s Easter Sunday and all I can think is that my life could not possibly be more hopeless. I am 40 yrs old and I have accepted the fact that I will never have a husband, never have children. I haven’t been able to find a job. I’m stressing out about the 2 job interviews I have tomorrow. Everyone else I know is celebrating today with their families and I am laying in bed all alone unable to move. All I want is peace. If I fail to find a job again this week I think I will finally try to end my life. I don’t want to do this any more. I feel such longing. I used to be so religious. I feel like I’m reaching out for a God that I can’t find. Every thing hurts. Thinking hurts. I have no one IRL that I can talk to about this as they are all busy living normal happy lives. I don’t know how I ended up here but I long for it to stop. Thanks for letting me rant. I’m so lonely.
I read almost every post on SP but I rarely ever post. I take comfort in all of your words and witty banter. I feel like a stalker, lol. Thank you guys, for what it’s worth. I guess I just need to vent today because I feel so lost and alone. I have suffered with suicidal ideation on and off for most of my life. Came close twice but failed. I’m 40 now. No husband, no children, no boyfriend, no job. In January I was laid off and I decided to be strong and try to make big changes in my life and the depression and suicidal thoughts went away but it’s been an uphill battle and I don’t know how much more of a beating I can take. I quit all my meds (abilify, lithium, seroquel) because I was a zombie and the lithium gave me tremors (very bad in my line of work). Also I used to take great comfort in writing but couldn’t do it on the meds. Anyway, since quitting my meds I’m nauseous a lot and suffer from anxiety. I am trying to start a new career but I keep blowing it at interviews due to feeling sick and anxious. I took a Xanax today which is the only reason I am even able to write this. I have two big interviews next week and I’m praying I don’t fuck up. I really need a job. I used to want to kill myself because I felt like a failure for not marrying and having kids, and I felt like I had no reason to go on living. Also afraid of growing old alone with no 401k etc. I relate to everyone on here because I’ve been through too much to write here. Now I want to die to keep from being homeless. I know I am rambling. Sorry for that. Even if no one reads this at least I got it off my chest. To anyone reading, thanks for listening to my boring ramble.
Lately I’ve tried to respond to posts here on SP and for some reason they don’t show up. Wtf? Even SP is rejecting me. I am at the end of my rope. I’m unemployed and can’t find a job and I’m going to run out of money soon. I’m scared and alone and freaking out. I just want to sleep forever and not have to deal with this nightmare called life. I wish I could find the strength to over come my fear of failing at my suicide attempt. The method I have access to takes about 24 hours and I’m scared of getting found too soon and of the suffering before death. I just wish I could find a job and be able to support myself again. I also wish I wasn’t so alone in life. It should be easier to die but it’s not. Sorry I just needed to rant. Maybe if I continue to feel this way I will find the courage to end it.
“If you die you’re completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on. I’m not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I’ve got.”
It’s just passed noon here and I’m already drunk. I need to write because I’m struggling alone here. I quit all my psych meds and I’m going through some bad shit. I have to stay strong though. Being on meds made me fat and stupid and lazy. I’m tired of living in a fog. I recently read Anatomy of an Epidemic and it’s about how mental illness has gone out of control since the advent of modern psychotropic medication. Big pharmacy companies are full of shit and for most people these drugs do much more harm than good. I recommend anyone suffering on meds read it. I just want my old self back. I don’t know how I’m going to do it but I’m determined to make it. I am thankful for this website and wish everyone reading this good luck with their struggles. We have to have hope that things can get better. I have suffered with depression since early childhood and was very suicidal as a teenager. But things got better once I went to college. I’m thankful for the ups and downs I lived through in my 20’s and 30’s so to all you still in high school and college, please keep on going. I haven’t been happy since I’ve been on meds, just numb. I’m hoping that if I can get my body clean and can have a few more good times before I go.
I’ve been reading people’s posts here for about a year and it has helped keep me going. (Thank you all.) I never commented or posted but now I think I’m nearing the end and want to get more involved. I have hit rock bottom. It’s a long story but I lost my job and then I decided to quit all my meds last week because I’m tired of living in a fog. I currently feel incapacitated and I don’t know how I will go on. I live alone and I will run out of money soon. I have enough of a lethal drug to kill myself but it will take 24 hours to die and I’m scared. Does any one have any positive stories about getting off psych meds? I could use some hope. I’m hanging by a thread.
I am 39 years old and I have never been married or had children. I have a job that causes me to have extreme anxiety (I take Xanax, amongst other things) and I dread going there every day. I can’t quit because I need the money to support myself. I feel like life has absolutely no meaning or purpose. It is just emptiness and suffering. I feel so alone and I’m terrified of getting any older. I have researched suicide and I have a plan and all the drugs I need. The only thing I lack is courage because I know it will be a slow death and I’m scared of suffering. It’s impossible to get a gun in NY, if only it were that easy. So until I get the courage I guess I will go on suffering. Is there anyone out there that can relate? I feel so alone in this.