Trying to get my feet back under me. Really, trying. Met the new therapist earlier in the week… didn’t even think about that saying all that, telling my story would open all of those wounds. Didn’t worry about the damage, I was floating, and now I’m not.
Every time I try to express confidence, it feels like I’m lying. Like everyone can see me lying, and they just love to see me dig my own hole.
I’m working on this stupid project, trying to wrap my head around some complex math, and that feels like a lie too.
My new therapist said “it sounds like you’ve been kicked in the teeth once too often, and you aren’t eager to get back in the fight.” How frustrating, she can express my emotion, and I’m just here, grasping, not wanting to confess how weak and pointless I feel.
OH WELL! It’s too bad, I really would love to have good news, but these days we’ve run out. Oh well, ho hum, so it goes. Another day, another attack against myself, because I’m the closest thing to an abuser I’ve got. I get that other people want better from me, but I… don’t have it. God, I just want someone to blame, someone else who’s fault it could be. This weight is killing me. I can’t keep up appearances anymore, pretend to believe in myself when my eyes have seen me fail once too often.
Oh well, another day gone, another day closer to death. Once again, reuniting with the void is the most comforting thought I have. The void fails everyone, it’s a void, must be such a liberating way to be. Being something is some kind of weird meglomania that we have as people in an individualistic society. We don’t HAVE TO be any more significant than any other animal. I’m watching the birds lately, thinking “Do they know how small they are? Does it bother them?”
talk about short pointless lives, birds spend most of theirs flying around, having sex, pooping and eating. Then if they are successful they procreate before being eaten by something bigger. talk about bleak, I suppose that’s why they don’t have much of a frontal lobe, because minus that you aren’t self aware. Maybe the historic notion of lobotomy is kinder, kinder than making people come to terms with existing.
I might try and track down electroshock therapy, apparently it comes with forgetfulness, I could do with some of that.
2 comments
I feel like that too. I lie and put on this false confidence. I feel like people see right through me. I feel so small. I overanalyze every single thing I do and say. I can’t get my failures out of my head. Today was a lot of that. Too much. I’ve got to learn to forgive myself and move on when it really matters.
Honestly I wish people were more like animals. Fuck the European social structure of capitalism, private ownership, and government. The native Americans had it right. Eat, fuck, sleep. No money, no jobs.
Same as you the void calls me, seems like everyone believes in me but myself, and I don’t want to see a therapist cause I’m sick of using up my parents money, just to talk to someone ill probably lie to, or just disregard their advice if I’ve deemed them “stupid”
“You’re smart”
“You’re funny”
“If you just try”
If self esteem is as simple as changing your mind then there’s no difference between bravado and self hatred. So trying to switch between them really IS a lie
Imposter syndrome. I dont believe a word. They’re lying, snickering to themselves, trying to trick me into believing just so they can tear the rug out for the nth time.
I dont have it