Tired of talking

I am so tired of managing symptoms, talking to therapists, restraining urges, surviving, getting by, never living as more than that for more than a second. I don’t get anything from therapy anymore. Talking doesn’t make it any easier. That’s why I’m posting here, I just want to get it out, not to be listened to.

I need to stop for a moment. I need to lie down and hibernate or stop existing just for a break. I’m so tired of management and the dry, crushing boredom of ‘recovery’.

Life feels like an endless loop of cleaning up one problem after another and nothing but numbness in between. There are good days of course, moment’s I enjoy. Regardless of that, it always comes back to this unshakable feeling. I have a bone-deep feeling of existential discomfort towards being alive. I couldn’t even pinpoint it if I wanted to there’s just something about living that feels like it needs to be avoided. It has nothing to do with pain or suffering, that’s a different type of suicidal, this is just a deep-seated need to stop existing. Having a physical body, being biological, disgusts me. Something about it just feels so wrong.

Even after all the work I do it comes back to this feeling. I don’t know what it is or why it happens but I never feel comfortable with existence, regardless of emotion or context.