That date might not mean much to you, it’s just like easter sunday or monday or whatever, to you. To me, that’s going to be the date on my grave; May 1994 – April 2009. I’m doing it then, simply because that’s when I’m guarenteed no one [my grandparents, my brothers] is going to walk in and somehow manage to prolong this. Somehow manage to like, spring me back to life and race me to the hospital so they can “save” me while still conveniently managing to give me amnesia or something so I forget that I’m supposed to DIE.
Also, they’ve told me they’re sending me to theropy. Because I need help. Because there’s something wrong with me.
It makes no sense, they tell me I’m a sociopath, that I have anxiety, severe depression, ADD, bipolar and tons of other bull like that [I have no idea what half of those even mean, but according to them, I’ve got it. Among other things I can’t remember how to pronounce, so am not even going to attempt to write out]. They think I’m going to like freak out [“snap”, in their words…] and kill them all. I mean, yeah, I’ve thought of it, but I’m not getting locked up for actually doing it. They’re just jumping to conclusions. And my only problem isn’t even going to be a problem much longer, I have the soloution; hence, no problem. What’s the point in getting “help”, if they’re going to tell me to NOT kill myself? They just lie and lie and lie, all of them. Always, about everything. And, once I’m dead, they won’t have to deal with me anymore. So ,really, they should thank me. My grandparents have made it quite clear the burden I am to them, seeing as what grandparents, whom have just gotten rid of their children, want to suddenly inherit a teenager with all of my “issues”? Exactly. My grandmother’s afraid of me, and my grandfather takes every opportunity to yell and scream and remind me how much I fail at everything and that I need to try harder and make something of myself. He doesn’t seem to have gotten it through his head that since I was 11 I’ve known I’m never making it to my 18th birthday, so why even bother. There’s no point.
He tells me how I “make it so hard for him to love me” and whatnot, and they make me hug them after they scream at me, trying in vain to make me cry or, like, show some kind of emotion. I don’t cry. Or they just want to witness the hyperventilating that always follows when they start screaming like that. Really, how is it fair when you get yelled and screamed at to no end, then you have to hug the person that was just yelling at you, and tell them you love them. Then, add in the fact that I don’t know what love is.
 Is it, like, when you would die for them or would just be really sad if they died, or you couldn’t kill them? Because, in all honesty, I can’t think of one person off the top of my head I’d really care if they died, I’d probably be kinda jealous, actually. And I really just want to burn the house down with them inside, and throw my mother inside as well, just for good measure. So, if that’s all love is, then, yeah they’ve been making me lie. I’ve never felt it, never mind to them.
It’s funny actually, they’ve “diagnosed” me with everything except being suicidal. I find that absolutely hysterical. They completely dance around the fact that I hate my life and wish every night I wouldn’t wake to see the next day, or would trip in front of a bus on the way to school or something. Or anything.
Well, that’s good for me. They might have thought of theropy earlier if I’d let on what was really going on. Another thing they fail to realize, when they call me a sociopath, which I just looked up, they’re wrong. I think. I mean, I just don’t talk about how I feel, or let myself feel…what I should feel or something. I guess. I don’t know. Whatever, confusing thoughts.
Oh, man, I didn’t know I could draw this out for that long. It’s really kinda pointless, even after I deleted a ton of it. Huh.
Well, if you got all the way to the end, hats off to you. I’m sure the vast majority, if they even started to read it, got to the first few sentences and were like, “Wow, I’d really rather swallow razors then read anymore of this. Pathetic.” Then quickly skipped along, shaking their head. I really only did this for me, to see it or something…I dunno…
Ah, well. April 12th. Well…maybe sooner, if I can get them outta the house. I hope sooner.
——————Jasmine
11 comments
April 12th wont just be a regular day for me this year. If i make it that far myself, when that day comes around, ill be thinking of you and hoping that you can finally escape your suffering. I wish i was brave enough to pick a date and be committed to it. I hope you find peace in whatevers after this nightmare.
Listen to me there is nothing wrong with you! and i know how it feels to get misdiagnosed with every possible thing, that is except the one you really have, and yeah its pretty messed up, you deserve to be mad for that. You may need to be in therapy hell I’m in therapy there’s nothing wrong with it, and if you are there anyway may as well tell them what really wrong, it can be really freeing! Please don’t kill yourself, its such a waste of life, your life, and you deserve to live. I really shouldn’t be talking but yeah, you do deserve to live! And if they think that you are going to flip out and kill someone, well either THEY are crazy, or your therapist isn’t doing their job. Anyway I’m going to tell you something, i have planned my death, my suicide but in moments like those you have to hold on to only little bit of sane part of you left, and i know thats incredibly hard but obviously you’ve done it alright so far. If you ever need to talk to someone around your age you understands I’m here we can talk, right here just keep making comments haha. i know its not that funny but in order to keep going I sometimes have to find humor in things or they will eat you alive. I wish you the best!
helper
I’m doing it tonight. I have to.
I wasn’t going to say this, because…it’s honestly not fair to have other people think of that, to burden them with your life.
But, I’m not telling anyone. I’m not leaving a note. I’m just doing it. Once they’re asleep.
So, I thought I’d say goodbye to someone…
Sorry about that…
Bye…
R.I.P. escapee…..I hope you live a better life somewhere else and end this misery!
Dear Jasmine,
maybe try redirecting your anger. it sounds like your anger is being misdirected straight into you instead of to whom youre really angry at.
sometimes it is good to project outward, with depression it always seems inward.
i swallow feelings and then end up feeling overwhelmed. I’m now 28 and have been dealing with depression since I was about 12.
depression for me is a matter of perspective and trying to ride through the “down” cycles..
also for me I have noticed my depression coinciding with my hormones . . it never really goes away but it definitly gets worse then. things for me did get better when I was able to live more independently.
I always had problems with the way my family chose (or not chose) to deal with my depression also. Some people just cannot understand and I think they are lucky, but also there can be a strong element of denial. I know my mom never wanted to belive that I had problems that ran that deep. Maybe your grandparents feel the same. You are almost an adult. Mentally youre already there.
I have been learning to be responsible for my own happiness and it is helping a lot. I have been learning that I do know how to help myself the best.I know that sounds kind of rudimentery, but it has been helping me.
I hope that you give yourself a chance. That is a personal decision. pls hang in there. you are loved. – liz
If there’s the slighest chance you changed your mind or for any reason are still alive, please please talk to me, or anyone else here. People want to help you.
escapee, hello? I just wanted to add that if you were not as successful as you wanted to be last night, don’t you worry, the nights and days keep on coming, and coming, and coming. You will always have more opportunities. I hear it is like getting off drugs, the longer you wait the more successful you will be. So, don’t worry, this will not last forever. You will eventually find a way out. I would like to know if you are still here. It seems we walk the same paths, maybe have seen the same kind of ridiculous doctors. The same “issues”. For the record, psychos and sociopaths never want to kill themselves. Hope your still here, I find your story captivating. Not enough to stay alive forever either, but I would like to hear from you today.
No, if you are still alive to read this, your life is not a burden! its a gift, i hope an pray you realize that.
This makes me so sad, to see that others feel the heavy burden of life as well. I’m so sorry, for all of us!!!
Hello,
I simply want to relay a few personal experiences to you,
When i was going through grade school and high school i was told i would also snap and land up killing off the school, the problem with most people that we talk to ether by force or by choice is that they do not want to actually listen to the point you are trying to relay. Most just want to list some unpronounceable word for what they “In there expert opinion” are and hand u some sort of magical take this and the world will be shiting rainbows. Truth is people like us are able to logically think beyond what the pills , the fake smile that they place on our faces. As per the current living situation all i can offer is some personal experience, when i was in high school my freshman year my parents kicked my out of my house they didnt want me. But one of the things i found to amuse my self is to show them that i didnt need them that i could manage on my own and still make it in life. One of the things i can suggest looking in to if your home life is one of the bigger issues is looking in to emancipating your self. This would allow you to leave with out someone being able to tell you no u have to go back. I can’t say that your reasons are unjustifiable for wanting the end to come but i do want to offer one last thing, Save your self as allowing others to push you to this state is not only unfair to you but can be solved in a way that they can do you no harm and still allow you to live. If by chance you do read this and want to further talk simply leave another comment in the post as i will continue to keep a eye on it and hope that someone who has been in close to the same shoes as you can offer you some light in a sea of darkness.
R.I.P