damn

if my sister wasnt home id do it tonight. they’re going to hawaii next month and i hope to do it then. im a lost cause. im even more determined not to fail because im never going to allow myself to be hospitalized again. if i cant be happy even after trying to get help im not putting in any more effort. my family speaks about my problems behind my back but won’t even acknowledge my feelings, im losing my damn mind. i heard them saying something about her calling the cops on me and something happend where my dad was trying to convince my mom to call the cops on her. i head my dad talking to my selfish allof brother about how he didnt know the neighbors were talking about me and that hes heard them talking crap specifically about me for years. i dont skip my meds and i dont believe i was hallucinating again. something really happened the last time i tried to kill myself and it wasnt all in my head after all. the woman in question finally confirmed alot of things that spooked the hell out of me but she couldnt even reach out to me when i was so close to death. i trusted her with my hidden trauma and also my aspirations…..what she did was sleep with my best friend, fucking stalk me and all i asked was her to be the freind she claimed to be. she rejected a relationship but she freaking did what she did. i gave all i had and now i can’t even allow myself to open up to another woman romantically. everyone hates me. i walked away from my job because i tried to do the right thing and got cussed out for it. my cat who was my best freind got shot my someone in my neighborhood and hes gone. my nephew and nieces are out of the picture because of my abusive brother. i need to do this