I fantasize about forgoing relationships and focusing on my random projects, thats where i feel in my element. It also sounds dangerous, giving that I get that “me vs all of them” mentality when I cut people off. What if I have another psychotic break. Realisticly everyone needs someone to turn to, I just wish I knew how to associate with the right people that won’t lead me down the wrong path.
Just recieved another email rejecting my job application. Fuck me. They rejected my disability claim and told me to go back to the line of work i was fucking horrible at even then before psychosis and strong medications. I cant even face people i used to be closest with, not even my best friend. Seen her at the store and she called my name and i just stood there and dissociated in my deep prison of anxiety. Im fed up with my life, i want to take the $50 im getting soon and buy bottles of whisley and find something to hang myself with!
I take my meds, i dont drink or smoke weed anymore..definitely dont pop percs anymore. My last attempt was close to a year ago. I still feel like shit. Even when i was a zombie on the higher doses of medication i was still doing bad. I try to be a good person and not lash out at anyone but i still have alot of stress i cant unload in any outlet. Soon as i experience something positive my expectations skyrocket and im soon dissapointed rather fucking quickly. I need a job because i got denied disability but i never get accepted for an interview. Was supposed to spend my stimilus check on tools so i could make money selling crafts but my schzoaffective bipolar mood swings bring about my impulsive spending. Wtf
I told you i wasn’t well and was mentally ill. Even after was open to you you still toyed with my head. You gave me this 1000 yard stare like someone thats went through heavy combat. I could of done better without having of met you. Now my view of relationships are skewed and I doubt I’ll be able to begin another one, even with someone that respects my boundaries. You seem to have been leaving me be but for reasons i can’t fathom, I crave you with all my being. I dont know if I’m still in love with you or if you conditioned me to believe so by your transgressions of my privacy. I dont know what else to say…
The anxiety over this extends beyond my mental health and the problems that have arisen due to my psychosis. If i shared my thoughts about this they wouldnt understand because they dont know that way of life, few people have tasted the same poison. Im far removed from the trenches but it stays with you. Theres no va for people like me to make use of. We were bred to kill and be killed by our own.
I was trying to be a better person and from that insecurity I allowed you to manipulate me. Why am I hung up over a woman as bitter and narcissistic as you. You speak alot of sweet things that you know nothing about. You’re a fake imposter.
Not sure if they were real or if I’m hearing voices again. Worried about my ex.
My life is horrible and i cant fix anything
We were both obsessed with each other. I had a psychotic episode and mistakenly fled you. You got married to someone else and im left by myself and on top of losing you i lost my battle with schitzoaffective disorder. I refuse to be one of the homeless people that basicaly live at the psych clinic and sleep on the street with prostitutes and junkies.
Was strongly considering killing myself at the end of the week but my family booked a room at the beach. Maybe ill get bit by a shark or something
I tried i failed at everything. I really cant make it in this world
I wish my bpd ex would talk to me, i miss her
When I was working my siblings mooched off me even tho thry both were out of school and were fully capable of getting a job, for years i provided for them and helped instruct them in getting a job. Now that im disabled they treat me like a burden and refuse to even provide me a meal. Fuck this
I have so much confusion and doubt, its been three years since we’ve spoke in person and i still can’t process what happened, all the letters on reddit that sounded like they were written by you calling on me to kill myself, I dont fucking know how to move on from you, maybe thats why you stalked me in the first place. Fuck!
Of everything. Im tired of the pain, the lies, the contadictions, the fights, my confusing ex im still in love with. Goodbye to schizophrenia, goodbye to generalized anxiety disorder.
I dreamt that i was hanging and the dwellers of hell were clawing at my feet
I want the life i lived before my breakdown. Ive lost so much that ill never get back. I miss my old friends.
My life is bullshit and im ready to hang myself, Don’t think ill ***** out next time.
My doctor told me im only gave a diagonosis of schizophrenia because thought and mood disorders are not an exact science and being labeled as i am they can treat general symptoms. From insight i beilive im autistic with bouts of ptsd induced psychosis. Recently im starting leqn in the opinion that im actually autistic comorbid with schitzoaffective bipolar. Im too beaten down to bring this up at my next appointment and im already on too much medication as it is. To ight im feeling like im ready to end this.