You’ve brought nothing but negativity to my life. I hate that I’m still a mess after all these years. I tried telling my doctor’s what I went thru with you but they think it’s all psychotic delusions. Some of it was but the things you did that led to my psychotic break did actually happen and now I have other people unaware of what was happening tell me stories of you sneaking around following me and gossiping trying to get me railroaded when you were having narcissistic rages. You told Tammy you wanted to literally kill me while begging for my attention at the same time. What in the heck is wrong with you!? I tried saying it plainly that I have issues being close to people due to childhood sexual trauma but you flat out ignored my pleas for space. You didn’t give me no room to breathe yet when I stepped out of my comfort zone you strangled me with your sharp words and silent treatment. I want to die for the fact I can’t get these 9 years back nor can I not stop looking back at every stupid fight or good memory. F-you! I’m not good enough to talk this out with but you still keep tabs and spy on me? Wtf
I can’t live like this. I won’t live like this. I wish I could of been some help to you but I dragged you down with me. Forgive me.
I think you’re done with my bullshit and trauma. I wanted it to be you. Without you I’d rather die. This is of my own making. You thew yourself at me to let me know you were there and I was stuck in a psychotic loop of false victimhood. For that I’m really sorry. You were never a placeholder, I opened up to you because I liked you. I loved you because you were a shining light in the darkness and it felt like you gave me back my humanity. I’m sorry I was scared to talk with you and I regret it every moment. I’ve taken the overbearing feelings of losing you and took it across the country and tried Giving another woman my time but I only want you. Goodbye
The narrative inside my fucked up mind has changed in regards to my ex. I’m in this pit of despair and all I can think about was that she was in this state I now find my place in and I refused to talk to her. Sitting here waiting for her to grab me to the light but i dont think shes going to save me this time. I don’t deserve her but I do deserve this fate. Is the destruction of my soul more painful than the torments of hell.
You were so angry. I didnt even have time to process you were there until i walked back out and you were taking out your rage on your son. Please search for peace within, deep down i know youre a good person…i know it! I dont know what you want from me, do you want to talk this out or do you want to hurt me. I dont want to hurt you. I love you
To pay for my delusions
Its been alot of hard work but its nice to have my old job back.
If i dont get this job tomorrow I’m going to hang myself.
Ill always love you even tho right now im furious. You need to accept qnd love yourself, why cant you see your positive qualitys. Itbreaks my heart to see you struggling.
Reaching my goals doesnt satisfy me anymore, nothing boosts my spirits anymore and i can care less for praise. I feel so lost. I used to be a simple person with simple ideas. The vastness of lifes questions and answers is too much for me. At this point im just wasting other peoples oxygen.
I fantasize about forgoing relationships and focusing on my random projects, thats where i feel in my element. It also sounds dangerous, giving that I get that “me vs all of them” mentality when I cut people off. What if I have another psychotic break. Realisticly everyone needs someone to turn to, I just wish I knew how to associate with the right people that won’t lead me down the wrong path.
Just recieved another email rejecting my job application. Fuck me. They rejected my disability claim and told me to go back to the line of work i was fucking horrible at even then before psychosis and strong medications. I cant even face people i used to be closest with, not even my best friend. Seen her at the store and she called my name and i just stood there and dissociated in my deep prison of anxiety. Im fed up with my life, i want to take the $50 im getting soon and buy bottles of whisley and find something to hang myself with!
I take my meds, i dont drink or smoke weed anymore..definitely dont pop percs anymore. My last attempt was close to a year ago. I still feel like shit. Even when i was a zombie on the higher doses of medication i was still doing bad. I try to be a good person and not lash out at anyone but i still have alot of stress i cant unload in any outlet. Soon as i experience something positive my expectations skyrocket and im soon dissapointed rather fucking quickly. I need a job because i got denied disability but i never get accepted for an interview. Was supposed to spend my stimilus check on tools so i could make money selling crafts but my schzoaffective bipolar mood swings bring about my impulsive spending. Wtf
I told you i wasn’t well and was mentally ill. Even after was open to you you still toyed with my head. You gave me this 1000 yard stare like someone thats went through heavy combat. I could of done better without having of met you. Now my view of relationships are skewed and I doubt I’ll be able to begin another one, even with someone that respects my boundaries. You seem to have been leaving me be but for reasons i can’t fathom, I crave you with all my being. I dont know if I’m still in love with you or if you conditioned me to believe so by your transgressions of my privacy. I dont know what else to say…
The anxiety over this extends beyond my mental health and the problems that have arisen due to my psychosis. If i shared my thoughts about this they wouldnt understand because they dont know that way of life, few people have tasted the same poison. Im far removed from the trenches but it stays with you. Theres no va for people like me to make use of. We were bred to kill and be killed by our own.
I was trying to be a better person and from that insecurity I allowed you to manipulate me. Why am I hung up over a woman as bitter and narcissistic as you. You speak alot of sweet things that you know nothing about. You’re a fake imposter.
Not sure if they were real or if I’m hearing voices again. Worried about my ex.
My life is horrible and i cant fix anything
We were both obsessed with each other. I had a psychotic episode and mistakenly fled you. You got married to someone else and im left by myself and on top of losing you i lost my battle with schitzoaffective disorder. I refuse to be one of the homeless people that basicaly live at the psych clinic and sleep on the street with prostitutes and junkies.
Was strongly considering killing myself at the end of the week but my family booked a room at the beach. Maybe ill get bit by a shark or something