Finally sleepy

I feel bad. But I have a mental list of problems now. The first is not wanting anything. The second is difficulty with sleep. The third is difficulty socializing. The fourth is substance abuse. The last is relationship troubles. I’m suffering today. I don’t know why. I don’t know when I’ll feel truly okay. I haven’t for a while. I live like a child. I accept everything that happens to me. I don’t know, I wish I could be better. I wish things could really always be easy. They usually are for me, because I take them in my stride. There’s pain too, though. I’m not really suicidal at this point in my life. I’d be happy to die accidentally, unplanned, but I’m also happy to be alive, if not awake. I got in my second relationship today. It’s strange. I think more favorably of him all of a sudden, but I’m also tired. And I also feel distance. I’m not being open. I’m not talking about me. Thing is, I don’t want to. In my last relationship, it was an effort not to. But like he said, I have to stop comparing. I don’t feel the need to talk about me to anybody but one person I haven’t known that long. I’m very confused about my feelings for her. I like her both platonically and unplatonically. I deeply like her. This is going to hurt. I’ve never felt this for a girl before.

I also realised that I haven’t in a while considered whether I like a person or not in any way at all. It feels nice doing so. I feel like a person with rights and a personality.