I’m working on getting better. I’m going out often. I comb my hair every day. I cook and clean. I brush and floss. The next step is regular exercise, cutting screen time, managing work deadlines, and working on relationships. I’m tempted to stop taking antidepressants because I feel better, but everything I’ve read about this treatment warns against doing so, so I shan’t. I think I still have months to go. After the realization that the feelings I’ve had my entire life truly are irrational, I’ve been working on rationalizing my thought process. I refuse to let myself remain this way. It is a brand new feeling. Every time I feel the old way, I remind myself that I’m wrong, and go ahead calmly. I’ve never felt this confident before. I’m wrong. Everything is okay. I’m so wrong.
I’m sleeping better, my appetite is regular. I’m more aware of myself because I’m actively working to improve my situation, and I have found several cyclic patterns in my behavior that I’m going to change. I know what’s next, and all the steps I’m going to take in the next three months are loosely connected in my mind. The peak of good feelings with this medication has waned. I feel incapable of movement these days. I want to remain where I am and it’s difficult to change old habits. But new habits come easy now. The meds have made me more consistent in my emotional states, and with more energy in general so I can accomplish a small task every day until it’s routine.
I’ve made two big mistakes in the past week. They’re really fucking me up. But I don’t want to keep beating myself up and spiralling lower back. There’s nothing I can do to change them. I can only mitigate their effects in the future. And that’s what I’m trying to focus on. I’ve faced this before and time healed it.
I’ve been trying to take things easy recently and it’s helped. I’m a big overthinker. A very serious person and a worrier. But it’s really not helpful to be that uptight. I’m trying to let events take their course now. I’m giving myself breathing space. I’m being spontaneous, and doing things I’d never do. Letting things go, forgiving people. Losing myself in my surroundings.
I’ve dipped a little since my initial experience with medication, but I feel more permanent now. It wasn’t temporary, it wasn’t placebo. I am going to be capable of bringing myself back to this place at any point in my life that I might return to this pit. That’s comforting. This is my safety net. I’m more able now than I can ever remember being. It’s my new baseline. No matter how low I sink I can always bring me back to this. And it’s a manageable place to be. I’m glad I did this. I’m glad I live in the 21st century.