I haven’t been sleeping much. I’m in pain again today. The pain won’t let me sleep. My eyes are tired. I need sleep but I can’t get it. I’m afraid today. I don’t know how much hope I really have at the bottom of me. I thought I had a lot but I just owe it to people to live. I know it’s the sleeplessness talking. But sometimes the voice feels real. I always manage to convince myself these stupid transient states are fucking real. And when I’m fighting and aware they’re not? That’s when I know it’s going to get worse. By my immaculate […]
I talked someone out of tears and mutterings of carbon monoxide today. I felt like a fraud. I felt old. He was so swayable. This was a genuine crisis for him. I want my comfort with the idea gone.
This day has been alright. I’m coming out of an emotional development cocoon. I don’t know who I am just yet. I was in pain today. I cried a little. I could cry more if I liked but no energy to. It doesn’t change anything. I watched a smog induced car pile up video. I’m flat. I’m going through a cloudy time. But I don’t care enough […]
I was doing so badly. And then I was doing fine. Today I’m doing…different. It’s a somewhat bad different. I’m afraid. I’m so so tired. I’m ready to make a mistake and exit. Things that once gave me pleasure aren’t anymore. My eyes are itching. The world feels gray and silly and all the people in my life seem untrustworthy. All the good I could see is gone. I’m driving recklessly and seeing but not seeing beauty. I wish I could open my eyes and return to the comfort that was yesterday. Change is hard. But well, I’ve wanted change for a while. So at […]
So today’s better. I’m comfortable. It started off pretty bad but I turned it around. I’m halfway up there with the glory of everything beautiful, but I have a feeling I won’t go all the way. I’m in love with everything again though and it’s really good. I feel so loving towards the things and people outside me. I laughed at an irritable pup. I have a healthy sexuality again. I’m trying to cultivate the joy. Knowing full well I’ll pay but I’m certain I can stay glad a few more days. The sky has been colossally blue. I accepted (in the process of accepting) […]
I have been imagining it. It’s more real to me than ever before. I have a method and a vague plan for how to get there. I don’t think I’ll live to be old. That being said, I’m not ready yet. My affairs aren’t in order. But I took a step today. I found the best life insurance policy I can get covering suicide. An apology to my family. They are going to be pretty wealthy. I have to wait a few years till it will cover suicide, but I have to wait anyway to pay off my loans. I’m going to get rid of […]