Right now I have no relevant news about any of my attempts to have a career again. It might be something, it might not, and there are no indicators right now to make me feel one way or the other. I feel like I’m perpetually holding my breath, and all I want to do is breathe all the way out and in, relax my lungs.
Now for the bad news; my therapist is moving on. I thought about saying retire, and that’s not right, and neither are fired or quitting. He’s got a new baby at home, and he’s taking some time to look after it.
There’s immediate guilt about this hurting. A huge part of that is I would love to have a child, literally the only reason I spent so long trying to make my career work was because I wanted kids…. so I’m jealous, and ashamed of it, which is also appropriate. So what then? If shame is the correct emotion….. and shame triggers depression…… see, this is what is wrong with psychology in these days, it doesn’t get into the actual deep math of philosophy. It’s too idealistic, and I could say a thing or two about what that’s like.
Mostly I feel alone. Another of my friends on here moved on. I have a few people, but that’s the problem that I was raised in a community style family, countless sibling level close friends. Right now, I’m adrift. I finally admitted to most people that I’m pretty much an atheist…. I’m an agnostic in the same way that it is a nice fantasy that ghosts exist. I don’t give it any real respect, it’s just I would love for it to be true, love to be wrong.
The social media I was using is coming apart, lots of people jumping ship.
anyway, only one thing that really helps; THC. I went out today and got more of the tincture which is a non smoking way to indulge. This new mix though, it’s twice as potent, and I’m frankly knocked over from the first tiny dose. God, I guess if I can stay detached, stay juiced up, I could ride this horrible carrousel til doomsday.
Let me ride on the wall of death, one more time
Let me ride on the wall of death, one more time
You can waste your time on the other rides
This is the nearest to being alive, ohhh
let me take my chances on the wall of death
On the wall of death everything is far from me
On the wall of death is the nearest to being free