I’m so tired, I feel like there’s not even a point. I feel empty, and really fucking sad. Today wasnt even that bad. Our church had a xmas play and my sister did well, we had food afterwards. I ate too much. feel shitty for it still, but it is what it is. I feel like I got no break at all when we came home tho because my sister never gave me a break. I wish I had a fucking door to my room. But nobody gives a shit enough to do anything about it. I guess I deserve it somehow or another. Tomorrow is another long day of not speaking for almost 8 hours because I have no one to talk to at school. My one friend dropped out for her mental health and other things. But she’s smart so she’ll do fine. She’s not like me. I can’t do anything right. I don’t really deserve any friends. I don’t deserve to be in a relationship. I wish I could see/be with that person so much. Without them I have nothing. I’m so alone and it hurts. I still think its deserved, an atonement of some sort I suppose, but it still hurts. Is there any hope in this world anyway? What’s the point really?
I feel so exhausted for no reason. I havent been doing anything, my sleep schedule hasnt exactly changed much. I still wake up every few hours. The past week or so has been really bad for it, I’m nearly falling asleep all over the place. And I never have any energy as it is, with or without caffeine. It really sucks. All I ever wanna do is sleep. Sleep away all my worries and new responsibilities, now and upcoming. Sleeping makes them not exist somehow.
I feel like everything in my life is a mess. My room for one – has everyone’s shit in it including my own, and I try to clean “my side” (the side w my bed) but I cant ever put anything anywhere ’cause of everything else. I hate looking at it. I hate that I have no door. My family is messy as it is, I wouldnt call it all dysfunctional, but theres some parts that definitely are in my opinion. My dad is rarely around, and raising 3 kids (again) is clearly difficult on our grandparents, especially with one being special needs. We haven’t been to our mom’s in close to 2 months, for a variety of reasons. I could understand being sick, obviously, but then we just never got back up there. I feel like her/stepdad dont even fucking care. I mean why would they? They’re the ones who sent us down here, whether it be my fault or not. They rarely ever try reaching out either, I’m always the one that has to. I just thought of this a few days ago, how little they care, but it still hurts a lot. I hope my sister never realizes it, brat or not she doesn’t deserve to feel unwanted. Maybe I’m just being an asshole.
Life is so dull and painful, I cant see the point. Would it genuinely matter to just let go of life? What would be effected, really? I don’t know anymore, half the time I feel dead inside anyways, just searching for little bits of life.
2 comments
I honestly never thought I’d be representing this side of the argument, but the world WILL miss out if you’re gone. You have no idea the people you are important to. One part of that is that you’re still growing up, most people do their important work in adulthood.
But even if you flame out, like me, you’ll still matter to people. That you care so much about others is a good thing, and it means they probably know you care about them. They don’t usually know your struggle unless it is spelled out to them by a professional.
On the always feeling tired, me too. Some days it’s all I can do to get out of my chair. The meds help, some. I’m on some pretty heavy stuff for my insomnia, I think that’s part of why I feel tired all the time. It’s also somewhat time of year, winter and depression go together.
Thank you, I appreciate you seem to care enough to reply. I hope you’re right and I do have significance, in other people’s eyes at least. I always try to better my character, to where people caring about me would be justified, but I dont think I do a good job. I think you’re right with things having to be spelled out for people, it’s just hard for me to believe people could be so dense, with or without a professional involved.
Just that time of year I guess, lol.