Tonight is so bad. The presence of the two worst people I know made me feel a bit ill. I am sick of feeling this discomfort in my chest from my ill feelings knowing that there’s nothing wrong with me.
Life has so many things to look forward to, yes.
But people fail to acknowledge that some problems are not temporary. Some things inescapable. I sometimes don’t care that I’ll never be happy again if I die, at least I won’t feel pain at all anymore. It hurts too much that it’s not worth it.
There’s so many things to look forward to but I also don’t care. Crying doesn’t help. Living doesn’t help. Talking to someone about things give temporary comfort but that’s all there is to it.
Taking care of myself is worthless because if I’m healthy I don’t get to live for myself anyway. I wish I could just waste away and drop dead. Like a shocking death where people did not see coming at all because I’m “so healthy”. Yeah, just dropping dead would be nice. I don’t matter to most people anyway.
I know that a long time ago. I never mattered.