I’m still here, after many days and nights of just wanting to end it. I don’t ever try, but the thoughts are so overwhelming. I’m trying to hold on, giving myself things to distract myself from it all: YouTube, music, my art, and now my switch that I got for Christmas. I have 2 games with it, and I’ve almost completed one already. It’s very nostalgic for me and it makes me happy too. It’s a really nice way to escape, like I used to do when I was little all the time. I have music or videos in the background all the time to the point it’s kind of difficult to handle silence, because my head just gets too loud. I still do my art every so often too, sometimes I have to force myself to do it, but I always end up being content or enjoying it. It’s also a way that I vent and has been for a long time. I keep falling out of it though, so I’m trying to get myself back into it more intentionally.
Today I told myself I was going to take a shower, and actually did it. At least I’m cleaner now. I’ve also ate breakfast and I’m going to try to eat lunch somewhat soon. I seen someone on YouTube earlier who was really skinny and had this perfect figure…it made me pretty disappointed in myself. Even if I had enough self-control to stop eating so much, I wouldn’t ever look like she did naturally. I don’t even know how much I weigh right now exactly because I’m too scared to find out. But I guess I need to eat anyway, not to mention I’m also pretty dehydrated. I’m the worst person I know about drinking water honestly.
I’ve been a bit more irritable lately, especially with my family, as I’m around them all the time during breaks. I don’t know why but I just have been. But now I feel pretty shitty about it. They don’t really need me around, all I’m ever going to do is drag them down. Maybe even make them want to die. What a fucking thought. I guess it shouldn’t shock me, but I don’t think I’ve fully accepted how awful I really am. How vile and toxic and gross this thing (me) is. I try so hard. I’m in so much pain and I don’t even have any hope for the world anymore, and I don’t see the point in having hope for myself. I don’t see a point in living this life.
But…I guess I’m still going to try. I still have my partner who I get to talk to everyday, and who I’ll get to see when I graduate, which is something good and something I can look forward to. I can’t see what’s so lovable about me, but I’m grateful for their love for me nonetheless (hopefully this doesn’t sound arrogant or something, that’s not my intent). I hold on mainly, if not all for them, and right now I’m okay with that.
I’m going to try to have at least a fair, if not good day today. Or rest of the day, rather. I’m going to play on my switch, do my art, maybe do something with my family up here at mom’s. I’m going to at least try. I say that all the time anymore but it’s all I feel like I can do anymore. I’m so weak. I need to do better than this. I don’t even know if I can. I don’t know if I should. I really don’t know if I even want to…but I will anyway.
TLDR: not dead but should be? probably won’t be dead anyways.