I’m too overwhelmed with my thoughts and I can’t sleep but I’m so fucking tired. I don’t want to live this life anymore and I really shouldn’t. I’m selfish and try to give myself slack I know I don’t deserve because I’m vile and a fucking failure and disappointment. I don’t deserve love or any kindness and I know that deep down and I know that. I know I should kill myself. I probably make everyone I love want to kill themselves too. I shouldn’t exist. I’m convinced there was some error in making me exist. I’m so awful. I’m this waste of space that no one really wants around and just gets in everyone’s way. Why do I still bother? My death would be beneficial in lots of ways.
- for me, just because I’m so sick of living anyway, and either there’s an afterlife, a heaven of some sort, or just nothing. hell, I guess too, but I think we’re already here
- i wouldn’t be a burden anymore
- someone better than me could be replacement, someone who isn’t just wasting oxygen
- there would be no way that i could further hurt everyone I love and make them want to die, plus it would be one less person to have to worry about or possibly have to pretend to be fine for (of course I don’t want anyone to do that, but i think I’m just so stupid and weak and sensitive and people don’t want to hurt me either)
- is my life really significant in any way? i argue this with myself a lot, like maybe it doesn’t even matter and there’s no benefits or drawbacks either way
I feel like there’s a lot more, but I’m just so tired. Maybe I’m just being a fucking idiot like always. I just wish this pain would stop. Why does it have to creep up on me when everyone’s asleep? Especially the only person I can ever really talk to… not that I have anything sensible to say about anything right now. I feel really fucking miserable right now for no reason. I’m just being weak and not having a good mindset or something or god knows what and I’m too stupid to make myself do it. I’m just so pathetic. Vile is one of my new favorite words to describe myself at the moment. Vile and weak. I think life gives me people to care about me to rub it in my face how fucking horrible I am and how I don’t even deserve them.
I wish I could talk about this shit to someone. I don’t even trust my family anymore. I haven’t for years. My dad’s family don’t even really believe in any kind of mental health like depression, anxiety etc. My mom also seems to think everything is just in my head. I’m just making myself think certain things intentionally, I guess. Which is just awesome. If/when/after I graduate (idk might die or something beforehand lol) I’m moving in with mom because the school I want to go to is like right there and it’s just… a sensible decision I guess. But I’m realizing more and more I probably shouldn’t stay long, I think it may all just get too much. I already feel like it’s too much, I get so much anxiety just thinking about this next phase in my life and I hate it and I don’t want it to come. I can’t just face it and I can’t just face my failures. I’ve already failed enough and I just try to avoid looking at myself as much as possible. There’s not much to look at anyways, and what’s there isn’t really good.
Loneliness is overwhelming right now. I have stuffed animals surrounding me as if I’m a fucking child. When I’m completely honest with myself I know I am, because I’m too weak and pathetic to grow the hell up. I’ve never been good at making friends. Even when I was young. Yeah, I was a bit louder and more obnoxious, I’d talk more, but people didn’t seem to like me much, and the group of friends I hung around with before I started moving everywhere, only used me as the replacement friend or just someone to ***** at for whatever was on their mind at the time or to shit talk other people in the group. As I got older, I moved around so much I didn’t really have time to connect with anyone. I eventually gave up. I moved back to my old school (where I live now) and was with the same old group for the year I first came back, and then just ditched them. No one really protested, haha. I do have one good friend currently, still, but she never comes to school anymore for a multitude of reasons, dropped out and going for her G.E.D. She doesn’t talk very much, and of course I reach out but I’m beginning to think I’m just being a bother to her too. I’m probably being a selfish asshole as always.
I’m really just sick of life right now. 2023 is just bound to throw more shit at the world. People are assholes (not that I’m not exactly excluded) and the world’s collapsing bit by bit every day. Everyone’s just suffering, I mean look at everyone here. Yet I’ve started to like this site quite a bit. Some of the people here are actually pretty nice. It’s refreshing. I wish I had as much strength as some of the people I see here. I mean, sure, I get through shit I guess but does it really count if I’m just too much of a ***** to handle it properly? God I feel like I could fall apart at any moment but literally no one sees it and I think I’m just losing my shit and making it worse than it is.
All I know is that I’m in pain, and also very tired, physically mentally emotionally etc. I just want it to end. To sleep it all away. Unfortunately, that is not the way of the world, that I know of anyway. I’m at a loss of what to do, as of now I can’t talk to anyone about this right now. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if I were to get kicked out again for it (the first time in 2018 I was going to try to end it and was stupid, wrote a note to tell my friends goodbye and it wasn’t their fault etc. although they weren’t really friends either they barely remembered my existence until I was gone, convenient). Now that I’m legally an adult I wouldn’t be surprised if they were to just do it again with no hesitation if it were ever brought up. But it could just be me being paranoid, I don’t know.
It all hurts so much. Please, please make it end. I can’t take this anymore.