- To the outside world, everything seems perfect in my life. I am a guy, 34, have a wonderful wife, parents, and family. We had such nice lives till 2020.. I have a job which pays ok but sucks the life out of me and drains whatever little energy I have. Past few years have been a constant battle from within. I have no will or strength. We were looking to have kids, but went through 2 miscarriages. Drs have now suggested artificial techniques.. I feel horrible to make my wife go through IVF. I want her to be really really happy, but it is so hard. My mother has many health issues and it just gets overwhelming at times. The recent layoffs is also making me anxious, although being let go from this job won’t be the worst thing, I get anxiety and panic attacks thinking about my finances and future. The world is becoming nastier day after day and there is nothing that gives me hope for a better future. Praying helps a bit but it is just for a very short period of time, post which the emptiness, shallow feeling comes back. I feel useless and pathetic as a man to have these feelings. I am in deep shit of a place mentally. Please there be a light at end of this dark dark tunnel.
3 comments
I can relate in some ways, being a guy, being 35, being married to a wonderful woman. 2020 was the high water mark for me as well, it was my last year at university. The plan was grad school but I didn’t get into my first round picks and then the pandemic hit…. I didn’t know how to work up the nerve for round two, so I graduated. Then I went back to work… lasted about eight months, and since then I haven’t been able to put stuff together anymore.
I think men have a lot of pressure to get their identity from their job, but jobs these days suck (on average.) I have friends in your situation, and to be honest I don’t know whether I envy or pity the situation. It can’t be mine, so the envy at least is futile.
I know what it feels like, feeling like the next shoe is going to drop. My advice? make peace with it. Maybe it’ll happen, maybe not, but letting it get your blood pressure up will have negative effects. Stuff happens, and the trick is to roll with it.
We were also thinking about kids….. my health is the one not cooperating there. The medications I’m on…. let’s just say it cuts into my ability to get excited…. in any way.
It’ll come is my perspective. I kinda figure we’ll end up jumping to a surrogate, IVF being so expensive (though I’m aware surrogates aren’t cheap, at least they aren’t doctors). I’m also varyingly okay with adopting…… all of it dreams without anchor these days.
I got into grad school. That’s what I’ve got right now, that and a computer I’m building that is going to be beautiful. Focus on what you’ve got, whatever it is is more than you could have. Everything is only for now, thankfully this crazy economy fits that well. If you really see a high potential to be laid off, start courting other options. If your employer can’t give you any assurance, then you don’t owe them any.
Take care of you, which also means taking care of your wife. If you neglect you, it’s going to hurt your wife. I know the temptation to be strong and muscle through, take it from a guy who has doubtless had more crisis by 35 than most people have by 80; you have limits, and that’s okay. No one will think less of you for needing help, especially in the current situation.
It’s a pride thing as much as a self care thing. We’re conditioned to be self sufficient, but that doesn’t work when external pressures get the way they are. You’re worth looking after, you wouldn’t have great people in your life if you weren’t.
Thanks for this. Appreciate you making an effort to share a long deep and meaningful reply.. I wish you & your family well!
For me, feeling of dread and hopelessness isn’t getting better, and I haven’t really spoken to anyone about this, so getting help is getting tougher. But yeah, will definitely try n address this soon.. I wanna get better.. for my sake and my family’s..
I am sorry you feel this way. I hope you don’t give up on life. I hope you feel better. I hope you seek ways to make yourself feel alive again! I think you are capable of changing your life for the better. You seem to have accomplished other things which I find harder. Like having a wife or holding a job. I think you are doing well, but maybe seek therapy if it is an option. Sometimes an antidepressant or antipsychotic is all it takes.
Hoping for the best,
me