too many things to list. but if i had to pick the 1 biggest deficiency it would be that i dont have, and never had, any sort of fucking guidance. so i had to figure out literally everything by myself, mostly by making bad mistakes. yay for survival skills eh? no it fucking sucks. it fucking sucks to never have an authority figure, a protector, a role model or even 1 damn human on this stinking planet whom you can respect. and as you search higher up on the authority scale, i’m talking about social authority like cops, governments, churches, courts, it gets even more fucked up. in short, every time i look “up” to those who are supposed to be wiser than me, all i see are dipshits and self serving assholes. so yeah thats a pretty big chunk of my life thats an empty hole
i’ve never had any guidance either, but i’m smart enough to know more than most people anyway so “guidance” is useless to me. a protector- that would be nice to have. i’ve never had that either, and it really sucks to know that you’re all alone. if i knew i had someone to protect me, someone i can rely on, or help me in any way, my life would be different. my view of this world would be different.
eternaldarkness, I can relate to your statement of “what if” scenario of having a protector. Yet I’m complex: I agree and disagree. That is, I felt safe at home although I never really felt safe in society—even today as a grown-a man.
but better to have felt SOME kind of safety than none. you have no idea what it does to someone when they’ve never had safety at home- where home WAS the unsafe place. all of us with unsafe homes grow up broken. obviously it’s not good to not feel safe in society either, but i had neither. such is life eh? life either gives you lemons or a case of double lemons.
how come you don’t feel safe in society? in what ways?
It’s not so much a specific thing missing, rather the whole motivation system being fundamentally broken.
I wanted to have an emotionally rewarding career that was also financially rewarding enough to keep my life together. Apparently THAT was too big of an ask.
So my solution; buying my way out, is only there because my initial idea of finding a place to function went belly up.
I’m too sensitive and chronically ill for where I am, literally the culture I live in requires that I get sick less often. I also don’t deal well with blatant ethical violations around me… a few hours too much and I can’t hold a job together. I’m a by the book kind of person, and that personality is in conflict with the world around me.
Even though I can function, it has taken three times as much work for me to get there than is common. As a result, I demand proportional rewards both in financial and in the people I work with. If they can’t deliver that…. well that’s how I got here. Risk needs to be proportional to reward. I spent my good years, my young and healthier years busting my body trying to get ahead. I paid my dues, got good grades, and that was supposed to have some sort of results.
Missing incentives, that’s what it is. Missing incentives that mean something to me, because I’m aware that the incentives available are enough for some people. Some people aren’t bothered when their supervisor steals from coworkers or the company.
That’s another of my issues. I consider myself the moral equal of anyone I ever meet. We might be paid different, but we’re all supposed to be bound by a system of rules and laws…. that’s how I believe it’s supposed to work. It doesn’t, so I’m trying to find somewhere else to be, metaphysically and physically
“Risk needs to be proportional to reward. I spent my good years, my young and healthier years busting my body trying to get ahead. I paid my dues, got good grades, and that was supposed to have some sort of results.”
–>SAME!!!! I worked SO damn hard to try and get ahead in life and make something of myself. In the end, it was foolish and naive of me to think I could get there through hard work and intelligence. Nope. It’s all corruption and ass lickin’ and who you know.
–>So yes, the motivation just isn’t there. How do you get up to fight another day when you’ve no fight left in you? And get up for what? More of the same shit? I totally know what you mean heartless. I was in finance and I up and quit my job, and drove cross country to get the hell away. But there aren’t any other jobs that are fulfilling either so… -_-
eternaldarkness, you mentioned: “…you have no idea what it does to someone when they’ve never had safety at home- where home WAS the unsafe place. “
Yes, you are right that I cannot exactly compare. However, my grandfather’s family faced years of persecution in Eastern Europe before the 1900s. He was one of the lucky ones coming over-by-sea to the States in early 1900 as a baby—EXTREMELY POOR. The rest of the family was wiped out between World Wars I and II. My father was born into poverty immediately after the Great Depression and remained poor until about the 1950s. I was raised on poor man’s working ethic. My aunt yelled at me, after my dad passed, that I had absolutely zero clue of what poverty that my dad’s family endured probably since around the 1700s. I asked why didn’t I know, and she said very sternly that people from that generation never spoke of their poverty. Thus, I’m extremely humbled by my family’s history.
My social anxiety began when I was reading books in the early 1970s about the “recent war” (WWII) and all the atrocities and the Holocaust. My mom hinted, but my family never mentioned about the history of persecution, murder and harassment against religion that my parents suffered in their childhood— the show “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” is a crock o’ shit—the majority of Americans were poor (NOT privileged like she was!!!!) from 1929 until about a wee bit after 1945.
I grew up with one major flaw: as young as I can remember, I saw outside of The Matrix in America. My first exposure to racism, violence, Vietnam War (first war ever on TV broadcast), and religious harassment, I was put down to feel inferior. What an effing shock of reality.
During transition from middle school to high school, my peers became conscious (but not thoughtful) and quite aware of social status and class. Yet, it seemed I was left behind because I’m literally the same person since preschool. Others point out and make you a pariah when you are nonconformist and do not blend in well. This I’m the same; yes of course I’m “all growed up” and more mature, but I’ve very painfully remained true to myself this entire lifetime.
The veteran service-connected disabilities exasperate my living condition in society. It seems like I’ll never fit in well.
I haven’t seen the show “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” but most tv shows and movies do not depict real life- real life is sad and full of misery, and yes, like you said full of poor people. But no one makes shows about poor people, except the ones that glorify rags to riches and bootstrap stories- which deludes Americans into thinking meritocracy exists and that getting out of poverty easily exists, if only you worked hard enough or were talented enough, which is bullshit. There was a time when that existed, from 1945-1980, but those times are gone.
Take a look at just how many movies glorify the times when kings and queens reigned over Europe. The masses were peasants, and the few wealthy, the “nobles” exploited the masses. Yet every single fucking one of those shows glorify the kingdom, glorify the aristocracy, the knights of the round table? pfft. kings who cared about the people and the people loved them. yeah, no. all a lie, all propaganda to brainwash people from revolting and rioting against the wealthy elites. and sadly, it works. people are just too dumb and too ignorant to realize what exactly is going on in America- that the wealthy are squeezing the poor, raiding the coffers, and all the wealth is being transferred upwards.
13 comments
eternaldarkness,
It is quite obvious what’s missing in yours: the other [
too many things to list. but if i had to pick the 1 biggest deficiency it would be that i dont have, and never had, any sort of fucking guidance. so i had to figure out literally everything by myself, mostly by making bad mistakes. yay for survival skills eh? no it fucking sucks. it fucking sucks to never have an authority figure, a protector, a role model or even 1 damn human on this stinking planet whom you can respect. and as you search higher up on the authority scale, i’m talking about social authority like cops, governments, churches, courts, it gets even more fucked up. in short, every time i look “up” to those who are supposed to be wiser than me, all i see are dipshits and self serving assholes. so yeah thats a pretty big chunk of my life thats an empty hole
i’ve never had any guidance either, but i’m smart enough to know more than most people anyway so “guidance” is useless to me. a protector- that would be nice to have. i’ve never had that either, and it really sucks to know that you’re all alone. if i knew i had someone to protect me, someone i can rely on, or help me in any way, my life would be different. my view of this world would be different.
eternaldarkness, I can relate to your statement of “what if” scenario of having a protector. Yet I’m complex: I agree and disagree. That is, I felt safe at home although I never really felt safe in society—even today as a grown-a man.
but better to have felt SOME kind of safety than none. you have no idea what it does to someone when they’ve never had safety at home- where home WAS the unsafe place. all of us with unsafe homes grow up broken. obviously it’s not good to not feel safe in society either, but i had neither. such is life eh? life either gives you lemons or a case of double lemons.
how come you don’t feel safe in society? in what ways?
It’s not so much a specific thing missing, rather the whole motivation system being fundamentally broken.
I wanted to have an emotionally rewarding career that was also financially rewarding enough to keep my life together. Apparently THAT was too big of an ask.
So my solution; buying my way out, is only there because my initial idea of finding a place to function went belly up.
I’m too sensitive and chronically ill for where I am, literally the culture I live in requires that I get sick less often. I also don’t deal well with blatant ethical violations around me… a few hours too much and I can’t hold a job together. I’m a by the book kind of person, and that personality is in conflict with the world around me.
Even though I can function, it has taken three times as much work for me to get there than is common. As a result, I demand proportional rewards both in financial and in the people I work with. If they can’t deliver that…. well that’s how I got here. Risk needs to be proportional to reward. I spent my good years, my young and healthier years busting my body trying to get ahead. I paid my dues, got good grades, and that was supposed to have some sort of results.
Missing incentives, that’s what it is. Missing incentives that mean something to me, because I’m aware that the incentives available are enough for some people. Some people aren’t bothered when their supervisor steals from coworkers or the company.
That’s another of my issues. I consider myself the moral equal of anyone I ever meet. We might be paid different, but we’re all supposed to be bound by a system of rules and laws…. that’s how I believe it’s supposed to work. It doesn’t, so I’m trying to find somewhere else to be, metaphysically and physically
“Risk needs to be proportional to reward. I spent my good years, my young and healthier years busting my body trying to get ahead. I paid my dues, got good grades, and that was supposed to have some sort of results.”
–>SAME!!!! I worked SO damn hard to try and get ahead in life and make something of myself. In the end, it was foolish and naive of me to think I could get there through hard work and intelligence. Nope. It’s all corruption and ass lickin’ and who you know.
–>So yes, the motivation just isn’t there. How do you get up to fight another day when you’ve no fight left in you? And get up for what? More of the same shit? I totally know what you mean heartless. I was in finance and I up and quit my job, and drove cross country to get the hell away. But there aren’t any other jobs that are fulfilling either so… -_-
eternaldarkness, you mentioned: “…you have no idea what it does to someone when they’ve never had safety at home- where home WAS the unsafe place. “
Yes, you are right that I cannot exactly compare. However, my grandfather’s family faced years of persecution in Eastern Europe before the 1900s. He was one of the lucky ones coming over-by-sea to the States in early 1900 as a baby—EXTREMELY POOR. The rest of the family was wiped out between World Wars I and II. My father was born into poverty immediately after the Great Depression and remained poor until about the 1950s. I was raised on poor man’s working ethic. My aunt yelled at me, after my dad passed, that I had absolutely zero clue of what poverty that my dad’s family endured probably since around the 1700s. I asked why didn’t I know, and she said very sternly that people from that generation never spoke of their poverty. Thus, I’m extremely humbled by my family’s history.
My social anxiety began when I was reading books in the early 1970s about the “recent war” (WWII) and all the atrocities and the Holocaust. My mom hinted, but my family never mentioned about the history of persecution, murder and harassment against religion that my parents suffered in their childhood— the show “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” is a crock o’ shit—the majority of Americans were poor (NOT privileged like she was!!!!) from 1929 until about a wee bit after 1945.
I grew up with one major flaw: as young as I can remember, I saw outside of The Matrix in America. My first exposure to racism, violence, Vietnam War (first war ever on TV broadcast), and religious harassment, I was put down to feel inferior. What an effing shock of reality.
During transition from middle school to high school, my peers became conscious (but not thoughtful) and quite aware of social status and class. Yet, it seemed I was left behind because I’m literally the same person since preschool. Others point out and make you a pariah when you are nonconformist and do not blend in well. This I’m the same; yes of course I’m “all growed up” and more mature, but I’ve very painfully remained true to myself this entire lifetime.
The veteran service-connected disabilities exasperate my living condition in society. It seems like I’ll never fit in well.
ah intergenerational poverty, racism, classism. the hallmarks of living in a “civilized” human society.
Well said, my friend.
sorry your life was also shit. hence why we’re all here on SP…
I haven’t seen the show “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” but most tv shows and movies do not depict real life- real life is sad and full of misery, and yes, like you said full of poor people. But no one makes shows about poor people, except the ones that glorify rags to riches and bootstrap stories- which deludes Americans into thinking meritocracy exists and that getting out of poverty easily exists, if only you worked hard enough or were talented enough, which is bullshit. There was a time when that existed, from 1945-1980, but those times are gone.
Take a look at just how many movies glorify the times when kings and queens reigned over Europe. The masses were peasants, and the few wealthy, the “nobles” exploited the masses. Yet every single fucking one of those shows glorify the kingdom, glorify the aristocracy, the knights of the round table? pfft. kings who cared about the people and the people loved them. yeah, no. all a lie, all propaganda to brainwash people from revolting and rioting against the wealthy elites. and sadly, it works. people are just too dumb and too ignorant to realize what exactly is going on in America- that the wealthy are squeezing the poor, raiding the coffers, and all the wealth is being transferred upwards.
eternaldarkness, if I could only supply you with an “ [ “ to make your life complete with happiness.