I was almost discovered today. Mommy almost found out her wonderful son wishes he was dead. Haha it’s ridiculous how close it was. I just happened to put away the blades and then I saw the door unlocking (I hate when she does that without asking). Fumbled with my pants to try to cover it up, but they wouldn’t move fast enough so I just sat down in an awkward little position and grabbed a book to cover it. Now my bed has a rather concentrated blood stain on it, but that should be easy enough to explain away with a murderous cat living with me.
I’m going to a counselor on Thursday. I don’t think I want to. I know I don’t want to. But I probably should, and I made a promise to the most important person that I’d do something, and I’d like to not disappoint her. Two of my close friends have been to psychiatrists or counselors or whatever they’re called (that I know of). One of them for a long time, he’s bipolar and has had a lot of difficulties and issues, but I don’t think he knows that I know about all of, although he probably knows parts of it are out there with our group. The other one has been going for 6 weeks I think, and he said it’s really helped him out a lot. I told him I’m going, and he said that’s good and it’ll probably help. I’m really glad he’s doing better, because I know it hasn’t always been easy for him. I have a ton of respect for him, actually. He’s had a lot of rough family stuff in his life, and it amazes me how positive he can be. It’s great that it’s helped him, but I just don’t know if it’ll be the same for me. I feel like there’s something in my DNA that won’t allow me to feel better, because it’s just the way I am. I see things a certain way, and it doesn’t make me long for life. I guess I’m just really afraid that I’ll go and not get anything from it. It’s terrifying.
3 comments
I hope you open yourself up to the councillor rather than just go out of obligation. You’re going anyway, so you may as well give it a proper shot.
Yeah I know. I meant I’m going to give an honest try at it. I’ve got no desire to prove a point or whatever by going but not really going if you know what I mean.
That’s good. I stupidly resisted therapy for ages because I was arrogant, and I thought I was so smart, what insight could they possibly have that I don’t? Until I grew up and realised that was stupid and I was only hurting myself with my arrogance.
2 things:
1. Talking always makes you feel better (unless you are talking to the wrong person)
2. A different perspective is always valueable.
Don’t expect miracles to happen in the first session. Treat it like a first date – if you don’t like them, keep shopping around, but don’t fall out of the dating game entirely just because one session didn’t give you everything at once. Good luck.