I’m an individual with narcissistic traits and I think about spite-killing myself all the time, but really it’s not about other people – I shouldn’t be here as my coping skills are so low. People have told me ending my life would be a bad decision (for someone with my life), but they don’t know how much I hate a lot of my life. I don’t wish a lot of harm upon myself, but if there were a pill or some easier way, I think I would be very inclined to take it way before my time. I have tried so hard to be grateful my entire life, but being grateful doesn’t stop any misfortune that comes one’s way. Everyone has told me I’m good at looking at the positive (maybe too good), but it hasn’t stopped me from being severely disappointed. Moving forward and getting things done, doesn’t ensure I have control, which is the ultimate thing that makes me happy. My whole life I have been unaccepted or misunderstood and I do not have it in me to be out to get anyone. I myself, want out. I think many others on this site have it worse off than me, that’s just my assumption.
It’s notorious of some covert narcissistic to people or people with cluster b tendencies not to actually follow through with the suicide. That’s why I’ve been ignored. But what people don’t know is that that’s not necessarily true. Stats say there are many attempts and some successes in this demographic.
Oh well. Who knows what I will do? I’m so afraid to go through with it due to the scare of “what if it doesn’t work?” I don’t like hospital procedures. And the process itself isn’t easy to go through with either.
3 comments
Hello. I noticed that it’s your first post. Welcome. It’s possible that some people on here have it worse. It’s also possible the opposite is true. Regardless, you have as much of a right to be here as anyone else. It seems you have a lot of complex thoughts. I’m sorry for any pain you might feel. I hope things get better for you.
Wanted to thank you. The concept of “right” is not something I have understood yet. But I definitely understand for myself that I am in a class of my own. I know that what people are not okay with is subjective, but in the culture, I am causing rancor. That one article I posted on here has a couple of different reasons I mentioned for myself to end my life or at least talk about ending my life. One was chagrin – “incomprehensible to most people.” I feel that on here I am somewhat still out of context. My complex thoughts are due to my hypersensitivity. If you met me IRL, I might be nice, but I also might be the most annoying person you ever met if you tried to understand me.
I wanted to thank you for saying you were sorry regardless of what I was going through, but I can’t really believe you on that. I’m causing a lot of my issues and there is no hope for me unless I created that hope. The perceived difference between myself and others on here is that they are going through significant environmental stressors, whereas I am just a hypersensitive and petty individual. My problems are less significant, more projected, and I am still fussy over them. Other people also take notice of it as I make them. So I probably wouldn’t get along with a lot of other people on this site. Just through writing this I’m sure you can see my disregard for social skill. I feel out of place and I probably always will, but it’s nice to hear from someone.
but even in saying you think about spite killing yourself, you admit that you’d be doing something to make others feel a certain way. That way is terrible, but it’s still some form of wanting feeling from others. It seems like you’d prefer to find some label to self otherize yourself, such that others don’t make an effort, but still in subtle ways you seem to be seeking help…. ah the contradictions that are in cluster b.
The title of my favorite book on Borderline Personality Disorder (another cluster B) is “I hate you, don’t leave me” and it typifies this effect; fear of intimacy and being hurt draws one to push away all human contact. Yet, still human, that contact is craved, necessary for healthy life. If anyone knows what a healthy life is anymore, ha!
So I must tell you that you are not beyond understanding in any fundamental way. You have to be willing to be understood, and that’s a vulnerability lots of people struggle with. You think differently than most people, which means you’re in the right place, that’s pretty much the only thing we all have in common down here.
It’s okay, to be selfish, to be screwed up, whatever part of yourself you’ve learned to hate, I want you to know that it’s okay, at least with me. I think that’s something everyone deserves to be told at least once, that it’s okay, all the mistakes and jagged edges, they happen in life….. I’ve lost the thread of where I was going. It’s okay, no matter what, that’s the anchor keeping me from going completely mad.