one day you’ll wake up and nothing will hurt.

I used to be very active here in summer and autumn of 2017, when I was 14, terribly depressed, suicidal and self harmed every day. All I remember of that summer is light, which makes no sense looking back, considering I was awake all night every night and would go to sleep just as the sun would come up. I would write about wanting to die, but not wanting to hurt my friends, my family, about wishing I could just disappear. About feeling completely alone and unloveable.
All of my old posts from that time are still public. Reading back through them now is an experience. I once wrote about wanting to kill myself before my friend does, so that I will not have to experience her death. So terrible to think of experiencing that, when we were both just kids, barely even teenagers. (Funily enough, she did die, and I experienced it! It was not even of suicide, but it was one of the worst things I have gone through. We were sixteen then.)

I’m 20 now. And I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I had to be hospitalised when I was 17, for being suicidal, unsurprisingly. I was doing awful until I was nearly nineteen. Even after I stopped posting here I went through so much shit I would not wish on anyone.
But I’m twenty, an age I did not think I would live up to, and genuinely happy. I’m in university, I have a job I like, I have hobbies that bring me so much joy. I have a group of friends and a partner, who love me and I love them. Getting to where I am now was not easy, I did not think I would do it, and I will forever have the scars both mental and physical.
It feels stupid to say it gets better. There was a time in my life, where I couldn’t bring myself to say it, not even when consolling someone, because I just did not believe it. And I’m fairly sure that whoever might read this will not believe it either, or think that others might get better, but not them. I know I felt weak, and like there was no hope for me.
But god, believe me, it can get better. Especially if you are just as young as I was. It gets better, life can be so beautiful, and there will be a day, when you will wake up and nothing will hurt. (Except maybe your back. Getting old(er) is a ***** in that regard)
I remembered this site today; I doubt that anyone reading this might genuinely believe what I am trying to say, but I just wanted to post something final. So that if anybody ever stumbled upon my existence on this site (which nobody ever will, most likely), there will be something final, and something positive.
It can get better. Life can feel happy and beautiful again. To whoever is reading this, I wish you all the best, and stay strong.