I’m 17 and have an eating disorder. Last year at school I kind of messed up my exams, so guess this year I need to pull myself together so I still have some chance of succeeding. My teachers keep saying how well I’m doing, how much I’ve improved and how much happier I seem. But I don’t understand how they are seeing such a change because I don’t feel as if I’ve made one. Everything they are telling me just seems so wrong compared to how I feel – and I don’t know whether I should keep going along with it.
My eating has gotten messed up again and I’m so desperate to tell someone because I feel so alone – but I don’t have anyone I can just talk to. Any counselors will tell my parents or make me eat more which I’m not ready to do. My school have stopped me from talking to anyone there because they saw me as a ‘bad influence’ . My friends don’t really understand and although they say I can always talk to them I feel like I’m putting them in such an awkward position when I do and they don’t know what to do. I am an only child so have no siblings I can confide in.
I have came near to suicide three times last year and can feel myself slipping back there – I am cutting and have started obsessing over ways to commit it (or maybe I just never stopped having these thoughts). The only person I feel I can really talk to is at school, so that is not possible for me.
I don’t really know why I posted this, I just wanted to talk. I want to talk to people who understand, but I’m not looking for help or advice because I know there’s nothing that can change the way I am.
I guess I just don’t want to be alone any more.
5 comments
Hey there and welcome. I can’t say I have an eating disorder but I understand tge suicide feelings.
If your teachers tell you you’re doing better at school… don’t look a gift horse in the mouth! That’s a good thing, don’t wast your time second guessing that. You should go back and talk to the school councillers, and if it annoys you that they just tell them ‘eat more’, just politely explain to them that doesn’t help, and you just want to talk about it but you’re not ready to criticisms yet. I can understand that friends are a bit useless to talk to because they don’t understand. That’s why you should be talking to a councillor or shrink.
Dont worry, you’re definately not alone.
BTW why do you not eat? Because you want to be thin or you like the feeling it gives you?
I can’t talk to the school counselor because she’s too close to the school – the last one I spoke to ended up telling the school and my parents what I had told her and now the school have a contract that says I’m not allowed to talk to anyone at school about my issues because I’m a ‘bad influence’ on others and if I break this rule or the one that states I have to eat lunch everyday then I can be kicked out.
I guess I don’t eat because it’s the only thing I seem to be able to control, and it’s got to the point that if I do eat I hate myself so much that I have to either throw up or cut or worse so it’s just easier not to. And plus I like the kind of distanced-spacey feeling you get from not eating.
Thanks for reading and commenting, means a lot to know people will spare a minute.
I don’t know what it’s like to have an eating disorder, but I think we all know what it’s like to feel alone and like we have no one to talk to. Which is funny in itself, because here we all are, multitudes of us, thinking we’re alone, but here we are, together in this.
I’m sorry that you feel that nothing can be said to help you because you feel you can’t be changed. People can be changed, even at their very basic molecular level, even your DNA can change. You are changing right now without you knowing it. So, I, for one, believe you can change. It’s hard and I wish I knew how to help you do that, if you wanted to.
I think, or at least I hope, that there is something or someone out there that can help you make strides toward getting what you want and feeling the way that you want.
If you want to feel better, I think it’s a good step that you are looking for someone to talk through this with. If you just need to talk, we’re all here for you.
Thankyou so much for commenting, I’m crying now, silly me. I do want to change, in a way, and sometimes I think that someone/something out there, like you say, will be able to help me do that – I just don’t think I’m quite ready to let go just yet.
I can’t stop obsessing and thinking dark things, you know the things that normal people don’t think, but in some ways I think maybe I need to take time and actually allow myself to think about them in order to eventually allow them to go away.
I don’t know, maybe I’m being crazy.
I just wanted to say thankyou for making me feel less alone.