Nobody ever listens to me, god damn it. My mom guilt trips me about not being moved up here with her already, knowing shit has come up, and she still after years and years of compliance and being honest with everything she wants to know, apparently I am some liar that she can’t trust. But she won’t ever fucking say that, she’ll just say over and over and over how much she values honesty and none of her kids better EVER fucking lie to her. Forgetting all the shit she lied about for years.
My dad will bring up shit I *must* get done, like getting a license or applying for things, yet I need his help with most of it (like I literally need the information) but god fucking forbid he stay at the house for more than 5 minutes and help me with the things he gets so aggravated at me with. He doesn’t even talk to me much anymore. He just leaves me with babysitting duty, not even helping me with any of that. He just gets on his phone and won’t talk to me, so I don’t bother trying. Nobody wants to try with me, I won’t try with anyone else. I’ve exhausted my efforts.
Yesterday was the first time I got cleaned up after close to a month, but that was only because I was able to take a bath, first in so long. Otherwise, I don’t keep myself clean, I stay in the same pajamas for weeks, when I eat anything it’s all unhealthy shit and I’ve replaced water with mountain dew because it’s one of my favorite sodas and who the fuck cares anyway. I rot away on the internet because there’s nothing else to do. Nothing is bringing me joy. But I need the background noise, and just something bright to look at. I sleep more and more but it’s shittier and shittier. Horrible, scary dreams. Yet very comforting ones as well. Not much in between. I don’t want to draw or play games anymore. All I want is to stay in bed. My body is sore and hurts all the time.
They wouldn’t care. They think I’m a complete moron, or a liar, apparently. They ask the same questions over and over again, not satisfied with the same, however honest answers. My mom says “bullshit”. She even grew angry when I said I might have to stay home for a bit longer to help my grandpa (our main caregiver) with my sisters full time for a bit because he has a surgery coming up. She won’t ever talk to my dad to discuss schedules and things out of pettiness, and makes me do it. He doesn’t ever know anything either and leaves it to mom. I’m constantly dragged into the same bullshit I’ve been in for years because they just don’t like each other. Fucking hell. They never consider me in the scenario, never fucking have. I’m just a soundboard for them.
Fuck all of them. For just leaving me in the god damn void. For leaving me to fend off this shit in my head on my own. I’m worth nothing to anyone. I’m fucking done. Listening to everyone complain about the same dumb shit makes me want to bash my head into a wall. I’m so sick of it all. I hate this pathetic life. Fuck it all!!! Fucking LISTEN TO ME GOD DAMN IT
Edit: WHY CANT YOU PEOPLE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP OH MY GOD JUST STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT I CANT FUCKING STAND THIS SHIT ANYMORE STOP FUCKING TALKING
WHY CANT YOU STOP FIGHTING YOURE LITERALLY KILLING ME AND MAKING EVERYTHING WORSE
Dear mom: thanks for driving like a fucking mad man just ’cause you’re pissed off at anything and everything. Like always. With a 9 year old and a 16 year old who’s severely disabled. And me. Thanks. Really fucking appreciate it.