It’s so hard dealing with the constant reminders that my life is not worth living. That I’m alone, and I’m probably always going to be alone, and mostly what I want deep down is to not be alone anymore. Some people are fine on their own – I am not one of them. I just unfortunately lack the capacity for any degree of intimacy with others. I can’t feel connection or acceptance.
And nothing else in this world feels meaningful enough to make up for that. I’m not an artist, or a humanitarian, or an educator. I’m not religious, or an activist. I just don’t care enough, about anything, for it to get me through. To make up for the emptiness inside.
The only purpose to my continued existence is to not destroy the lives of my family by ending it. That’s it. Just to be there, in the background, so they’re not forced to confront the pain of my loss.
So I shouldn’t kill myself, from a consequentialist point of view, to avoid passing the misery onto others. And it’s not like I’m not terrified of death anyway. I don’t actually want to die. I just want not to feel this way anymore, and I’m pretty sure death is the only way to make that happen.
So somehow I should keep living, even though there’s no purpose to my individual life. Keep forcing myself out of bed, forcing myself through work, force myself to deal with the bullshit complications that my landlord is throwing my way…
When all I want to do is stop. Stop feeling this absence, this lack, this longing. Or to go back, to before this became my life. And desperately cling to anyone who wanted to be around me. Fuck, I would give anything to go back to who I was then, however miserable I was.
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I keep wondering if it is the wealth of my family or poverty of experience; I’ve never met an employer who I could work for depressed, not for lack of trying.
unavoidably the job is so terrible I stop eating…. and it’s a short journey from there to either the hospital or quitting, more often quitting. I sincerely am okay with living with the consequences of my actions, as much as people will allow me to.
Which is how I come around to saying nothing is compulsory in survival. Yes, more comfortable, and I sympathize with that. IDK, I’m still at an unequivocal “screw this” that reaches to the very depths of my existence. I don’t successfully force myself to do almost anything, not for long anyway, not really at all anymore.
The other thing that came up was that I feel like who you are seeking companionship from have far too high of standards. Yes, anti social you may be, but even criminals can find companionship. Is it an issue of pride? Those who would consort with you are unappealing? More unappealing than solitude?
again, I don’t know if the wealth of my family or poverty of experience cause my misunderstanding, so I apologize for them both.
Possibly it’s just that I’ve never been depressed enough to stop eating. I may struggle to get out of bed or meet a deadline, and I may skip meals, but no matter how low I feel, sooner or later I will stuff my face (in fact if I’m stressed I’m likely to eat more.)
If the purpose of continuing to survive is to avoid causing severe trauma to my family, then I suppose that necessitates a certain level of basic functioning. If I lose work and I’m unable to pay rent, then that either ends with me becoming homeless, or begging my family to take me back in. Both of which are likely to put them under increased mental strain. Which would kind of defeat the purpose. While also making it significantly harder to make any improvements in my life. So effectively, it does seem necessary.
Yes, partly I suppose it’s snobbery. I could probably find some kind of companionship, but anybody desperate enough to want to be around me is unlikely to be someone I would want to spend time with. Partly it’s about connection – I want to feel seen, understood, accepted. And that doesn’t feel possible. Anyone mentally sharp enough to understand me is likely to be repulsed. And anyone naïve enough to view me positively is unlikely to provide a feeling of connection.
my understanding is that the lack of appetite or excess appetite is very dependent on body chemistry, and having the chemistry to lose appetite is rare. I’ve run out of kindness and idealism, apart from that which I can do while keeping myself moderately upright. Part of this is that I’ve almost always depended on my parents, who could easily afford to perform the repairs necessary to allow me to sell the house, and move to vacant land in a similar value range.
So just cashing out, investments I have owned my entire adult life, I have enough to never be homeless. I was talking to my wife about my disasterous attempts at a career, and it comes down to a lack of trust. I’ve had so many prospective employers lie to my face about their commitment to employees, so I go into these discussions with the assumption the other will cut and run the moment it serves them better.
but I’ve been sick most of my life, so the expectations for me are different. I told my parents recently I was getting some house cleaning done and going swimming once a week, and they were pleased at that which surprised me. I’m doing stuff for me, just trying to get my energy level higher than it takes to force myself to eat…. with inconsistent results.
again on the social front, I see the erosion of my values by the pain I’ve been in. I used to want to be understood and appreciated…. but I found it unrealistic. So I have people who will spend time with me, and to me that is better than to be alone.
which is why your situation puts me in an interesting perspective. What is left of my idealistic soul wants to advocate for you to seek to be understood and appreciated…. but my pragmatic cynicism makes me want to argue in favor of any companionship being better than total solitude
and it’s why I feel compelled to explain so much, my central conviction that what I think is as likely to be wrong as right. Yet, I care and consider my experience worth something if only as a “what not to do”. It’s a lot of what keeps me around, if I can teach someone how not to screw themselves up as I have….. maybe my pain would have a point.
I’ve always depended a lot on my parents too, but they’re retired now and can’t afford to support me as much as they have in the past. I’ve never earned enough to make any kind of investment that would provide me with that kind of security. If I’d been smart with what money I did have I could’ve been in a much better spot by now, but that would’ve required some kind of consistent life-plan, rather than just dragging myself from day to day.
I don’t think you’re necessarily wrong to approach employers with a degree of cynicism. But from my limited experience, they generally want to maintain relationships with those they can trust, because it’s useful to them. This inevitably leads to some degree of exploitation, but I think a complete termination of a working relationship usually only results from some unplanned external pressure – e.g. downsizing due to financial difficulties. But I suppose it depends on the industry you’re in.
I think my family also has reduced expectations of me – especially socially. But it’s at the point now where they do need me to be able to at least support myself financially.
That sounds like a good focus for you though, trying to do what you need to to build up enough energy to keep yourself going. If you can afford to concentrate on that it absolutely makes sense to do so.
I’m not sure that “any companionship” would be better than solitude. I think if I only had the option of being around people who would abuse and mistreat me, I would choose to be alone. If I were in jail, for example, I would probably be one of the few to prefer solitary confinement to gen pop. I already go weeks at a time without speaking to anyone, so with enough distractions I could probably handle it.
But I probably should seek out some level of human contact. I used to do a fair bit of volunteer work, and although it never really filled the need for connection, it at least forced me to interact with others. But I didn’t have work back then, so I had enough energy to push myself through it.
I’m honestly not sure I have it in me to try and make friends. The instinctive terror I have of being negatively perceived makes it very unappealing, and I can’t imagine actually enjoying being around others.
I share the sentiment of wanting to communicate to others “how not to screw themselves up as I have”. Unfortunately I’m not sure I actually have much insight in doing that effectively.