It’s so hard to just function when my mind is consumed by how completely I’ve fucked up my life. Let alone do anything to be productive or improve my situation. I waste half the day wrestling with twisted fantasies, grasping for some kind of real foundation on which to base my life. Most of the rest is given over to sadness and regret. Why do my work, when I’m a worthless, unlovable, unbearably neurotic arsehole? Why do what’s necessary to prolong life, when my life will never be worth living? It’s like trying to drag an impossibly heavy weight behind you.
I want to be someone else. My brain, my personality, everything about me is fucked. It’s beyond repair. There’s no fixing it. All I’m doing is trying to cover up the cracks while I very slowly fall apart.
To not be me anymore… what a dream. To be someone with a future, rather than just wasted potential.
It’s just going to get sadder and sadder, more and more unbearably lonely as the years go by. Ever harder to keep this leaking boat afloat. And somehow death will come, sooner or later, probably when least expected. And then I’ll finally rue all the wasted years, that could’ve been spent on something productive. I’ll look back with bitterness and long for those years back. But the truth is I haven’t had it in me for a long time. I’ve been far too broken to make good use of my time on this planet.
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Everything you just said is pretty much me
Sigh, how fucked up we are…
Although from what I remember, your life was primarily fucked up by others, rather than your own choices? Which I guess means less self-hatred, but possibly more resentment of other people?
well both. i totally resent other people and what’s been done to me, but i also hate that i haven’t been able to get back up the last few years. once my health took a hit, it changed my personality from a go-getter to being “lazy and fatigued” all day. it’s hard not to have self-hatred when theoretically i *could* do more. chronical illness is something that’s hard to explain. like i *could* go to the store to get stuff i need, but then usually i feel like crap the next 24-48 hours sometimes, so then i don’t do it. but then when you don’t move around, your body atrophies. so it’s a lose-lose no matter what i do.
and beyond the physical, my confidence has been whittled down to nothing now, by both shitty people purposely doing so to control/manipulate me, or by my own doing. like my plan was to move overseas, but that takes effort and planning and idk, my brain is just mush now and i’m suffering here in the US, not moving forward and stuck here bc i can’t get my shit together to move, mostly due to all the logistics of getting there and how to live there.
anyhow, there is a lot of resent with OTHER people, the WORLD, AND myself. so like a triple whammy.
when i say what you wrote is me, i meant statements like this:
“It’s so hard to just function when my mind is consumed by how completely I’ve fucked up my life”
-so many should’ve, would’ve, etc. like had i chose to go to a different school, or moved to a different state, or not take that apt at that place, or whatever, my life would’ve been different. there were some choices i made that were not “obvious” fuckups, but they lead to disasterous results in the end.
“All I’m doing is trying to cover up the cracks while I very slowly fall apart.”
-that has been me the last 15 years, with the cracks becoming giant the last 3 specifically.
“To be someone with a future, rather than just wasted potential.”
-I see myself as wasted potential. I know I’m intelligent, and had done well before certain things happened, BUT I am where I am now being a useless log, and it’s in some ways my fault I can’t get out of it now. Especially since my confidence has been knocked out (some on my own but much of it on purpose by assholes who wanted to control/manipulate/use me, and purposely whittled down my confidence.
“It’s just going to get sadder and sadder, more and more unbearably lonely as the years go by. Ever harder to keep this leaking boat afloat.”
-I’m languishing. Not moving forward in life. Every day I feel sick, fatigued, hopeless, and lacking willpower to DO SOMETHING that takes me out of my shit situation.
SO yeah, I feel shitty about myself.
But whatever the reasons or causes as our lives are vastly different, the end result is the same as what you wrote- the feelings and thoughts about ourselves or our lives or our outlook on life is very much the same. Depression is depression. Hopelessness is hopelessness. Feeling like shit is feeling like shit. Many people wind up on SP feeling similar despite having very different lives.
Also, I’ve been told my WHOLE damn life, ever since the age of 5 of whatever, that I’m a useless POS, and all the horrible adjectives you can throw a person/child, so it’s hard to brush it off and NOT let it affect you mentally, even if I haven’t done “bad things” or have “bad thoughts” like you do (or whatever the case may be for you).
Feeling worthless and shitty about oneself is still feeling shitty and worthless. And yes, wasted potential. I’m mad at myself that I *could* be doing something with my life, but I am stuck here. And I made the stupid decision to listen to “family” which then screwed me horribly as that was what got me stuck in the current situation I am in.
there is so much self-blame, idk where to begin. like bc i am fatigued and sick all day every day, nothing gets done, and then i blame myself that i didn’t do this or that. it’s hard to explain but it’s the #1 thing with chronically ill ppl. like technically, i *could* go do this and that but when you’re tired, you don’t. except you’re tired and sick EVERY damn day. idk how to explain the self-hatred and guilt but that’s how every chronically ill person feels.
I think I get some of that. I feel more or less tired all of the time. I think for me I largely put that down to depression, though there could be some underlying health issues going on as well. On the rare occasions when I feel some level of mental clarity, I also have a lot more energy. I think constant inner conflict takes a lot out of me.
i have the shittiest situation, where i DO resent all the assholes that fucked up my life, but i have self-hatred that I am not able to get myself out of this shithole and into a better situation in life. that’s pretty much it.
I can relate to wanting to be someone else, but if I was someone else I probably wouldn’t know it was better. Like to be a “productive person” you’d have to erase so much of my conditioning that I wouldn’t be me anymore, I’d be that other person, the one with the memories that allow “success.”
so it’s just waiting for someone to see value in the mess I am. I’ve had periods of time for a few years at a time I was productive, making a positive difference. Those always end though, it’s temporary, and the time when I’m useless will always be more than the time I was of use.
I had someone reach out and ask to discuss my old gig, field service tech, which I really excelled at because it was so solitary. I still remember my interview them asking “Can you work by yourself?” and I was like, dude, that’s my jam, leave me alone with clear instructions and I’ll be as happy as possible. Those were happy years.
But this new thing, it may or may not be similar. I ran into that trying to go back to working in a psych ward, because I had a few happy years at that, but it wasn’t the same.
so we’re all basically throwing sh*t at a wall and seeing what sticks, and for how long. and here I am wanting to load it into some sort of regulatory chamber, add adhesive, suck some of the moisture out until it’s ideal and that sh*t is NEVER coming down, it’s part of the farking wall.
again, maybe I got too far into the metaphor.
so you like solitary eh? @heartless, search youtube
“He Changes a Lightbulb Twice a Year For 20K – Joe Rogan.”
It’s a short <2min clip.
If you really want solitary 😉
ah yeah, that probably wouldn’t work out. Story I almost never tell, for awhile I wanted to be a lineman, decent hours, small teams and so on. I even tried the solitary version, working local residential calls….. but my legs would start shaking about five foot off the ground, and the ladder they had me on would shake with me, by the time I got to the top I was quivering along with the poll, which had to have a fair amount of play to bend with the wind….
My last gig as an electrician we spent a fair amount of time in lifts, and I almost got used to it… but nah, I’m good on the ground. I don’t mind uncomfortable situations, but being loose at that kind of height really bugs me.
the sad thing though; the right pitch, the right boss, I’d try to make it work. If I really thought the boss was going to have my back for a minimum of 8 years. Sadly I think that’s about as likely as finding a large company without some sort of systemic corruption. Maybe it happens, but I don’t know that I’ll ever see it.
It might just not exist though. I used to have so much faith in people, but systems wreck the whole thing, and most people are too passive to stand up for their own rights, let alone anyone else’s. You need a workforce with a strong internal cohesion, and everything companies have put into organizational psychology in the past 70 years has aimed to avoid allowing such cohesion.
They want us at each other’s throats, never realizing that the owning class is screwing everyone. It’s depressingly effective.
guy makes 20K per single trip up. not a bad gig for someone who isn’t afraid of heights. these guys go up high for their low paying jobs all the time, might as well go really high and get PAID.