apparently not / Three days in

all of the below assumed I had my parents support. Apparently not.

I’ve tried everything I can to make good, to make this work, and I can’t. I’m going after disability, because getting off these meds requires a financial and emotional stability they can’t provide. I can’t taper down, I can’t go to grad school, and I can’t get a job. That’s disabled. Oh well if that makes them ashamed of me, I tried SO HARD to do what they wanted.

they apparently hit “fuck it” today, so I did too. Fuck all the way off if you think that this human will ever function again.

It’s an unrealistic fantasy, like representative democracy or equal rights. Wouldn’t it be nice if it were so, but it aint.

I’ve managed to reach the covetted third day of detox… for those who haven’t been following along I’ve been trying to taper off my mood stabilizer; lithium. It has not been easy. My current method is to slowly up my days off of it until I can do without it entirely. I started with one, then two, and now three. When I reach seven I’m going to discontinue it entirely.

This is already the most comprehensive write up I’ve given it. That is because it is the primary source of my energy shortage. It’s a complicated drug to explain. It can be toxic in high amounts, and that is what set this whole mess off; my doctor ordered a blood test, and I decided if the drug was that dangerous then I really didn’t need it in my system. It also means I sleep more and eat less…. so may less than ideal aspects.

You’d think with those drawbacks it’d be easy to shake, but you’d be wrong. It seriously cuts into my anxiety, to the point I feel like I’m kind of floating. It makes suicidal thought nearly impossible, which is the greatest value it offers. Finally, it makes me feel okay about having low energy, which is probably the reason it’s so hard to break.

but, my biological clock is ticking. My wife turns 31 this year, and it’s now or never to try for kids, and more than anything in the world I want children. That, and my medication load is one of the reasons it is so hard to move somewhere with a better economy.

Right, so costs and benefits understood physically, it still seems promising to try and shake

Of course, whenever I try to make a step towards health there are lifestyle issues. My back fence neighbor started stealing gas, which set off a paranoid fit which resulted in me setting up cameras. Like when you give a moose a muffin, that set off more; physical issues from the athletic feat that it is setting up wired security cameras, as well as a frenzy of work cleaning up the effort, including Friday when I put my knee through the living room ceiling and had to hire a handyman

and I’m having to lean more on other comforts to deal with anxiety. Cleaning is the big one, I haven’t gotten this much cleaning done in years.

anyway, if I have anything more to say I’ll update this, but I wanted to keep abreast of the current status. The current status is pain, in my legs and neck. I’m going to take my three days and start anew Monday, because pushing it could set me back more than I’ve advanced. I’m also a month out from Grad school starting, that is assuming funding can be figured out. If it does though, I’m going to have to shift focus to that, and it may mean a month or more before I get back to tapering off. My hope RN is that I can finish off this drug, and start the next sometime in the fall.