@thebends, i’m copying your comment here so I can reference it if it’s in one of my posts.
—comment from @thebends—
Hey eternal don’t worry I won’t be leaving, the dark thoughts are too much a part of me to ever go away. But since I’ve outrun those dark thoughts (for now) I won’t have much to complain about so I’ll just be posting here less. Regardless of suicide, I think this is one of the best sites on the internet for expressing our feelings without being judged, so I won’t go far.
About our situations, I notice they’re a lot alike so maybe your path out might be the same. We both have a shitload of fury inside, fury based on frustration, desiring something but unable to get it. I think this is different from standard clinical depression which is more like a lack of interest in anything. With you & me, and anyone out there who feels the same way, it’s more like our ‘depression’ is paralysis from outrage, frustration and feeling weak.
Here’s where I think the ONLY way out is to go for throttle up. In other words, there’s no slow, measured, careful path out thru therapy & meds & lifestyle choices. No, people like us gotta light a fukin bomb under our asses and hope it blows us back up to the surface in 1 blast.
You mentioned you had a purpose but you found out it was bs. Can you elaborate? Even if it turned out to be bs, is there some part of it that’s still genuine?
Like you, I got knocked down HARD. Not physically, but about 10 years ago something real bad happened to make me think I’m a weak helpless piece of shit because I couldn’t get back up and fight. And this festered into all sorts of fears, like pretty soon I was afraid to go out in public, afraid to talk on the phone, afraid to read my email half the time.
Therapists kept telling me stuff like ‘baby steps’ and ‘Oh lookie, you managed to drive to your appointment by yourself!’ *golf clap* But that just made me feel more like a loser. I suspect you’re the same, you don’t want pity and ice cream cones for doing trivial things, you want it ALL. You want to be back where you were before all this shit happened.
I think in this case the only thing that works is to take a big risk, pick 1 thing that’s really important to you and keep hammering away until you accomplish that 1 thing. With me it was doing something I hadn’t done in 10 years, something that scared me shitless and gave me panic attacks in the night. But the only way past it (short of suicide which I didn’t have the guts to do either) was to confront it head on.
idk if I got lucky or if it was 10 years of fury that pushed me thru it, but I did it. So I’m riding high and using that juice to keep pushing me. I think this whole thing is about running ahead of that wave before it hits you. But if you’re currently *in* the wave getting bashed around, the only hope is to try something huge. What might that be for you?
15 comments
What you said above is very on point about our similarity in our shared angst, fury, and frustration. Yes, I have immense FURY and FRUSTRATION. It goes beyond mere “frustration.” Most people don’t understand that. And yes, it’s due to desiring something that we can’t seem to be able to get. And it’s due to OUR own “fault” (lack of confidence, lack to trying, etc). And yes, my depression, as is yours, is a paralysis from outrage, frustration and feeling weak about ourselves.
The POTENTIAL is there. The fact that I WAS able to do so much and accomplish so much in the past leads to even MORE frustration that I can’t do diddly squat now. The higher up we were, the deeper the fall, and the harder it is to get out. It’s BC we were so capable and able to do so much, makes our current situation so much more depressing and debilitating, bc we KNOW we are squandering our lives, and we KNOW we are in our current shit life bc we are too chickenshit and weak to get our life back together. That it really is all our fault in the end. If we weren’t depressed and lacking willpower, that if it weren’t for our inaction, we wouldn’t be in the situation or life we have now.
And the more depressed about our life and situation, the more we fester and rot in our depression. It’s a vicious cycle.
That’s it EXACTLY. Falling down is one thing, but when you fall off the top of a mountain that’s what hurts. Meanwhile people are saying ‘just get up’ because they think you just tripped & fell but the fact is your ass just fell from Mt Everest and it’s gonna take a looong while before you can even twitch a toe.
And you’re right, we end up blaming ourselves for not getting up, we end up feeling like extra shit for wasting our potential lying ass up on the pavement while everyone else is going about their merry way. It sucks dude. We end up attacking ourselves in our minds while the world is attacking us from the outside.
All the confidence we once had turns into angst & fury and we lose control of it. That’s what led me to self destruction all those years: alcohol, drugs, SH. I think you’re way ahead of the game for avoiding all that shit. 99 out of 100 people probably go that route when they’re hit this hard (Check out the movie Hancock with Will Smith, he plays a superhero who gets burned out and turns into a depressed alcoholic). Anyway congrats for avoiding that black hole, even prescription meds, you’ve seen how hard heartlessviking & I have struggled with that shizz
idk man the more I think about it I just got lucky as hell the other day…. But at the same time it’s like the angst & fury boiled over into action. Like suppose one day you got so fukin pissed at your loud ass neighbors that you packed a toothbrush & some underwear and got on a plane to a new country like you’ve been wanting to do. And suppose you get off the plane and magically figure out everything, where to stay, how to speak the language, how to find work. Wouldn’t that boost you enough to scramble back to the person you once were? The old you could’ve done it, right.
Course the old you had more $$, more physical strength, more CONFIDENCE to do crazy shit like that. But the new you has a shit ton of angst & fury. I wonder who would win in a fight lol
idk, i don’t feel like i “avoided” anything by not going the drugs/alcohol/SH/prescription route. There’s a LOT of SH I do, but it’s not through those outlets. I punish myself in other ways, some conscious some not. if it’s not one vice, it’s another. it’s like heartless/you were trying to quit- one vice replaces another. it’s the same shit with me, but not via the “standard” fuck up routes.
i never had a taste for alcohol, i didn’t know anyone that sold drugs, i hate the smell of cigs, rx drugs never did shit for me except made me feel worse, so in a sense, i didn’t engage only bc i didn’t find “the good shit.”
“All the confidence we once had turns into angst & fury and we lose control of it.”
EXACTLY That.
“But at the same time it’s like the angst & fury boiled over into action.”
Sadly, that is not the case. My shit life as a child spurred me to action when I was a kid, wanting to prove to the world that I was worth something, but that doesn’t work now. Believe me, I want SO BAD to be spurred into action, but the angst and fury doesn’t work.
Anger and fury no longer spur me into action. It’s the opposite. I now fly in the other direction that doesn’t help me in the long run. In the short run, I am trying to get justice. When I feel wronged or slighted, I now dig my heels in.
The shit neighbor is purposely putting on the vibrations to get me sick and to harass me, so in turn, I have bought speakers and done the same back to them. So now we are both fucking with each other. He won’t quit, so I won’t quit. I am stubborn just like you are. He digs his heels in, I dig my heel in more. I am waiting for the fucker to QUIT being an ass. He wants me to stop mine, but all he has to do is stop HIS. I actually WANT to stop, but he won’t stop. And I am not about to turn my off if he’s going to keep doing his. And lately, I’e been trying to lower mine, and EVERY FUCKING TIME I do, he throws a fit a turn his vibrations up MORE. Like WTF. And that pisses me off, so I turn mine UP. And this shit has continued for the last 3 weeks that I’ve wanted to stop. The first 2 weeks I didn’t. But enough is enough. HE needs to stop his shit. I am NOT going to stop as long as he continues to do this to me. See, just earlier I got up to turn mine down, he responds by jacking his UP. FUCK HIM if he wants to go that vindictive nasty route. He wants it to stop and yet he won’t stop HIS. Fucking douche.
In what fucking world does he think being nasty is going to get me to stop? In the beginning, he was lowering his a bit and so I was about to turn mine down, but he didn’t wait long enough, bc I was simmering mad, but I was just about to lower mine and eventually turn it off, but he
So you see, a normal person might just give in and stop. But I refuse to. Bc he’s being a dick. Literally every single time I’ve tried to lower mine this WHOLE fucking week, he jacks HIS UP. In no way is that going to make me reward him for being an asshole.
And it doesn’t help that my mother is a fucking idiot. She is the one telling him stuff about me. SHE told him my name. SHE told him I am sick and have health issues. Telling someone that gives them ammunition, which he IS fucking using. He thinks bc I am sick that I will stop when he jacks his shit up bc he knows that’s making me sick. But bc I KNOW that is what he is purposely fucking doing, it ENRAGES me, and so I won’t quit until he decides to be nice and stop. He wants to be a dick, I won’t stop. HOW TF does he expect me to stop when he JACKS his shit up and disturbs me all day?
Also, him doing that is DELAYING me from going even MORE. If he just shut his shit off, I’d be able to concentrate and not feel sick enough to LEAVE. But bc he’s doing THIS fucking shit, I can’t leave. He probably thinks doing this is going to get me to leave. He’s been here for 20 years, and I can bet you he’s run off a few other tenants that was in this room. And all this time, mom thinks I’m being a POS and mom is also telling everyone about me so everyone in the family thinks I’m being the POS. Which is part of the reason I don’t talk to anyone in the family anymore. Mom damages my rep with everyone in the extended family. SHe’s going as far as to say that I’m going senile and that I don’t remember doing things (things SHE touched and MOVED but denies it and then tries to blame ME and gaslight ME). Anyhow, I am pissed AF at both the dick and my mom.
He’s a fucking idiot. All he has to do is STOP his shit. But he won’t. He KNOWS that every time he jacks his up, I up mine. Like WTF is wrong with him.
He keeps jacking it up, I keep having to jack mine. I honestly want to stop this shit. HE was the one that first blasted his speakers and purposely did this to me to harass me. I didn’t retaliate until HE did this to ME. So I’m fucking angry at the bastard.
WHEN is he going to learn that him being a dick ISN’T going to get me to turn mine off?
In the past, when ppl would slight me or be mean or nasty to me, or neighbors did shit to me, I didn’t engage and would always walk away bc I wasn’t the type to fight assholes. But now, ALL I do is fight assholes. It pisses me off when they attack me, so I attack back. In the LR, it’s more fruitful to just walk away, but no, I dig my heels in bc that’s the only little bit of justice I get in this shitty life. Granted it’s the whole “cutting off one’s nose to spite one’s face,” but he’s being a dick and I just can’t let that go.
I do recognize that digging my heels in and fighting/getting back at assholes isn’t doing anything for my life in the LR, but it’s not fair. I am fucking pissed he’s continuing to blast his shit, all the while pretending he’s an innocent victim, when it is HIM that STARTED this shit from the beginning, purposely harassing me and disturbing me. THIS is where my FURY leaves me now. I get back at assholes now. But he isn’t fucking stopping so it’s going NOWHERE. He’s in misery and so I am, and neither of us will stop. I literally have tried DOZENS and DOZENS of times this week to lower mine, but he ALWAYS responds with jacking UP his. He has written me 2 letters and make dozens of complaints to my mom, so obviously he wants me to stop. HTF does he not realize that jacking his shit and pissing me off is NOT helping? That it’s only pissing me off MORE?
“But at the same time it’s like the angst & fury boiled over into action.”
Yes the old me would have been spurred into action into getting the hell out of there. The old me was did not get back at others. The old me worked based on logic. The old me had shut off all my emotions.
But the new me, the new EMOTIONAL me, can’t control my emotions. He’s being a fucktard so as long as he’s doing shit to me on purpose, I am going to fight back, bc he’s being an asshole on purpose.
also, i don’t necessarily have the confidence to set up a new life overseas on my own while i’m in my current state of mental fuckedupness and depression and physical illness. And also the fungus issue is a huge problem bc what if I go there and it gets WORSE bc I can’t find what I need to even keep it at bay? You have to go out of your way to find what you need in that country. Everything is in Spanish and it’s not like you can just google where you can get x, y or z. -_-
Yes, I have always been an “all or nothing” type of person. The idiotic “oh congratulate yourself for doing this small task” or for just brushing our teeth today is NOT something to be celebrated. I mean, it’s shit that we SHOULD be fucking doing, not getting a pat on the back for doing something a fucking 4yo can do.
So yeah, that’s why “therapy” doesn’t fucking work. Bc, at least in America, this type of thinking is pervasive in American culture and I obviously don’t think this way. So being told to “pat myself on the back” for stupid little shit is useless and doesn’t do anything for me.
So what if I managed to do ONE little fucking thing today? Did it do anything for me in the long run? Did it get me out of my rut? No. Am I still in this fucked up depression and inaction and shit life? Yes. So nothing has fucking changed. Still in the same fucking situation.
So I managed to brush my teeth or get dressed today or even went to go get food. I did that own my own since I was 5. It’s nothing to “congratulate” myself on.
Therapy is FULL of BS like that. So “therapy” is never going to fucking work with me.
“You mentioned you had a purpose but you found out it was bs. Can you elaborate? Even if it turned out to be bs, is there some part of it that’s still genuine?”
My old purpose was just to climb out of poverty and be successful, to fly in the face of everyone that’s put me down since I was 5 that I was a useless female (my culture has NO value on girls). I worked SO hard to climb out of poverty and to PROVE to the world “Hey assholes, I’m successful, more successful than you, so fuck off”
That was my attitude back then. I put every ounce of my being into being “successful,” which at that time entailed doing amazing academically, going to a good Uni, graduating with a good job at a prestigious place, and moving up the career ladder.
It’s useless now bc now I see everything is so corrupt. The good, hardworking ppl only get used and shitted on. The ass lickers, liars, and manipulators are the ones that get to the top. I am not a vicious cut-throat type of person so that doesn’t suit me. Also, the work isn’t meaningful at most of those places, they just extract as much work from you as possible while paying you as little as possible, and they spit you out when they’re done. I have no desire to play the corporate game and make loads of money for them.
In fact, I fucking DETEST the whole corporate lie. It’s all menial shit work for shit pay. And there’s very few places where the work is ACTUALLY meaningful. Trust me, I’ve tried. I’ve tried a bunch of volunteer places where you do “good” things, for the environment, for pets, for ppl, etc. And it turns out these charity organizations are also full of shit. I tried a bunch of them, so it’s not like ONE place. It’s fucking ALL of them. So yeah, that’s where I’m at. Jaded and cynical about everything bc real life is full of shit and lies, and masking their crock of shit so ppl believe in the good comforting lies.
I hate it. I hate it all. I can’t put my energy into success anymore bc I don’t believe in anything anything. Back then, I was so determined and worked so hard bc I had this Pollyanna world view- that if I worked hard, I would be rewarded, that career and jobs were a good thing to go after, that you could do something meaningful and change things. Well shit, one peon can’t change all the corruption that exists in every corporation, every organization, even charity fucking organizations that either scam ppl of their money or they enact stupid programs that don’t do anything to actually help the needy/pets/environment/etc.
So knowing everything is corrupt and that I, alone, can’t fight it, nor do I wish to be David, that drive to be “successful” has gone.
In order to fight for something, you have to BELIEVE in something. And I no longer do. THAT is the problem. I wish I didn’t have all the knowledge I do. If I was ignorant and dumb, I would chase after all the good lies thrown at society. I am not a sheeple. Sheeple are dumb and happy. I wish I was a sheeple. Happily munching on grass, not having to think, and believing all this nice hogwash they tell us to believe.
There is a reason why they say “ignorance is bliss.” When you look at all the historical people with depression, notable ppl like Lincoln, Freud, Kafka, Poe, Dickens, Hemingway, Buddha, MLK, etc. These were all very intelligent aware ppl. It’s like the more aware you are, and the more red pilled you are, the more depressed you are, bc you know reality. And reality is depressing AF.
What is your purpose? If you don’t want to write on here, can I message you via email? I really want to stop this depression bc enough is enough, 15 years is a LOT of fucking wasted time, and you are similar enough to me. Flew high, was successful, and been “burned” like me. Obviously not the exact same, but it’s as close as I’m going to get to someone who shares some similar traits/thoughts that keep us depressed and stuck. And I can’t get it from others who don’t get me at all. There’s very few ppl who actually get me.
Our traits that made us successful are the same traits that keep us fucked up and in down in depression (dogged stubbornness is one).