I never really felt lonely as a child, though I spent much of the time on my own. The awareness that a few rooms away was someone who loved and accepted me unconditionally was enough.
Now I spend nearly all of my time alone, and I feel an all-consuming void in my life where other people would normally be, that grows larger every year. I see family who care about me once a week at most, and the pervasive awareness that they wouldn’t be able to accept who I really am now leads me to feel distanced and separated from even them.
I have no friends. I have no level of intimacy or connection with anyone. I haven’t been hugged by anyone outside of immediate family in years.
A few days ago I had to have a tooth extracted at the dentists. A part of me actually enjoyed the experience, because I haven’t had that much physical contact with another human being in so long. That’s possibly one of the saddest things I can imagine. And that’s who I am now. And I’m typing that here because I have no one to tell.
29 comments
Sorry to hear…but you’re not the only one in such a situation…there are many others. It’s just a matter of networking and finding them.
You could always hire a call girl…won’t solve it but at least you get some action.
You can make new friends through clubs, hobbies, etc. Nobody has to know anything about your life.
I know you feel obligated to tell people everything…most of us have skeletons in our closets, some bigger than others.
Just take it easy on yourself. I learned that I am my own worst critic…I’ve hated myself more than others….because this wasn’t the life I wanted.
Once I learned to accept myself for who I am, my life got better.
If you’ve done bad things in the past, leave it there….just don’t repeat them.
I’ve been without a gf for ages….partly it was that I wasn’t meeting the right type of girl and partly it’s my own shyness at times…not approaching when I should, etc.
Also I’m out of shape and going to the gym…so it’ll give me confidence once I’m fit again.
You have this one life….it’ll be over faster than you realize. So get the pieces in your life that you want in place…now is the time. Once you’re old, nobody will want you.
Everyone deserves some happiness in their life but it won’t fall into your lap, you have to make it happen.
Forgot to finish my thought…so ya you’ve done bad things, but nobody has to know. Don’t use that as an excuse not to meet people…unless you feel you could harm them and its beyond your control…that’s a different story…only you know the answer.
But if you feel you’re safe around people then you have no reason not to meet them.
I feel pretty old already tbh. And I’m pretty sure no one I’d want would want me in return.
As I think I’ve mentioned previously, any harm to others would be the emotional damage if they discovered my past (which might be beyond my control). I could imagine that being pretty devastating for anyone unfortunate enough to care about me. I don’t know if that means ethically I should avoid all significant involvements with others.
Well if emotional damage is the worst of it, I’d say it’s not too bad…but that’s only if you disclose this information.
Yes you might’ve mentioned it before but I might’ve forgotten….I barely remember stuff I need to take care of in my regular day. lol
To me you’ve been fairly consistent and you sound like a decent, safe person who’s simply lacking some much needed social interaction.
As for a gf, don’t forget there are women out there who marry murderers in prison, even midgets and wolf-boys.
The point being, if anybody wants somebody, there’s a good chance they can find someone. It’s just a question of what you’re willing to put up with.
I truly believe you’re selling yourself very short. You sound intelligent, aware, emotionally attuned…I don’t see any reason why you can’t have a normal life with an s/o.
The only one limiting yourself is you. Maybe you have high standards for a gf like I do. I know I could “practice” on girls that aren’t really the type I want…but then I don’t want to just use others…and hurt their feelings when the right one comes along.
But it’s not like I got girls beating down my down to get with me, so I think I probably should just get someone for now…at least to beat the loneliness and have someone to hang with that’s not a platonic relationship.
You’ll probably keep staying in your bubble, but I think you should live a little…then 20 yrs from now you could look back and say that your life wasn’t a total waste of time and you had some fun along the way.
I’m hoping to maybe have a handful of partners and then maybe find my ms right…I hope to expand my circle of friends too.
I guess in a way I’m looking forward to hitting ‘old age’ at least 60, then I know the shitshow I’ve been through is pretty much over. I don’t look forward to ending my life…but it’s an inevitability for all of us.
One thing’s for sure, I’m never going to allow myself to degenerate and die of cancer or something. I’m planning for a fast, safe, painless demise.
*beating down my door…
I tend to presume those who seek out and marry murderers in prison are generally pretty mentally disturbed. I don’t know if it ever results in any kind of healthy relationship for either party. But I think you’re right that there are potential options for most people, even in dire circumstances.
Part of the problem is that any intelligence or emotional awareness I possess is greatly diminished by social anxiety. On the rare occasions when I’m able to relax, I can come across as somewhat interesting and likable. The rest of the time, my mind just goes blank, and I’m a conversational void. I miss social cues, because my mind is so busy trying to keep my anxiety under control and not freak out. It’s only long after the fact that I realise someone’s been flirting with me or showing interest.
I think I probably do have unrealistic expectations when it comes to a partner, but then again having any expectation of one at all seems somewhat unrealistic. There are so many red flags with me that I can’t imagine anyone with other options choosing to be with me.
Which would seem to only leave other desperate people, who I probably wouldn’t find in any way attractive, or necessarily share common interests with. People significantly (15-20 years) older than me, or with major physical or mental impairments. I don’t think I’m that picky in terms of looks or personality. I’d probably be open to dating 90% of women my age. But there are so many things about me that make me undesirable, I think the only ones who might be interested are outside that group.
And I guess I don’t want to pretend I like someone, just to avoid being alone. So you’re right that it’s self-limiting. If I felt like I could form a deeper, less-superficial connection with someone, I might try that. But there’d still be this huge part of me that I’d have to hide from the other person. So it’s not like I’d even be getting real love or acceptance. It would just be me pretending to like them, and them liking whatever act I put on. It seems shitty and I don’t see the point.
“As I think I’ve mentioned previously, any harm to others would be the emotional damage if they discovered my past (which might be beyond my control).”
-oh hm, maybe i misread you saying you were a bad/evil person. at least you’re aware of what you’re capable. isolation is brutal but if it means doing a better good for the society, then i’m all for it.
i do see what you mean though, about wanting a good person, but a person who would want a real you isn’t going to be a great person or catch. just like i want someone good but who’s going to want someone who is physically sick? not quality ppl. and if my selection is bad or shitty people, then i’d rather stick to being alone, which is what i’ve been doing. it’s a terrible choice.
@Husk,
I think your social anxiety magnifies (in your mind) the faults you possess. Esp. when we’re already socially isolated, then you only have that one voice to listen to your own and some of us are already very self-critical.
So this creates a negative feedback loop making you feel even more anxious and afraid of social interaction making you socially paralyzed in a way.
I think I went through something similar in high school. Having friends wasn’t the problem, I wanted to date certain girls and my own insecurities prevented me from doing so (eventually I did but it took effort).
But I find the cure to social anxiety is to simply interact with others. You’ll realize you’re not as big of a freak as you think you are in your mind. That’ll lead to positive feedback and the more you interact, the better you’ll feel and the better your skills at dealing with others will become.
I recall one time I was walking by a school acquaintance (I was probably in grade 8), on the street…I was feeling like a big loser at the time, she just caught me off guard…she loudly called out my name-since I was distracted…then we chit-chatted a bit.
It was a friendly short chat about nothing really…but it just made me feel normal again. Actually at the time I didn’t much like the friends I had had…so I was feeling somewhat isolated also. It was like a fog had lifted from that very simple little exchange.
Like riding a bike, you can’t do it by thinking about it over and over in your mind. Only by actually practicing you’ll get better…same goes for communication. You just have to get out there…act normal and people will respond in kind.
Ya with the example of girls marrying men in prison, it was just to illustrate the point that it’s possible to find someone despite the strange situation you find yourself in.
Now whether you’d like that person or if they’re mentally stable is another question and I agree with you there…someone willing to marry a criminal probably isn’t right in the head.
Ya I think we’re similar in your last point…I can’t pretend to like someone if I actually don’t. But you’ll be surprised how many people date/marry just to avoid being lonely.
One of my friends began dating a girl for that reason…she’s not that attractive and there are things I don’t like about her personality, but he just puts up with it. At the same time he also checks out pretty girls hard and hits on them when she’s not around.
I’d say that’s probably the ‘norm’ out there for many people, they date just to have someone there, but they keep trying to get someone better.
It’s a trade-off, either be with someone you really like or be alone, which is the option I took…not fun, but then I can’t be with someone I don’t really like…though I don’t mind finding an fwb if the chance comes along.
Social anxiety is complicated for some people. For me it’s more like a personality disorder – it doesn’t seem to get better with exposure. Not to say I don’t need to interact with others or build social skills, just that it’s pretty draining, and the anxiety doesn’t go away. I worked retail for years, spent all day interacting with colleagues and customers, and was anxious every day of it. It’s exhausting.
Ya I did retail too and also worked as a cashier in my late teens…it did help for me to talk to nice strangers/shoppers that were there…but there’s also a bit of stress because you are working.
But I see your point…as a mental illness it might remain despite having the interaction that you feel you need. You’re in a tough bind. I still say it’d be healthy to get out and mingle, but you have to do what you feel is right in your comfort zone.
man, that sucks….. one time the anonymity and distance is a problem, I’d give you a hug if I could….. my friends and family like to hug…. to be honest most of the time I just go with it. but it’s a known thing, people crave touch, it’s physiological, you’re probably in actual pain due to it.
one reason I get by pretty well, might work for you; dogs are super friendly. I have three of my own, but there are dog parks right? No one would give you grief for going to a dog park and petting the dogs that come up to you. Could you adopt a dog? Or a cat?
I’m spittballing here, but you don’t have to stay isolated. One thing I know of is Dungeons and Dragons groups, adventures legue games are open to everyone, you could meet people there to join a regular game. Game shops are amazing, some have board game nights, I did a lot of that in my younger years before I had a steady stock of friends.
You could also take various classes, my local library has a lot. Sometimes it’s a book club, sometimes it’s crafts….. whatever is fun.
There is one population though that is chronically lonely, and that’s old people. Most care homes are fine with younger people showing up to play games or talk to the old people there. Most of their families don’t visit enough, and they’ve got stories to tell. Most of them are wicked good at chess and card games, could teach you some tricks!
I hope something here gives you an out, a way to connect, because it sounds like you really need it. As down as you are on yourself, there’s someone out there who would be damn lucky to get to spend the day with you. Heck, I would be, but like I said, anonimity (anominity?? Amittyville? grits and gravy?) and probably distance put a kabosh on that.
Thanks man, I appreciate that.
Those are some good suggestions. Dogs parks aren’t really a thing round here (it’s pretty rural, so people walk their dogs all over the place.) I think I might get a few funny looks if I go around petting other people’s dogs – tbh I tend to get funny looks when I’m out walking alone as it is. I’m a big hairy dude, so people tend to assume I’m threatening. I could possibly adopt a dog or cat (might have to clear it with landlord.) But I don’t really have the money for the extra food or vet’s bills right now.
Stuff like Dungeons & Dragons sounds fun, if slightly intimidating with people I don’t know. Think I might have to travel a fair way to find something like that round here. Classes are a good thought, though I rarely have the mental energy to keep up with anything like that. I used to think about joining a group for people with social anxiety in the nearest city, but when I got round to it it seemed liked it’d closed down. I feel like anything that gives me an excuse for being quiet/weird/socially awkward would be much less intimidating. I made a few contacts in an anxiety-support class I went to a long time ago. Not real lasting friends, but it was something.
I don’t think I’m selfless enough to visit care homes. I find them pretty depressing, and I’m not good at making conversation or brightening the mood.
But I guess my isolation is really self-imposed. I don’t feel like I have it in me right now to make the necessary effort to overcome my severe social anxiety, force myself to seek out new people, and manage to interact with them in a way that doesn’t leave me hating myself even more.
After a certain age there is no such thing as ‘friends’ anymore, if indeed there ever was. It really is the same old story – when things go wrong ‘friends’ disappear.In my opinion ‘acquaintances’ would be a more accurate term than ‘friends’. You’re absolutely correct to see family once a week, prioritize family over everything else. You’re the best writer on this site as I have said to you before, a girlfriend might make things slightly better for you in terms of isolation but then again it might not, maybe try that.
I dunno, it seems like most people have at least a couple of close mates who they manage to keep in contact with over the years. In addition to more casual friends that they socialise with on a weekly basis. Though you’re right that family will generally be the ones to stick with you and have your back when the chips are down.
Thanks, I think you’re a good writer too. I often find my interest piqued by the things you post.
If I could maintain a relationship then that would probably make a big difference, but it doesn’t really seem realistic right now. I think I’d need to build my basic social skills back up a lot before even thinking about trying to find someone.
Does your family/parents know about whatever it is you did? If they did, what do they not know that would lead them to not accept you if they knew?
No, nobody knows, with the exception of a couple of therapists who I haven’t spoken to in years. I’m not going to go into specifics, but it’s the kind of thing that shocks and completely reframes how you see someone. To them I’m mainly an innocent, harmless, if somewhat incompetent/annoying/lazy/neurotic son and brother.
Whereas in reality there’s this side of me that’s extremely exploitative and dehumanising to others, that’s led me to do some of the most shameful shit imaginable. I don’t know if they’d feel forced to cut contact if they found out, but they would be deeply hurt by it. I think it would probably be easier for them to deal with me dying than with discovering the truth about me.
They’re decent (though flawed) people. And I’m very much not.
sigh, what i would give to have family/parents that actually were good and cared for me and helped me out.
i’m in the opposite situation- i haven’t done heinous things that would warrant being treated like shit. my family is selfish and uncaring, and they’ve never helped me out in any way that wasn’t selfish and self-serving for them. i’ve never had that “unconditional love” that you mentioned- people don’t realize how much that affects someone to have or not have that. it changes how one views the world and how one makes decisions in life.
you’re so lucky to have that “love” and “care” from your family- having that truly changes someone. Like you said in your post, you know that “unconditional” love will no longer be there if they knew the truth, hence you can never be fully honest or close to them anymore.
anyhow, in your case, the only thing you can do is to NOT do whatever bad stuff or similar bad stuff going forward.
i have met people who are exploitative of ppl and have ZERO qualms about inflicting damage unto others if it benefits them. at least you have some guilt i suppose.
on the plus side, your family’s love and acceptance is what’s keeping you from going full out evil. that’s at least something. if your shackles are unleashed, and you no longer have to fight the internal struggle of not doing bad things, god knows what you’ll do.
like i said, i’ve met ppl who didn’t give a rat’s ass about exploiting, using, dehumanizing or seriously harming others. i don’t think other ppl on SP realize the depth of what your saying- to them doing something bad mean lying or cheating on someone. no, i’ve met truly evil ppl. when someone says they’ve done something they can’t come back from, i believe them.
anyhow, i’m glad that you at least have guilt and shame, bc that’s the only thing keeping you from being full on evil.
do you have any guilt about actually being a bad person? or are you only depressed bc you know you can’t tell anyone what you’ve done and it affects your ability to connect with others? there’s a difference with actual remorse/guilt of acknowledging who you really are vs the impact of having to keep your true self hidden and that leading to lack of connection.
Hmmm, maybe we can figure out some kind of existential trade: my caring supportive family for your (somewhat) clean conscience.
Living a life focused solely on not doing something doesn’t really work, mentally speaking. You need a reason to force yourself out of bed in the morning, push yourself through work, etc. You need something to tell yourself to get you through all the pain. And not doing a thing doesn’t really cut it.
I don’t think it’s as simple as my family being all that’s stopping me from doing worse things. I do have a conscience. It’s just in certain circumstances I tune it out a bit. I do care – just sometimes not enough. Unless someone’s an actual psychopath/sociopath, it’s rarely just a binary of pure evil/morally pure.
It’s hard to explain, but I would say that it troubles me that there’s this side of me. I think I’m probably mainly depressed because it impacts my ability to connect with others. But also because it’s kind of destroyed my sense of self. When you can no longer pretend you’re a good person…it kind of undermines everything you do in life.
It’s complicated because it’s hard to tangibly link the things I’ve done to harms to others. So I don’t have the clear guilt of “because I did this, that happened to that person.”
I know not doing anything isn’t doing anything but damaging me. But I DO have major chronic issues that prevent me from being a productive human being. I have physical difficulties from a car accident (i was a pedestrian) as well as fatigue, a low immune system and a host of other issues.
When I say a host of health issues I mean it. It’s very difficult to live life as me. I can barely go get groceries without feeling like collapsing on the way back. Simple basic life things I can’t keep up with that even as a 7yo I could do. Now it’s all a struggle. And there’s the shame/guilt/anger/depression that comes with that.
That’s where my depression stems from. I hate myself for NOT being productive and not doing anything in life.
I’ve had SO many ppl tell me just to accept that that’s my life and many of those ppl are happy to “do nothing but watch netflix all day.” I am NOT one of those people. I was happiest when I went and achieved things conquered things, DID things.
But after so many years of being sick and unable to do things, now my confidence is shattered. Along with still having health issues, except my health has deteriorated a LOT the last 3 years since the pandemic.
You have no idea the amount of internal struggle I have. For you, it’s dealing with the fact that you’re not a great person. For me, it’s me fighting with myself with trying to DO stuff and not feeling like a POS. Every day I struggle with just doing the basic things that keep life going, and at the end, I’m left fatigued, leaving no room to do anything else.
It’s like putting out all these little fires, bc you have to, but bc you’re spending so much effort into putting out the fires that you aren’t doing anything to improve your life.
Anyhow, where I am now is a SHIT situation. I am literally getting bit everywhere, my fungus is growing out of control, the place I’m not is not healthy, I’m getting sicker, but I don’t have the health or money to get out of it.
If I want to leave, I’d have to leave the country for a 3rd world country. Now, if you’re healthy, it’s not that hard. But when you’re already very sick, it’s hard as heck to do. Especially me not having any help or knowing the language. Short of leaving the country, idk what else I can do or where else I can go.
It was stupid of me to come here- I didn’t realize how shitty this place is. Tons of bugs, bad air, ac unit not working, humid inside, humid outside, which is damaging my health. Everything was leaking and broken and constantly needed fixing. I spent every day fighting all these fires (and still am) that I don’t have the energy to focus on getting healthier and getting out of here.
It’s hard to explain but when you’re sick, you need a healthy environment to get better. In a bad environment, like this shit place I am now, I spend all day dealing with shit that I can’t get out of it and am getting sicker by the day. I know the longer I stay here the sicker I’m getting. My fungus has spread all over and now I’m worried about going overseas bc I need to have certain things to keep it at bay and I may not be able to find those things there (it’s not a country where you can just order things online or get delivery or anything convenient like that). And when you’re already sick…well I’m doing a shit job of explaining but I was never like this when I was healthy.
It’s not like I was a lazy POS- I was the exact opposite. I was super productive, did everything I could to better my life. I skipped grades in school, I worked 4 PT jobs in college, hell, I started working in sweatshops when I was 7. Did everything I could to escape a life of poverty.
But life isn’t the same once you get sick and can’t even take care of yourself anymore. It’s a physical struggle but also a mental struggle bc I beat myself up for not being able to do simple things that I could do even at 7yo.
And the whole world views you as a lazy POS bc they can’t see how sick you are. Everyone with a chronic illness gets labeled as “lazy.”
Anyhow, I know I need a reason to get out the bed in the morning. I NEED a fucking purpose in life. Doing nothing is killing me. Other ppl are ok with it but I am not. And not being able to get out of my rut with all my health and money issues is a fucking catch 22- i need to get healthier to get better but I need to get better to get healthier. That shit isn’t going to happen when I’m sick and continuing to get sicker. And this shithole I’m in is making me sicker.
interesting you say i have a (somewhat) clean conscience. what makes you say (somewhat)? no, i’m not professing i’m so good and so innocent (i am not anymore but i used to be before evil people broke me). but it’s interesting you say somewhat when I haven’t committed anything bad or wrong.
I get what you’re saying about struggling with that side of yourself. the bad side. i used to be super nice and good and really all I ever did was help ppl. i was naturally a good person, and didn’t have it in me to be evil/mean/nasty.
However, there is only so much a person can take in getting screwed, used, or abused b4 one snaps or changes. after 30+ years of getting screwed by ppl, over and over again, with me not having done anything bad, i got pissed and turned bitter. and slowly, i became not such a great person anymore. where i no longer view humans the same way or even like the human species.
so yes now i guess i have a bad side. i don’t outwardly do bad things to people, but it’s me knowing i’m no longer “pollyanna” and no longer trust humans and no longer views humans in a good light, and no, i used to volunteer and donate money and food and did all sorts of things for people (that’s how i was before) but that’s not me anymore. i was that person that would visit a care home just bc, or help out someone for no benefit other than someone is in need. but no more. my empathy isn’t gone, but i’ve been kicked too many times by people that i’ve got nothing left i want to give anymore.
this is not the same as your bad side i presume but i am no longer that nice person that i used to be. acknowledging that we have that side is shitty. that part i get you. i know i am not a great person anymore, and that is hard to deal with. it’s a struggle bc me being nice and trusting is what lead me to get taken advantaged of, used, abused, manipulated, etc. so i can’t be nice anymore.
anyhow, this is a long-winded way of saying i get what you’re saying about struggling to accept who you really are on the inside. i don’t like the me that i am now but what does one do? you can do superficial things on the outside that ppl will say “oh look how nice so-and-so is” but it wouldn’t be real. you know who you really are even if the world doesn’t.
oh trust me, i know psychopathy and sociopathy are on a spectrum and good/evil in NOT a binary thing. bad/evil/good are gradients. shades. not black and white.
i’ve met a few sociopaths. they do not have their morality completely turned off, but it’s shall we say, very dampened. they may still have a conscience, but it’s very slight. and they usually stop themselves from doing things not bc they want to or feel morally wrong to not do it, but they don’t do things bc they know or people or society will not accept them if they did x, y or z.
Hey, I appreciate you’ve got a lot of issues of your own, and you really need to talk about them with someone. I’m open to going back and forth with you, but it seems kind of like you’re not actually taking in most of what I’m trying to say, just using it as a springboard to launch into your own stuff. While that’s totally understandable, I don’t have it in me to absorb it all. I’m also depressed, exhausted, and struggling to get through the day.
Please try and contain it to one comment at a time, and take time to reflect on how you want to respond. I’m generally probably not trying to make digs at you or say anything about you – this is primarily a post about me, my issues, and that’s what I’m thinking through here.
oh i was trying to get to your stuff and your issues, i was using my life as examples to talk about things. i know i take a roundabout approach to it and won’t delve any more in your post. that’s fine. i didn’t mean to hijack your post or anything.
“It’s complicated because it’s hard to tangibly link the things I’ve done to harms to others. So I don’t have the clear guilt of “because I did this, that happened to that person.””
Right. It’s simply knowing that you aren’t a good person or the fact that know you do have that side to you. Even if no one knows, you know who you really are.
And you might have a terrible side to you, but you don’t sound fully evil either. Truly evil ppl have NO remorse, no guilt, no qualms whatsoever what they do to ppl. Just don’t cross over to the other side. O_o
I’m not religious at all, but in your case, have you talked to a priest/clergyman? Kind of like a confessional, where you anonymously confess whatever it is you did, and ask for advice on how to live with the fact that who you aren’t isn’t a very good person (but minus the believe in Jesus and everything will be fine bit).
I find it actually “respectable” (that may not be the right word per se) that you 1- acknowledge that you’re not a good person and 2- struggle with it internally. the world would be a much better place if more people struggled with it.
It’s cool, it’s just a bit much to keep track of.
In terms of guilt, it’s complicated because it’s kind of like “because I did these bad things, other people may have been more likely to do other bad things, which may have resulted in more people being harmed.”
So I’m complicit in others being harmed, while also being unable to know whether I actually had any real impact at all. So it’s difficult to feel real guilt. I know I’ve done things that are socially unforgivable and I feel the shame of that, and I’m troubled that I have that side to me, but I don’t have the same kind of guilt that I would if I saw that someone had been directly hurt by my actions.
But yes, I wouldn’t say I’m fully evil. I have this evil part of me, which is sometimes more prominent. I think I have it more or less contained in terms of the impacts it has on others.
I’m not really religious either. The only people I’ve told are a couple of therapists, but I can’t say they were really much help on how to live with who I am and what I’ve done. They may have helped me a bit to keep that part of me contained, but in terms of the shame, depression, despair of it…there wasn’t really much they could say.