Hi, I have decided to follow through on a decision I have been thinking about on and off for years. Ove reached a point now where there is no point, use, enjoyment, anything for me on this life. The only thing that stops me is when I think about my mum or my sister. My mum is an extremely emotional and unstable person and i fear that in ending my own life, she may end hers. Also my sister because she is getting married next July and we are closed our of the four of us sisters and I know she really loves me. However none of this enough for me, yet it is still someone stopping me, does this mean I’m not really ready? But I feel ready. I have my reasons but I have spoken about them too so many professionals also already and I do not care to share them anymore, just trust that I have my reasons and it is my choice.
The issue is aswell, I am too scared to do anything like, jumping, downing, hanging etc as the fear response would kick in and I can’t bring myself it’s like my body won’t let me. I have a large (ish) about of propranolol, I have done a LOT of research on propronalol overdoses and know that anything >1000mg is considered fatal and could result in cardiac arrest the death as long as I don’t tell anyone, which is also what I’m worried about, I’m worried the fear response/thinking about my mum will scare me then I will tell someone and have to go to hospital and get saved. I don’t want to be saved. Is this method even worth it? Is it doable? I’ve read a lot of cases were numerous people have died from this so it must be right.
Sorry this is long. Please do not encourage me to stay here longer I have untimely had enough and cannt bear doing this any longer and this has been a long time coming, and now I have pills and time on my hands tonight I want to make sure I do it right.
Any advice on how I feel about hurting my mum and sister and on the method is really appreciated.
Thank you.
5 comments
Very relatable post. What I also fear the most is the effect on family, will there be more suicides in the wake of mine.
really for me the fear is them seeing my body. Somehow I think it’d be okay if they never found it. I’ve thought of some elaborate HH Holmes style solutions to it, or a Rube Goldberg machine…. but outside of that, it’s really hard to get rid of your own body. Sure, there are bodies of water, but they still find those bodies sometimes. You’d need an ocean… and that adds unnescessary expense.
anyway you caught me in a fatalistic mood. Good on you if you manage it, living is a pit of suffering to be escaped.
If you can manage your method somewhere rural enough, I think you’d probably be fine. OH, there’s a body disposal idea, bears… do you live near enough to someplace with bears? Really any large predator would do the trick. Africa might work, but I’d worry about an elephant finding me, elephants have it bad enough without finding dead people. That, and for me Africa would be as unrealistically expensive as ocean disposal.
but yeah, if they never find you, well you could have scampered off to another country or something, right? People do. That might do it as well, not a connecting country, but if you went somewhere sufficiently sparsely populated, like South America. It’s not so much never having your body discovered by anyone, so much as it not being discovered by anyone who could be bothered to have you identified.
heartlessviking: So, let your friends and family wonder forever what happened to you, instead of knowing and being able to move on?
Is that really what you want? Honestly, it seems like something to do if you actually don’t like your family.
In my experience with grief, people do better when they don’t know. I think everybody rationalizes after the fact of finding the body, same as how most eulogies tend to idolize the dead person.
I also think there is some natural resentment anyone would feel towards people keeping them somewhere against their will. It’s entirely possible to love people, but not particularly like the way they behave.
It’s trying to find a way to meet them on their terms. They’d rather I never die and my health come back. I’d rather go tonight, or more accurately I’d rather have gone the first time I thought to make an attempt ten years ago. Middle ground; when I go, I try to minimize their pain, and meanwhile I get a way out.
Finally, I think I have to admit that any justification for not snuffing it is rationalizing itself. I used “maybe it’ll get better” for years, and it doesn’t work for me anymore. It doesn’t even work “I don’t want to hurt others” anymore. The only thing that I still have that works is “I want to go on my terms.” I’ve been trying to write this ending for a decade.
It’s going to be a mess, people are going to not like the ending, that comes with the territory. I have to write the best ending I can, and cowboy that I am at heart, I like the riding off into the sunset ambiguity, is this my last story? Who’s to say? Me of course, but no one else.
Generally, overdoses aren’t fatal for suicide attempts, as most medicines used are ‘low’ risk. Plus, vomiting often occurs, leading to recovery, or death by choking or drowning. As an unrelated aside, there are medications that stop you from being able to vomit…
I can’t explicitly advise on methods to kill oneself, as British law prohibits it (with occasional actual punishments for dumb online ‘crimes’), and the site doesn’t allow it. I can only comment on what other people have done, or general discussions of medications and drugs, and their effects. I might also idly must about how someone might execute a prisoner.
Usually, drug deaths are accidental, with opiate medications/drugs, like fentanyl and heroin, by people who don’t regularly take opiate medications for pain management. Especially when taken by non-oral routes, like injections and patches. It can be very variable, though, as these people may have drugs they can’t measure the contents of, and they may quickly become unconscious when injecting a substance.
It’s possible a larger number of these drug overdoses are intentional than reported, but family or the police may wish the spare the image of someone, and a heroin needle hanging from a vein, or an extra fentanyl patch, can so much more easily be called ‘accidental’ without suspicion. The drug user may also be ambivalent, and not explicitly be trying to kill himself, but just rolling the dice and seeing if he wakes up afterwards.
Really, propranolol seems an unusual choice, especially when it is considered relatively ‘safe’, so much so that under 16s are routinely prescribed it for anxiety symptoms. Maybe that’s why you’re looking into this particular drug, it’s availability for minors… If so, I would hate it if you jumped to performing any irreversible actions without considering your options first.
With regards to your family: It’s impossible to really know what will happen. You have to balance your own wants and needs with what you believe will be the outcome and response of your family, and how it will affect them going on.
Everyone dies eventually, but the way people die definitely does affect people differently, be it accidental, natural causes, or intentional. Personal and community ideology and belief have wildly different views on suicide/euthanasia.
People find the most satisfaction in life in service of others, like a parent raising a child, a teacher teaching, policing, volunteering, researching new technologies, but even spending constructive time with friends and siblings could be a source of satisfaction. You can and should also work to pursue personal gain, as we need that to grow and prosper, but somehow serving another can be fulfilling. I’m not saying it is fulfilling to everyone, just that it can be.
You say not to encourage you to live longer. You also say your mother and sister are stopping you, so maybe you’re encouraging yourself…
This could definitely mean you’re not really ready, and it is a powerful ancillary disincentive for suicide, following the survival instinct. Personal preservation is strong, as it has to be, biologically, for any individual and species to survive and thrive. It’s difficult to overcome, by necessity. We also have strong instincts to protect family, especially our offspring, for similar reasons.
For anyone wondering how one might execute a condemned prisoner painlessly and reliably, helium (or ********) might be a good thing to consider, as it’s cheap and safe, and a gentle way to end the life of a condemned person… I’m sure the internet has things around regarding killing a person with helium. Just a legal execution killing, that is, as it is very lethal and can’t be undone…
Anyway, I know this is a long, and kinda messy, response. I’m just thinking on the fly, and didn’t really intend to come to this site. I’m not telling you what to do, by any means. I would just encourage you to carefully weigh all your options, and not rush into any decisions. In the end, your life is your own to decide what to do with. The freedom to choose is special, and something to be cherished, but also is something to be taken seriously, and used responsibly.
Be well, whatever you decide.