This was a different perspective on the whole thing than I’d heard. I hadn’t heard people say it was entirely avoidable, or refer to it as dangerous.
This is as a former social scientist, who has had specialty training on dealing with active suicidal ideation. As in, yeah, a motivated person can get out of the active stage. I’ve done it, I’ll do it again, it’s part of my life.
but….. just I’m not sure I agree that passive desire to die can be removed. Not reliably, not in a way we can replicate. Which is something maybe non scientists don’t understand why it’s such a hang up. It’s a hang up because the ability to replicate results is the only way to assure that we are dealing with a real phenomena. If you can’t replicate something, to me, it doesn’t exist, it’s a free floating hypothesis and you either need to get more proof, or move on.
and that’s where I am. staring down the bore at my own lack of desire to live, my passive suicidal ideation. I’m in F-ing therapy, every session we talk about where I am with SI. I’ve been at this for years. I’ve been on all but one drug that can be prescribed for what’s wrong with me. See, and that’s where I get tetchy; “What’s wrong with me”
I don’t think it’s what is wrong with me. I think, if it was, it would have been corrected, because I’m damn motivated. I’d be able to at least visualize a life where I don’t feel this way, visualize it in a way other than a fantasy like if someone waved a magic wand and my dispair evaporated.
and this is why I’m not a social scientist anymore, because when we claim to be able to give life meaning, that has to mean it can be replicated. That has to have some real data behind it, not just a fantasy where suddenly mental health funding is better, working conditions are better, the economy isn’t a punishing hellscape where dreams go to die. It ain’t happening folks, and I know I’m preaching to the choir.
IDK, I just needed to process this in some way. I’m struggling to get back into my customary escapism…… I screwed up dinner, I’m feeling shitty about it.