I wish I didn’t stay up so late. No one to talk to. Everything starts suffocating me. I’ve been so low for months, years, unable to seem to take care of myself hygienically for so long. Especially my teeth. My teeth are starting to crumble and crack. I know I must have multiple cavities. My 2 front teeth are coming out in bits in pieces. It’s pretty embarrassing. I just feel like a failure. An embarrassment. I guess I’m going to the dentist soon. More money wasted on me for appointments. As if eyes weren’t enough. Yay. I never really enjoyed the dentist. Scared, even. Oh well. My own fault, my own problem, yet again. If I wasn’t such a moron and just brushed my damn teeth it wouldn’t have become a problem.

Yesterday my stepdad and I went grocery shopping and decided to get stuff for my mom. We went all out, with a little gift bag and a bunch of snacks and little things we thought she’d like. I was super excited to show her the stuff when she got home from work. When she got home, she looked at it and yelled at us both for getting it and “spending money” (we’re financially good right now with how much she works, plus I used my own money for almost all of it) and she didn’t look at it for quite a while, actually seeming to avoid doing so. She did eventually look through it later and said she liked all of it and appreciated it. The initial reaction hurt a lot though. I guess that’s pretty stupid to think about. She apologized. I should get over it. I just wanted to make her happy and I can’t even seem to do that. I feel like no matter what I do I can’t do anything right.

At this point I just try to keep my partner out of my mind. I know how shitty it is to say that, but it hurts a lot to think about. I texted them 3 days ago for some idiotic reason. As if they’d respond, hahaha. Thinking about it makes me feel pretty empty. But they’re the reason I feel so fulfilled while we’re in contact, y’know? I wish I wasn’t so easily forgettable. Replaceable. I feel like I’m everyone’s last, desperate option. I feel like no one would care if I just faded away from their lives. I miss them with every part of me.

Trying to eat less and actually work out more because I hate my body so much. It sags. I look 5 months pregnant at all times. It’s disgusting. Mom threw out the weight scale a long time ago, so I can’t even get a good range of where I’m at right now, which drives me crazy. I’m trying to work out more, so I don’t feel as guilty when I eat but I’m not doing a good job. I want to be back in the double digits as I was just months ago. I can’t wear anything that isn’t baggy without noticing it. I just hate it.

I’m rambling about nothing, per usual. I don’t have anything else to do. I can’t sleep. I feel like the biggest idiot right now. I’m pretty tired of it all. Part of me wants to learn to like myself, but then I remember there’s not much to like. I’m pretty annoying and hyper when I’m not a failure of a person and a pile of rot.