(context: i am incredibly mentally ill and my brain swarms with thoughts that arent mine and are actively cognicidal to perceive and its pretty dope tbh)
So, it’s kind of just horrific! idk! There’s only so many ways I can describe it. My brain: isn’t mine! The thoughts: only get worse! What, will comparing my situation to Harlan Ellison make it any better? Will it really? Probably not! And just… Idk.
I don’t have a single reason to be alive; I actively do not want to! It is a putrefying thought to be alive, it’s anathemic to every single piece of myself that it can be, it’s genuinely wretched to even imagine it, even if the thoughts went away! And they won’t. Can’t. Can’t, poisoned wormwood roots like mycorizal connections in the peat bog soil unable to be extirpated no matter what I do. And again; as I’ve mentioned, my personhood is just GONE. Dust in the wind! It’s all a big fucking farce because my brain can’t operate without it but I know I think and feel basically nothing besides this awful disgusting pain from my thoughts every second.
So uh, fuck! What’s the big hold up, huh? Well I mean. Death is scary and more importantly: My brain thinks very fucking rigidly and I just don’t know how not to be alive. And doing things I don’t already know how to is terrifying to me. I don’t know.
I do think I’ll figure it out soon. I really don’t want to see my next birthday! I really don’t. Ope.
I don’t think this is the place to actively wish to die and hope to find the nerve to kill yourself but I literally cant move and barely eat and I’m in hell and I cannot wander and I cannot wonder and etc etc! Is that… okay? I hate the phrase ‘I can leave’ because it feels like if I say it it’d be like… pity-baiting? But I don’t mind leaving if this isn’t the place.