I can’t be what I want to be. I can’t live the life I want to live. So I want nothing. I want not to want anymore. I want there to be someone worthwhile in the space I’m occupying, putting it to good use. But that’s not something I can control.
I don’t want to devastate my family. I don’t want that pain for them. So I don’t want to kill myself. I just want to not exist anymore. Or to never have been. Or really, to have been someone different. But that’s not something I can control.
In order to not die, I have to live. And living requires effort, direction, motivation. And I have none. All I have is the desire to not feel this anymore. To not be this anymore.
I don’t want any of the possible futures that are open to me. They’re all too contaminated and broken by what I am now. I just want these feelings to stop. This overwhelming sadness, regret, longing, nostalgia.
I have to live, at least until my parents die. In order to live, I need motivation. Drive. Energy. I need a different brain.
Something fundamental has to change. I’m scared of trying psychedelics, but it’s the only thing I’ve heard that can rewire the brain without a long-term effort. And I don’t have it in me to commit to anything long-term. I need a factory reset. I need the motivation centres in my brain to be re-wired. Because I don’t want to do anything, even if it’ll help me get better. I don’t consistently want to get better. I don’t want to live. I don’t want anything that’s possible from this reality.
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yes to all this. i was just thinking that i there is no point to any of this. i am easily replaced at work. i used to volunteer. took a break and guess what? replaced. all those lil suicide prevention saying like somebody wants you or there is no nobody like you on earth blah blah. i am only alive because i have not figured out how to not make my demise a burden on my family. welll ok i have but my depression make me getting all that stuff org kinda impossible. anyways. i was just thinking how pointless everyday life stuff is and your is the first post i see when i log on. sighhhhhhhhhhh. life. why?
For me I know suicide would especially devastate my mother. She’s way too invested in my wellbeing, and has tried so hard to help me. Also my father and sister. I can’t think of any way my suicide would not be crushing for them. Then there are little ripples out to my more distant family, who I haven’t seen in years. But I have no friends who would miss me, and my work is all freelance and online, so it would just be a minor inconvenience for them.
I don’t think I can bring myself to end it, which means I have to go on. But I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this, miserable and without motivation, struggling to get out of bed. Which I guess means I should try something to fundamentally change myself, even if it seems scary.
Although our pasts are different, there’s much I can relate to in what you say and I feel similar about.
I hung out with a friend earlier today and as I was driving home, I was feeling bittersweet about life…not in a good way, but in a way that maybe the things I used to like don’t interest me anymore.
We all suffer in silence because nobody can really relate to us. If we were gone tomorrow, few would notice or care, except those who knew us in some way. I really am ready for life to be over…but like you I couldn’t do that to my family either.
In the meantime I keep going, trying to better my life, but that isn’t easy either. Frankly at the moment I don’t see an easy way out of my situation or a huge improvement, unless I get in shape and find a girl I like, who works and together we can buy a house or something (as I rent).
As for finding a better paying job than what I have it won’t be easy…unless I luck out. I was working on a longshot project and so far that isn’t going well either…but I have no choice but to keep plugging away and hopefully change will happen in a few years.
In your case, I’d say to be careful, maybe the drugs will give you a new perspective or maybe they could make your life worse and from everything I’ve heard the latter is more likely to happen.
Maybe try taking a vacation/cruise or something…that could change your mindset. Perhaps going back to school/uni might help also.
I guess all any of us can do is keep plugging away and hoping that change will happen.
What’ve you heard about psychedelics that makes you think they’d make my life worse? From what I can tell they’re the least addictive and least likely to cause health problems of any drug. I’m mainly scared of having a bad trip, which sound like they can be pretty hellish, especially as I don’t think I’d be able to have anyone there to guide me through it. But even if it was terrible there don’t seem to be many long-term negative effects from that kind of experience. I’m already depressed and anxious, so I can’t imagine it making that much worse. And I’ve heard many public figures that I respect talk positively about the experience of taking psychedelics over the years. That they have the potential to actually re-wire the brain and open it to new ways of being. So maybe I should face the risk of a temporary bad experience for the sake of potential lasting change.
I can’t really afford to take a vacation – and even if I did, I tend to carry my isolation with me wherever I go. It’s nice to see new sights and stuff, but in my head it’s the same. I definitely can’t afford to go back to university, especially without a clear career plan.
Agreed. My friends are way ahead of me financially and nearing retirement, while I’m at the level of a uni student in terms of career…skills I can’t really cash in on.
Had they dated a lot of girls, then I’d probably feel far worse about my situation in comparison to them…but they’re either married or on LTR’s with a girl they met-who aren’t anything special tbh (not to be superficial). Actually I probably have more dating experience than them combined.
But I let a lot of golden opportunities slip through my fingers which bothers me the most since you’ll never meet someone like that again and I missed my chance to ‘bag’ them.
Thankfully the one good thing my parents gave me was intelligence, so I’ve got a lot of ‘irons in the fire’ and even if a few projects/ideas fail, I have others with the potential for high payoff.
I still have a lot of work left to do till I’m ready to approach companies to get funding. Life also gets in the way…this is why the rich keep getting richer, they have time and means to cook up new ideas and make money from them.
As for the drugs, I have no experience with them and only know of the little I’ve heard from friends who’ve tried. Yes psychedelics might help you…I’m only concerned if you get hooked but if they’re not addictive as you said, then it should be ok. And if you feel it’ll reset your psyche, feel free to try.
I read a fair bit and know that they’ve made some advances in mental health treatment and they’ve found drugs for depression and other issues that seem to work well.
I know what you mean, going on vacay will feel nice for a bit but more of a distraction. Still when I’ve gotten away from work and gone on a short trip (haven’t had a real vacation), I’ve never wanted to leave the place and go back to the drudgery of my job.
Likewise I can’t afford to take a vac either…in my situation I need to hold onto my savings until I got a good surplus, only then will I consider it.
I guess we’re both close to our mothers…she means a lot to me, despite being the very flawed person that she is. My siblings and I took everything for granted until I got older and wiser and realized how hard she worked to give us a decent life.
So ya I won’t even consider taking suicide seriously (unless I’m in a situation with no other choice), until she passes away. The rest of my family members will suffer from my loss, but they have their own families so they’ll be ok in time…I’m not as worried for them.
I do plan to get an ‘exit kit’ together…I should stop talking about it and actually do it…because there will come a day where if my plans all fail (which is likely), then I’ll use my savings for a last bit of fun before I depart this world (ofc after my mother has also passed on).
I think if I was making decent money like my friends, it wouldn’t be enough. I absolutely hate being someone’s slave…I want my freedom, but you can’t have it unless you have wealth. So we’re back to plugging away until we find a way out.
Yeah, I’ve been meaning to get an “exit kit” together too, for a long time. I keep putting it off. Maybe part of me is scared that if it’s there, I might just use it impulsively. But I’d like to have the peace of mind of knowing that if things get drastically worse, I have a quick and relatively pain-free way out.
Ya ditto…but I think you’ll know when it’s the right time to ‘give up’ on life.
I’d rather have it there knowing I have an easy way out. Plus I’m not the kind of person to leave a mess behind for others to fix. I’d get rid of all my furniture, wrap up my affairs, etc.
So that my loved ones will have very little to deal with after…since losing me will be hard enough for them.
the book “what to do if you get hit by a bus” or something like that. ( bright orange cover) is great. it has sooo much stuff in there. stuff i never even thought about!
but is there even a switch there for psychadelics to switch? Because you’re looking for an increased arousal response, but if there is nothing to arouse it doesn’t work. Stopping here for a moment to mention that cognitively, an arousal activation is an incitement of motivation. Yes, physical arousal is a type, but it isn’t the only one.
and that’s my thing; what you can do is drop a whole ton of dopamine in your brain, be it drugs or encouraging thoughts, what have you. But if you don’t have a place to spend it, something to do with it, the whole thing crashes right back. Because you will burn through your dopamine, and now your dopamine response is crippled because you got excited and it didn’t lead to anything.
on which topic, sometimes depression is the rational response, and trying to cheer up is actively harmful.
I’m in the same boat, vis a vi waiting for my parents to die. The little glimmer of difference is that when my parents die, I get their money, and with that I can make some key changes. Maybe there’s hope there, maybe not.
being manic is miserable, is my pain bought lesson I want to pass on. After the mania fades, and the shame comes from how silly you acted (where silly is an obvious euphamism for clinical insanity), it’s worse than it was just being hopeless. Also, the meds they give you for it…. new levels of depression and lack of motivation is what they give you.
Hmmm… I suppose I wasn’t really thinking about it in terms of arousal or dopamine. When I’ve heard people talk about it it’s mostly been in terms of perspective, a feeling of oneness with the universe, acceptance. So I suppose what I’d hope for is to feel like I’ve come to terms with some of the things about my life and myself that feel unacceptable/intolerable. Thereby freeing the rest of my mind to engage with life more fully. I think there is a switch there, or at least there was. I used to be able to feel joy, before it was muted by all this other stuff.
I don’t think psychedelics work like “uppers” – the idea is they facilitate more of a lasting change, rather than a temporary manipulation of dopamine – allowing your brain to re-wire itself and form new connections.
I think depression can be an understandable/natural response, but I’m not sure how often it’s helpful/useful. In my case, it’s certainly not. It’s just an unnecessary weight holding me back from doing what’s required to survive.
That does indeed sound painful to cope with. Is that manic depression? I don’t think that’s a likely side effect of psychedelics. People might act pretty crazy during a trip, but as far as I’m aware it almost always wears off.
well, A; psychosis is a potential side effect of hallucinogenic drugs. It’s one of those things you don’t know until you’ve done it, one of the reasons I haven’t. Psychosis is what the far end of mania can bring, mine was due to a drug withdrawl and finally pushing myself too far at the same time. I lost my job and immediately went back to work, I had this whole delusion that I could hold it together with pure willpower.
but during that process I learned what that frayed edge looked like, I memorized it, and any time I’ve gotten near that edge I shut down.
I guess I’m cynical about the rewiring of the brain, I’ve been doing a more mild version of that through metacognitive work, and there’s only so much you can make BS like I’m facing shine. I think it probably really is hopeless, and the thing that gets me is that it’s hopeless for me as a privileged individual. I come from a highly successful family, hundreds of thousands spent on my education before college…. and maybe that doesn’t mean anything.
maybe I’m really exceptional for being able to screw that up
but maybe, and this is just the impression I get talking to healthy people, maybe the time when it is above average okay to be a human is over. It just might actually be hopeless, and if it is there’s no looking at it differently, there’s just making the best of what’s left.
I think, and I’m a total washout of the academic and professional field of mental health so that’s part of my disclaimer, that maybe depression is just the first step in coming to terms with an awful situation. I think running away, trying to find ways to feel better can be counter productive.
which is a screwed up thing, that feeling this awful isn’t a design flaw it’s a feature. But it’s stubborn as hell, and eventually when you’ve been fighting something for a long time you have to wonder if maybe it had a point all along. If you keep reframing and looking at things from different perspectives, the perspective of hopelessness can become a valid option.
I’d love to be wrong, and I often am. These are the things I think about, when trying to work up the willpower to fight depression
I just read a bit on it, does indeed seem to be a small risk factor for people with a disposition/family history of mania, schizophrenia etc. Don’t think that’s really me, as I’m more anxious depressive than manic, and as far as I’m aware no one in my family has ever had symptoms of that kind of illness. But absolutely makes sense if you’re bipolar to treat with caution.
I’m cynical about cognitive approaches, because the brain that’s attempting to reframe things is the same brain that holds the core negative perspectives. I think that’s the point of the drugs – they may shift things on such a fundamental level that the “you” that has those fundamental preconceptions is temporarily absent, allowing new perspectives to form. Perceiving something as “hopeless” or not is ultimately based on your priors. If you temporarily step outside what it means to be a human with an ego and wants, desires, expectations etc., maybe it doesn’t seem so hopeless anymore.