So lets start from the beginning back to the pandemic. Honestly I consider the pandemic the best time of my life! Despite it being terrible for everyone else, it was truly the best. I had lots of friends I spoke to everyday, school was incredibly easy, and my parents were proud of me. Fast forward to the July 2021 and I realize I am fucking trans. It was the worst! I knew I was bisexual for most of my life (despite me constantly hating myself for it AMAB btw), but now I was trans? Fuck. So I came out the month later and mom didn’t know that was a real thing and was in genuine shock. It was fucking horrible and I felt like once I texted her that was it for my good and happy life. Which is true. I was happier as a dude who didn’t know/realize they were trans. Now its too late, I know this shit in and I WILL ALWAYS KNOW THIS SHIT OUT. It fucking sucks. So essentially family becomes extremely disappointed in me. I lost some friends and got bullied in HS for it. Junior year was the worst , full of the worst students and worst teachers. Fucking hate em all. So I wound up getting lucky, and transferring to a really really really LGBT friendly school. Great! Though the damage was too late. I still didn’t care much about school and on top of that I was severely mentally ill. Did some dumb shit I regret around October which ruined me even more. Nearly jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge the week after. Fuck man.
So I converted to Islam as a way of coping. Yup. as a fucking trans woman mind you!!! I was really mentally ill at this point and wanted anything nice sounding to soothe my woes so I figured ok, maybe Islam. Obviously that didn’t much good for me and that opened an old wound called OCD(Scrupulosity). So eventually I left the faith for obvious reasons if ya know a thing or two about Qur’an or Hadith in regards to Queer people. So things more or less just get worse. I start kinda using my friends as therapists because I just loose my mind just fucking around without any help. So I eventually I graduate, BH! It was great moment for me! I have been through discrimination, bullying, and mistreatment from an awful school but in the end I actually graduated and was heading off the college! I thought things were getting better. I started having confidence and thinking I passed (spoiler I really fucking didn’t and humiliated myself lol). But yk my religious OCD was still really fucking bad and had a shit and depressing Summer. So here we are in the present. I start college. First day of college the class erupted into laughter when I tried to speak. And this was a common thing first two weeks at uni. Anytime I spoke I was laughed at. Lots of kids there really really didn’t like how a trans person was there and it fucking sucked. It felt like high school all over again. I felt unloved, unwanted and fucking useless. Then I am told by my dad that I am a failure. Did I mention my parents weren’t that proud of my for finishing HS? I forgot to mention that lol my parents didn’t care as much because I was trans and my diploma had my chosen name on it. That fucking sucked too. But back to UNI. So I am now somehow a failure, get mocked constantly at UNI, have classes I fucking hate, I realise I fucking despise COMPSCI and now I am so fucking lost. Everyday gets worse and worse and worse. So then I am like ok should I de transition and become a Lubavitcher? If I just conformed to all of society and was really faithful to G-d I would be sooooo much happier. So I enter in a civil war period in my brain where I heavily debated with myself about de transitioning and no matter what I couldn’t reach a good conclusion. I fucking hated being trans but I also hated being a dude so much more. I hate being mocked, I miss my easy life, I miss my happiness, I miss the days where I was loved, supported and thought of as something positive by family. I miss conforming! Seriously it was the best! I also fucking hate being a dude, I hate people thinking I am a dude, I hate that because I was conventionally attractive women really liked me, I hate people treating me like a man, I hate being labeled as man, I hate man clothes, hate my man body, hate my man life. I just don’t fucking win and I get to a breaking point where I nearly commit suicide because it would be easier to die than to either live an inauthentic life or a hated life, one of mockery, alienation and depression. Both lives suck but I chose just to be trans. So here we are to today! So I realise today that I got an exam. Which really pisses me off! I didn’t know anything I already cried that morning and was seriously depressed and suicidal about my life. So I thought to myself “why not just drop the class”. That class being precalc so on impulse I dropped the class. This fucked my over BIG TIME!!!! Yk what happnend? I realize I lost my financial aid and didn’t realize how bad this was. So I sat in the tub for 3 hours trying to figure out what to do and more or less I have no idea still now. I think genuinely there is a good chance that I am gonna kill myself. And or drop out of uni. I hate my life. Hopefully things will get better, G-d willing.
7 comments
I’m sorry that that happened to you. I can’t say I know the exact hardships of your situation. I am not apart of the LGBT+ community myself. However, from hearing your story, I think you shouldn’t feel ashamed or conflicted about your choices. You were unhappy as a man and so you did something to remedy that. You shouldn’t be punished or looked down on for doing trying to do things that made you happy. Fuck the pricks who bullied you or laughed. They’re pricks. What they think shouldn’t matter. University is rough. There’s a lot of rules that don’t make a lot of sense when it comes to money. Maybe if you find something else that interests you besides comp sci, then you can try to switch majors and explain that to the fin aid office. Just a thought. I really hope things work out for you.
I’m sorry that people have treated you so poorly, and that you find yourself in these circumstances. Human being can be cruel, especially when they don’t understand something, are uneducated, or have assimilated certain belief systems.
Losing financial aid is a big blow, and I can understand how devastating that must feel.
Kurt Cobain once said, “It is better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for who you’re not.” I think those are really wise words. Fuck the people who make fun, they aren’t important to you, and it’s likely you aren’t important to them. I encourage you to be yourself and to cherish it, despite how others might react. Easier said than done, but on the other hand, we only get one life.
There’s a channel on YouTube called “The Line”. They talk mostly about atheistic points, but once or twice a week they talk about transgender issues and the science behind the transgender condition. These episodes are hosted by transgender people, usually a transwoman named Arden Hart. I can’t help but feel like listening to a couple of those episodes would help you to feel less alone.
There are ways to navigate school without financial aid, but it will require hard work and determination. While difficult, if you wish to continue school, that’s your best path.
Best of luck to you, much respect, much empathy
that majorly sucks, all the more because most trans people struggle more with depression and suicide. I never know how comfortable to be with my own sexuality, which includes elements from a few directions….. but it’s all still deeply closeted with most people. Because I have what looks like an ordinary relationship…. and I realize the privilege of that. She knows, of course…. my first wife F-ing made it into an issue about HER. *sigh*
I honestly admire anyone able to sincerely seek religion, regardless of what that is (so long as it doesn’t include hurting others.) Islam has some interesting philosophy, amazing history. As in, most stars were named by Islamic scholars, how cool is that?
on the college thing, sometimes it takes a few tries. I flunked out/ aka dropped out a few semesters straight. It took me until age 27 to get my act together and succeed at school, but I did. I was supposed to be a double major psychology and computer science….. pandemic and one really terrible professor made me end it with a minor in computer science. Seriously this one guy was the only one who taught this essential course, and he would just spring assignments on us, he didn’t even follow his own syllabus.
But I graduated with my bachelors. For whatever that’s worth. I wouldn’t throw away my life chasing that though. It’s a piece of paper that hangs on my wall. Life is worth more than that, sounds like you have people who love you and want you around. That’s what’s important, I think.
Sorry that you’re suffering like this… I can somewhat relate. I also have OCD and struggle with religious/moral scrupulosity. The “civil war inside my head” part really resonated with me. I’m a pan femboy (in denial), so I get the inner conflict and self-loathing thing. I truly hope things will get better for you soon and that you’ll find peace. I have a throwaway Discord account if you ever want to talk. We seem to have a lot in common.
I don’t want to always be the “fight the system” pedalller with his picket board here, but these feelings of self hate are part of the system’s function.
Fulfilled and content people don’t keep therapists in business, they don’t push the profit margins of breweries and drug cartels. A loss of direction makes one more susceptible to becoming an obedient rule follower who consults the authority before they do something.
Sexual disillusionment is just another means to keep people out of self acceptance. Sexism, racism, homophobia and such… Playing on all everyone’s identities and simple born attributes so that we hate and fight eachother over these ultimately subjective attributes. Erstwhile in the distraction of us from how the schools teach us to be money slaves and university hands out student debt. Keep us in debt, fighting for an income that actually permits existence, while they sully the planet, play war games ploughing millions of lives for arms deals and profits.
The insecurity and miss direction you feel is precisely what is needed to draw a person’s energy into fights that should have been resolved centuries back. Don’t get me wrong these problems you face have been made very real, your feelings of self hate and frustration come from very real trauma and are valid emotions. Take it from me, you are enough as a person, you needn’t prove yourself worthy of passing or failing to anyone, least of all those who chose of their own – and in full knowing the state of life on earth – to bring you to this terrible world when you were’t around to dispute it. You need only prove to yourself that you are worthy, and from the fights you face I’d say you did that long ago.
The world wants you to hate yourself, defy it, humans need no approval from a profit driven planet killer.
I think identity is a social construct. We try to fit what we feel ourselves to be into categories that other people can understand, in order to be accepted. But what we are changes throughout our lives, often dramatically.
It doesn’t sound like you’ve found greater social acceptance by identifying as a trans woman, or as a trad/religious man. Maybe focus less on how you identify and package yourself for the outside world’s approval, and more on just experiencing life without labels. I think that’s probably the only way to enjoy living – just by being, moment to moment.
Of course, certain behaviours bring greater social stigma, and it’s always a choice how much you want to curb your instincts for the sake of social approval. But whatever balance you choose, that doesn’t have to be who you are, and it doesn’t have to be a betrayal of who you are either. Because who you are changes, constantly.
I’m really sorry. You’re trans, you’re one of my people, I hate seeing us fucking deal with this. Society is fucking cruel and I’m sorry. I don’t know what platitudes would be helpful, but I have suggestions on material things? Namely; are there any trans people near you? In your city? In your state/province/region? We’re good at helping each-other and a shoulder to cry on in person might help. Are there mutual aid/support groups near you? Queer or otherwise? I can’t promise it’ll be okay but my heart goes out to you.